Texas Pregamer: Cal

Take a bow Horns! Wait, no. Don't. That's a 15 yard penalty in these parts. Maybe a twerk or three instead? It’s not the NFL, so what can go wrong?

On a scale of 1 to cheap shotting Colt McCoy after the whistle, the bow seems like a 2, maybe 2.5. Poona just trying to be polite about it.

But the celebratory mood? Well that’s due to a little thing we like to call a 2-0 start against a Top 10 team and The Best Running Back in the Country™. Aggie Media conspiracy be damned, the Longhorns maintained their #11 ranking in the country. (And can we take a moment to notice, #11 is Swoopes (18) minus Buechele (7). Can you imagine if Buechele hadn’t switched from 16? #2 Team in the country, baby! You know BeevSPN--Lover of the Longhorns, Shippers for Colt Both McCoys, channel of Charlie-fluffers--would salivate over that).

After two games, we’re beginning to see why the snip doc had such a hard time getting to Shane Buechele. This guy is unflappable in the pocket and knows how to find the end zone.

The main thing is, the Longhorns need to enjoy this trip. This is the only game left on the schedule where they can take advantage of the time between plays to discuss the finer points of Game Theory instead of the upcoming Big 12 mouthbreathers confusing your overture as an invitation to discuss Pickup Artist techniques.

Also Horns, enjoy the scenery. For the eleven of you over 21, enjoy a nice local Grenache. Enjoy the weather, the ocean, the women. After all, this is your only game not in the states of Texas, Oklahoma, or Kansas until the Fiesta Bowl.

• Texas QB Shane Buechele was quick to credit his accuracy gainz to his offseason training with the snipers of Seal Team Six. His compatriots have since dubbed him #SealTeam7.
• In an unfortunate turn of events, Texas Cockroach University has lost the CFB Belt to the dread pirate SEC. Thankfully Arkansas plays Texas State this week, an opponent that will surely reclaim the CFB belt for the state of Texas. #erotic
• Mack Brown would really like you to come visit this golf course he’s been working on the last few years. It’s super great - you can even go if you slice, as long as you hook em!
• Van Gundy, ever a proponent of the long con, filled his karma pouch by sacrificing a non-conference game in spectacular fashion. (Though the refs admittedly blew the call...You just HATE to see the refs influence an Oklahoma State outcome. Smirk.gif1, Smirk.gif2)
• Iowa State loses by 39 to their in-state rivals, but they did manage to score 3 points. Fans in attendance agreed 3 points is great because it’d be pretty embarrassing to get shut out in a football game in the state of Iowa…
• News outlets are reporting that Colt McCoy, record-setting UT QB, wrote a letter to the football team prior to the ND game. The Longhorn Network would like to remind you that Colt McCoy, one time roommate of Jordan Shipley, wrote a letter to the team before the Notre Dame game. In other news, Colt McCoy wrote a letter to the team before the Notre Dame game. He is also Jordan Shipley’s ex-roomate. Letter writing.
• The Rice Owls have gotten off to a shitty start to the college football season.
• Tyrone Swoopes’ (aunt? cousin?) Sheryl Swoopes was inducted into the basketball Hall of Fame on Friday. She originally came to Texas, but left due to homesickness...for Lubbock...She went on to win a National championship with Texas Tech.

This week we go up against Texas Tech QB Davis Webb... Which is weird because we play Texas Tech QB Baker Mayfield in a few weeks at the state fair... Which is even weirder because we actually play Texas Tech QB Patrick Mahomes even later in the season. Hmmm. Let’s take a quick look at this:

Wait - so you’re telling us Texas Tech had not one or two but THREE D-1 power conference QBs on their roster? Their walk-on is starting at OU and their backup is the top Pro Style QB prospect for the NFL Draft??

Sorry, post-traumatic 2013 quarterback terrors are flaring up again. At least this strain of QB related nonsense remains quarantined to-

Just, wow. Apparently, OU, A&M, and Tech are running a QB swingers club out of the state of Texas and decided not to invite us. Well too bad, Crimson Cartel, we have been working on some QB transference of our own:

Better Know a Roster

• Davis Webb (QB, Sr.) - I can’t be the first to notice that his name sounds like a Confederate General who narrowly escaped the Battle of Antietam?
• Marloshawn Franklin(ch) Jr. (CB, Jr.) - Oh is that how it is? Should we suit up Vance Jung or Briloan Lorakpo or Jambrawl Chartles?
• Evan Rambo (S, So.) - Is this one where Michael B. Jordan plays John Rambo’s estranged son from his interracial marriage? I hear 2016 is the year of "the Swirl."
• Zion Echols (RB, Fr.) and Malik Psalms (S, R-Fr.) - Dopest Christian Contemporary Hip Hop Group in the game.
• Jaylinn Hawkins (S, R-Fr.) - A steamy, smoke filled room in the part of Mississippi you hope your car doesn’t break down at night. But as you ease off the paved road you follow the sound. Thump, thump, bada-ba, bada-ba. Out past the fence you see the row of cars and tiny juke joint. Inside there are what seems like hundreds in a clown car of a room. What could possibly bring everyone out here, at this hour, to this place? And then you see him. The man just looks like the Delta Blues. But could it be? ...it must be...Jay.Linn. Hawkins.
• Jack Austin (WR, R-Jr.) - "Yea! That’s what those Californians are trying to do. Come into our town and...and...Jack Austin!"
• Gentle Williams (OL, Fr.), Addison Ooms (OL, R-So.) - "‘Gentle Williams,’ Addison ooms..." was definitely a line in some dirty, dime-store, harlequin romance novel your Great Aunt Sally used to read.
• Logan Gamble (WR, Fr.) - Wolverine going all-in when holding 2-7 offsuit.
• Drew Kobayashi (WR, Fr.) - Little does this receiver know that DeShon "Joey Chestnut" Elliott will be patrolling the middle, ready to demolish little wieners like him. #Merica
• Hamilton Anoa'i (LB, Jr.) - The follow up Broadway Hip-Hopera about how Hawaii became our 50th state should be riveting.
• Semisi Uluave (OL, So.) - No, a uluave is not what you think it is.
• Luc Bequette (DT, R-Fr.) - Born with a nom de’ francophilia, attending Cal from Arkansas, and with an Olympic figure skater mother who lost to Katarina Witt in the Battle of the Carmens...Luc has more existential issues than Jean-Paul Sartre could shake a baguette at.

Anagrams:

Sunny Dykes Anagrams:

• Synod en sky
• Yes Do NSynk

But mainly, he is the son of Texas Sports Hall of Famer Spike Dykes, which is more a Roller Derby persona than a name. Just to keep the theme of of the Red Raiders being like a rash over the whole college football manscape landscape.

Aaaaand we’re back to check in on all things fleek with the Charliest F’n Coach a school could ever ask for. How’s 2-0 feel, coach?

You know I have to be honest I was disappointed that I was not hoisted on the players shoulders after our victory over ut mexico

— Chuck F'n Strong (@ChuckFnStrong) September 11, 2016

We see you, Chuck. While a win over an international opponent is big for the Steve Patterson Texas Football™ brand vision, you can’t expect every week to be Notre Dame. I hear people like getting high in Berkeley though...

Speaking of next week’s opponent, what’s your take on Cal?

.@Cal hello cal its me Charlie I have an inquiry and it is why can't we bring bevo he is a cow u shouldn't be afraid like I said he's a cow

— Chuck F'n Strong (@ChuckFnStrong) September 12, 2016

How typical, the moment you start winning a few games and they go and ban the undefeated mascot. Just because some people argue the legality of letting a Longhorn lead block for the Longhorns... We’re gonna fix this - I bet you I can find some Mid American Conference refs that will totally let Bevo onto the field. At least for the last untimed play of the game.

In the meantime, what do you think is the key to winning this weekend?

I recruit good players

— Chuck F'n Strong (@ChuckFnStrong) September 10, 2016

Not a bad place to start. This is, as it always has been, a quick conversation with the very real and in no way parody coach Charlie F’n Strong. #HookEm.

This week’s Texas Pregamer is brought to you by the Inside Texas… Pregamer... wait a second…

Avast! What skullduggery is this? First they make us split Scipio in half (we got from the waist down), now they try to usurp our Pregamer title? AND they hyphen-ated it (in the text "our Texas-ND game day pre-gamer"... at least we save our grammar mistakes and inconsistencies for our graphics)! We shall not stand for this. Cousin IT, we challenge you to a duel! 10 paces, 8 for you and 2 for us, and then fire away with the most salacious Baylor comparison you can muster! Dibs on ‘Art Briles’ Feigned Regret’. We cannot lose.

Our tens of pageviews? Come and Take it!

Predictions:

Kyle Carpenter: You can’t outsmart us Cal. We nearly beat you last year with A RECEIVER playing QB. You can throw all of the knee fakes and hijinks you can dream up in some pot-brownied, fever dream slight of hand. But we’ll run right up the gut of you and throw right over the top of you. Sterlin’s 5333 Offense? Texas Wins 53 - 33.

TejasChaos: Cal built their stadium over a fault line, and designed to split in half during earthquakes. I guess that’s one way to prep for Foreman. Texas by a rumble.

VY Pump Fake: D’onta Foreman puts on his best Wun Wun impression and wrecks the Cal run defense. Texas by 5 "King in the North"s.

Parting Shot:

This gem comes courtesy the SB mothership, and the Harbaugh Gold Mine.

Jim Harbaugh on his radio show: 'I have never eaten a booger in my entire life.'

— Nick Baumgardner (@nickbaumgardner) September 12, 2016

#Ravens HC John Harbaugh: "My brother has never eaten a booger."

— Nate Ulrich (@NateUlrichABJ) September 14, 2016