With each passing week, Gundy’s mullet continues to gain sentience. Once each tentacle rooted firmly in his brain stem, it was only a matter of time before it gained complete control. T. Boone Pickens saw it first, "Mike doesn’t handle people relationships very well." Once the social skills went, it was all downhill from there. He stopped showering. He tore the sleeves off all his shirts. He campaigned for Trump. The transformation was complete.
We’ve all seen it before. Hogan. Agassi. Swayze. This guy. It’s time to do the only humane thing left. Put ‘er down. Luckily for the Longhorns we have thunder in the backfield and lightning in the slot. Euphemisms aside, the Horns will come out swinging like your parents in the 1980s. Euphemisms aside, after a tough defeat and with an extra week to marinate, the Horns are itching to get back out and prove that Notre Dame isn’t an absolute steaming pile of Brian Kelly’s what-you-get-when-you-eat-Cici’s-Pizza
Welcome to Big 12 play Longhorn fans. It’s a nine game stretch that either ends at the gallows or the seat of glory atop the #1 conference in all the land. Many people are saying the Big 12 will get 3 of the 4 playoff spots this year. Yuuge. The SEC even fired Les Miles just to lure Tom Herman away so the Big 12 dominance can’t grow even further. Teams across the nation are fighting tooth and nail to try to join us. The mighty Bearcats, Cougars, the other Cougars, and, well, basically you just have to have a feline mascot. That said, the Pokes are no pussycats. Euphemisms aside, Texas will have their hands full this weekend going up against the most famous reindeer of all.
Meow. Meow. Go Big 12. Hook ‘em.
- OSU has finally passed longtime nemesis Lost Creek Safari for the #1 thing to do in Stillwater. They still may be #200 academically, but it's an achievement.
- Technically, NouveauBevo is still undefeated. Long may he reign.
- People who have money at stake are interested in both reviving the UT-Aggie rivalry and having it take place at the very sensible Texas Motor Speedway. Pshh, NASCAR? Like Texas would agree to the Aggies having home-field advantage.
- Depression swept across the nation Monday as the Presidential debate showcased the two stiff, plastic politicians leading the current Presidential race.
- Charlie Strong’s Other-Team-That-He-Gets-Credit-For-The-Good-Things has made preseason trendy "doesn’t end in abama" National Championship pick Clemson a 2-point home dog. This would be a big win for Charlie.
- Ed Orgeron has been announced as LSU’s interim head coach. At the time of publication, we are unable to confirm how Colonel Reb feels about that.
- Anthony Fera ended his career as an All-American, holder of a few Longhorn records, and a pretty excellent transfer from Penn State. I think we all still feel confident in saying: we got the wrong kicker.
- CowpokémonGo: Any fans interested in rounding out their Pokémon collection on that app they haven't opened in 6 weeks while on the trip to a new location may be disappointed. The city of Stillwater, like the OSU team, is basically full of annoyingly persistent Rattatas and an offensive line of 450 pound Raticates.
The Pregamer returns to its unassailable throne:
Bye Week's over. Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now!
Better Know a Roster
The lesser of the state's Big-2 (though Fenves says Tulsa is nice any time of year), there is no lack of name talent, no matter what the product on the field yields.
- Calvin Bundage (LB, Fr.) - Gundy HAD to offer him a scholarship, if only to justify his search history to his wife. "No, no, it was a typo! I thought his last name was spelt with an ‘O’! How was I to know that his daddy’s name is Calvin! I was thinking it...that's why I searched Leather Daddy!"
- Lenzy Pipkins (CB, R-Sr.) - I'm pretty sure that Dr. Pepper guy predicted he'd be the MVP of that 1954 Cotton Bowl.
- Amen Ogbongbemiga (LB, Fr.) - [after the excessively long dinner prayer] "Amen." [Then to make sure all are still awake, [shouted:] "OGBONGBEMIGA."
- Keondre Wudtee (QB, Fr.) - Yup, in my Wudtee.
- Matthew Mucha (OL, R-So.), Madre Harper (CB, Fr.), Zach Sinor (P, R-So.) - "Mucha Madre, Siñor" would definitely get you stabbed where I grew up.
- Barry J. Sanders (RB, R-Sr.) - The rare "Stanford-to-Oklahoma State" graduate transfer that academically screams "I did four years of real school and NOW I want to play beer pong and stuff"
- Justice Hill (RB, Fr.) - What women have taken to calling the hill behind that more famous El Paso Hill, where reciprocation is performed. (300% less populated)
- Ry Schneider (OL, Fr.) - From Minco, Oklahoma. You’re telling me this guy has never opened for Turnpike Troubadours?
- Chad Whitener (LB, R-Jr.) - Let’s be honest, no matter how hard you try there is no way to further whiten a ‘Chad.’
- Sam Walkingstick (LS, R-Fr.) - The hobbit Frodo should have picked.
- Dillon Stoner (WR, Fr.) - Bloodshot eyes. Full Pipes. Can’t lose.
- Tariq Bitson (WR, Fr.) - The more urban retelling of "Charlie Bit Me" didn't go quite viral.
- Id Nuke Gym
- Kidney Mug
- Kid Men Guy
- Mud Keying
- Edgy in muk
Free Associating - Pokelahoma:
Refs! Alan Eck in the NFL! Poona Ford gets penalized for defensive holding (and bowing)! Wickline! Punters! Nothing bad every happens after losing a very close game to Cal the week prior! THE VY Pumpfake!
Just because the team had a bye week doesn’t mean our very real twitter coach @ChuckFnStrong was taking the week off. We sat down with the surprisingly frank coach to see how the week has progressed. How’s it going Chuck?
Does bye week have a tech qb transfer— Chuck F'n Strong (@ChuckFnStrong) September 18, 2016
Thank God no. We only have to play against two more tech QBs this year unless current Tech backup Nic Shimonek manages to second-transfer to Kansas. So up this week is Oklahoma State-
It's gameweek now we have to play undefeated #1 ranked Oklahoma Steak in 7 days & I vow to not sleep until after the game bc I'm preparing— Chuck F'n Strong (@ChuckFnStrong) September 25, 2016
Always like the enthusiasm from the head ball coach. The mentality is spot on - whomever you are playing this week is always #1. We are locked in and all problems are over. This is a lesson that we should all take to heart. On a different topic - we’ve really been enjoying Stranger Things over our bye week. We know you are a very busy man, but have you had a chance to watch it?
You know as I watch auburn vs lsu I think the SEC is probably really good in the upside down— Chuck F'n Strong (@ChuckFnStrong) September 24, 2016
Yeah I could see Leonard Fournette really hammering the upside down. By the way, has anyone seen Les? He was riding his bike through that foggy woods on the edge of Baton Rouge Saturday night and nobody seems to know where he got off to... Anywhoo - America is getting ready to vote in a new commander and chief. As an authority on core values, do you have a take on the current debates that happened this week?
Trump just said 400 pounders sitting at home are declaring cyber warfare on us why do you hate America Bret bieliemeia— Chuck F'n Strong (@ChuckFnStrong) September 27, 2016
I couldn’t have said it better myself.
*Now available in 100% Himalayan Scapegoat
Kyle Carpenter: Oklahoma State, worried that Les Miles will try to show back up and "just sleep on the couch until he gets back on his feet" can't really bring themselves to watch the Cal game tape and figure out how to "throw it deep on a wide open busted coverage." Gundy's party in back getting the best of him, he couldn't help but go out a few times and re-live the featherier mullet days, in lieu of reading the reports on Texas' receiving corps and frosh QB. In the words of Jenna Maroney describing both OSU's secondary and the better shade of orange: YA BURNT! [45-41]
VY Pump Fake: Saturday we get the front end of back to back Oklahoma. Oh God I just read it out loud. I have to go drink bleach now. Uhh Texas by 3 (and Duvernay scores his first TD).
Ok ladies, now let's get in formation