You know what we haven’t talked about enough this year, and it’s a damn travesty? ARLINGTON.
While all of the world’s eyes have been fixed on the Texas city with a World Series winning baseball team, there is another Texas town that plays a little “baseball.”
Arlington, the sensitive frenulum just beneath Ft. Worth’s purple head of the Phallus-Dirt Worth Metroplex was the one thing we could all agree on. It crossed religions, party lines, and if Sooners could read, probably even state lines!
Major or Simms? Shane or Sam? Vince or Chance Mock? Fire or (now in 2017) Hire Greg Davis? Are the Aggy a rival? It seemed like the one thing that brought us together. Can we just get back to those halcyon days where we all flocked to the comments section to mock Arlington?
What do you mean The Pregamer is deflecting? We’re not scared of TCU, just look at what we did to a Baylor team that is only a year removed* from back-to-back-to-back 10-win seasons! Ok, so maybe Baylor has the Whitefish Energy of NCAA defenses, and maybe UT has had a Manafort of trouble moving the ball against even mediocre units, but somewhere between Waco and DFW, Shane is still running (he was heading into the tunnel opposite the rubiginous river, so that’s Northish).
Who said Buechele doesn't have wheels? pic.twitter.com/lYIF0YbHvz— Ezra Siegel (@SiegelEzra) October 28, 2017
And Texas is only a TCU win and a rivalry game against Kansas away from those sweet, sweet, extra post-season practices!
Purple only looked good on Prince. Hook ‘Em.
Better Know a Roster
I don’t think it’s a Tim Beck off-tackle STRETCH to say that TCU has the most fantastically ridiculous collection of names we’ve seen this year.
Quazzel White, Ty Slanina, Innis Gaines, Arico Evans, Ezra Tu'ua, Lucas Gravelle, Austin Schlottmann, Armanii Glaspie, Karson Ringdahl, Grayson Muehlstein, Ni'Jeel Meeking, and Cole Bunce...and these are the ones that didn’t make the cut below!
Jalen Reagor (WR, FR) - Was originally named Jalen Snow...until his true parentage was revealed, and changed EVERYTHING!
La'Kendrick Van Zandt (S, FR) - this sounds like a crossover country rapper who, no offense intended to Pride of the Texas Longhorns, Cowboy Troy...doesn’t suck. (Please click that...it’s gloriously bad).
Toby Lettman (OL, JR) - This guy is from Surrey, England and now I can’t saying Toby Lettman in a Ricky Gervais voice mocking him for being a “letterman.”
John Diarse (WR, SR) - and since I’m using this accent, it dawned on me that how hilarious it is that the English use “Arse” and that team in North London has it as the root of it’s name and it’s manager.
Kenny Hill (QB, SR) - the guy’s got two modes...Kenny Trill or Benny Hill. (Well, if he gets sick in-game, Kenny Ill...and if Texas shuts him out...Kenny Nil...but you get the point).
Ranthony Texada (CB, SR) - This is how you know you’ve been doing the Pregamer a long time, I tried to make two different jokes and realized I had done them in the past two Pregamers.
Joseph Noteboom (OT, SR) - Microsoft’s oft-forgotten rebrand to go with the late 2000s XTREME craze featured “MICROSOFT NOTEBOOM! WHERE NOTE YOU TAKE IS WICKED AWESOME (AND IN ALL CAPS)!”
Dylan Thomas (WR, SO) - “Do not go gentle into that good slot; RAGE! RAGE! Against the dying of the route.” - Welsh walk-on/poet, Dylan “Haines” Thomas
Asaph Zamora (QB, RS FR) - Y’all heard about ASAP Rockey and ASAP Ferg, but what y’all know about that spanish-language, Psalm-loving, ASAPH Zamora. Going for a Dove Award.
Caleb Biggurs (CB, FR) - “These lineman are doing it bigly, yuge biggurs they’ve got here in Fort Worth.”
Daythan Davis (TE, JR), Pakamiaiaea Davis (FB, SR), Davis Devereaux (LB, JR) - Daythan, Pacman-ayeayea and Devereaux walk into a bar...this sounds like the beginning of a racist joke your uncle will tell you at Thanksgiving.
Al'Dontre Davis (WR, FR) - The cooking class really took off when they let the kids choose their own food-based nicknames. “Al’Dontre” and his friends “Big Papparadelle Williams,” “Al Mascarpone,” and “Susan “Sue Vide” Anderson” really...take the cake.
Jacques Guillot (DE, JR) - Nope. Refust to accept this one. This guy is actually a Michellin-starred chef or something.
Ridwan Issahaku (S, JR) - No Ridwan, THISSAHAIKU:
Visors retired with Bob Stoops/
Around the World
- Can we just take a second and talk about the cake that Charlie baked for Tom? I feel like he may’ve skipped a few steps trying to get all Julia Child on the thing, when he should’ve just pinned it to his board and followed measured each ingredient precisely. If he baked the cake...it surely was laced with edibles.
- Counterpoint: Texas beat a Top-15 team on the road (and that team was Iowa State and Iowa State’s QB may’ve also been on edibles).
- Counterpoint #2: TEXAS IS BACK (to no. 20 in Sagarin ratings -- only one spot behind powerhouse Iowa State).
- Speaking of Iowa State...they are awesome. I have long rooted for this long-suffering team. After beating TCU last week, the local Taco Bell was eaten out of it’s inventory, because that’s how Iowans celebrate because they are adorable.
- They also have a Charlie-esque code of niceness. But not this week, because they are playing in the RIOT BOWL against WVU, which is oddly a thing.
- In a lesser rivalry game; Bedlam. Here’s Baker’s moustache ‘shopped on other football figures (including young Sam).
- Ed Orgeron, classic FOOTBALL GUY, said he “does not turn on the internet” - or more realistically “ehh duhnern ah turnnahnineret.”
- Mike Leach, one of the great philosophers of our age, has finally ruled in on the Great Candy Corn Debate, and as usual...he’s right.
- Kansas has done something pretty...improbable. They are somehow more than a TD underdog to “the most dangerous winless team in CFB,” Baylor. Yep THAT Baylor.
- There’s no way Kansas’ “Honoring History as a Free-State” uniform promo could go wrong...right? Like some school claiming “history” debuts a “Stars-N-Bars State’s Rights” jersey?
I predict a score not dissimilar to World Series Game 5. Whereas the good guys beat the rich snobs 13-12 in baseball in that one, I trust that Good Guys from Austin will beat the private school snobs 17-14. Inexplicably, George Springer is still somehow the best player in the game #EarnedHistory
For Fort Worth to get in the news, it has to be due to giant Longhorns. #LongLivetheLonghornNetwork