(2018, Round 1 was an underappreciated work of art — check that out too)
It had to come down to this. There was no other way. There was certainly no other place. For Texas to ultimately make it to the lands of Backonia, they must pass through the mythical gates of Arlington, TX. And who else, but the “You shall not pass (but your offense sure can on our lackluster defense)” Oklahoma Sooners?
It’s been 115 years since we last had to suffer the Acre Takers twice in one year. And back then, Austin Siebert was only an incoming freshman!
It’s also been over 80 years since the game was played outside of Dallas, and that’s right folks—Arlington AIN’T Dallas.
But we’re not here to talk down about parts of Texas, because even the less desirable parts are made by the incestuous backwoods of
Fleabottom Oklahoma to seem like a Dornish Watergarden.
We’re here to talk about Texas going 1-0 this week and 2-0 against OU in 2018, in the process accounting for both of the Sooners’ losses and 100% of their championship dreams crushed. We’re also here to talk about OU Sucking (Attn Bob Bowlsby: please direct all fines to Scipio and/or SailorRipley), and because we’ve already done that particular exercise once-a-year for the past 6 years, we’ll steal some choice ones from the past:
At some point in everyone’s life, their mother tells them they shouldn’t call people names. But in Oklahoma, you usually don’t get that advice. And that mother is also your cousin. She’s your Mothercousin. And she also wouldn’t give you that other time-worn matronly maxim: “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” Well, sorry Mom, we don’t have anything nice to say about OU during hate week. And we’ve got a word count to hit.
Sure, Texas may not be the program it once was, but Oklahoma is still the program it always wasn’t never not. Shady, trashy, morally repugnant, disease-riddled, ugly, filthy, illiterate, slovenly, pediculous.
Cheating, no-good, cousin-marrying, acne-backed, buck-toothed, gap-toothed, yellow-toothed, meth mouthed morons. BigTex Burning, deadbeat dickheads. Loudmouth louses. And other astutly alliterative insults. Wet fart-smelling land thieves in Pontiac Trans Ams. Simpletons with be-dandruffed mullets. Corpulent creeps with micropenises.
Unlearned, unwashed, uncultured, unhinged, unfathomably unintelligent ungulates.
We don’t care if that one didn’t make sense, because Oklahoma is populated by hunch-backed Cleatuses, twisted-spined Waynetrelles, crooked-coccyxed Bobby-Jo-Toby-Keiths, and other rednecks with back problems.
Hillbilly sons of bitches. The lot of ‘em.
It’s [insert time] AM/PM, and OU Sucks. Hook ‘Em
Better Know A Roster
Though we’ve been around for years, we were not publishing our banter 100+ years ago, the last time we played the Sod Snatchers twice. So this is new territory, but also exciting times —rarely do you get to see how the sausage is made, and what makes the initial BKAR cut, before being axed in the lead up to final production. Here are some from the cutting room floor.
Tanner Mordecai (QB, Fr.) - *Reposting because this was an underappreciated joke* When you get assigned the mission trip to Aruba...
Starrland Baldwin (CB, Fr.) - This sounds like a old time rag -- music and composer.
Nick Basquine (WR, RSr.) - Basquine the glory of Texas’ 62-46-5 all time series lead.
Levi Draper (LB, RFr.) - Literally this is how they decorate in the trash state of Oklahoma: Jean curtains
Zacchaeus McKinney (DT, RFr.) - “Zaccheaus was a wee little man, a wee little man was he. If this is what you call a wee little man, Kyler is about 3 foot 3!”
Charleston Rambo (WR, RFr.) - A character Michael Scott was workshopping for the Southern murder mystery episode: “I do declare...I am your worst nightmare”
Creed Humphrey (OL, RFr.) - Keeping it The Office themed...
Dane Saltarelli (TE, Fr.) - I’m positive this guy played in the 90s MTV Rock and Jock games.
Jon-Michael Terry (LB, RSo.) - Gotta have the 2 first names. It’s in the state constitution (which is actually mostly the first 3 pages of a tractor manual, plus 2 amendments and an executive order clearing Joe Mixon).
Delarrin Turner-Yell (S, Fr.) - “Turn and yell” is not a terrible description of Bob Stoops defensive scheme/philosophy.
Kyler Murray — Growing Up Before our eyes
No Kliff in the Big 12.
For FAR LESS than $75 million guaranteed, Tech will get the coach of the Aggies with the best record in the country this season. And while still boyishly handsome from the right angle, he’s not so much that the players are distracted instead of reading their defensive playbooks. It sounds like things won’t be all bad for KK, though it will be hard for him to get used to life in Los Angeles without a Prairie Dog Town.
Casitas for sale in North Carolina?
Is the domain MackBrownTarHeelFootball.com still available? Asking for a friend.
That’s right folks, Mack was “scared to death” of having to stand next to Adam Amin for even another quarter, and really all the momentum favored a well-coached ball-team of good kids who just need a little direction down in Chapel Hill. And it looks like the band is getting back together, because… is that Gerg’s music???
...and hey, check that Casita to see if the cupboards are bare or full of pre-baked cakes.
A Hullabaloo, Redneck Connect
After a ridiculous game of football that beat the over by OVER 100 POINTS thanks to 7 overtimes (seriously — how SEC is scoring 80 percent of your points when you get to start at the 20...The big 12 does that from their OWN 20). Potentially Jimbo’s redneck kin then assaulted a man with a pacemaker and Parkinson’s because even when they win, the Aggies find a way to lose.
KyleCarpenter: Orlando figures OU offense out, while Ruffin McNeil transforms from a Kangaroo into a Stoops and allows Ehlinger to insert himself into next year’s Heisman race. UT 49, OUsux 41