HATE WEEK 2018
Take a pause for a moment. If you’re on a computer, look to the bottom right of the screen. If you’re reading on a phone (welcome, millennials), click the lock screen then come back.
You see that time? Whatever it reads, whether it’s 2:17, 8:48, 11:05...at that very moment, and at that very time, OU sucks. Now, I’m not trying to Criss Angel Mindfreak you or anything. It really isn’t any kind of magic. The Terra Burglars make this very easy and I’ll let you in on a little industry secret. There is never a time, no matter the minute, hour, day, or week of the year that OU DOESN’T Suck. It’s right there in their signature hand gesture.
And this year, as they do every year, the Sod Snatchers bring their Suck and jaundice and mobile homes full of half-eaten Little Debbies across the state line, pollutin’ our good Texas air. They bring 20,000 “homes,” carrying some 40,000 people, and at least 50,000 teeth. The Plains Pilferers also bring with them a #6 rating in the country, built on the backs of crushing victories over 2-3 FAU, 0-4 UCLA, 1-3 Iowa State, and not Art Briles’ Baylor. As well as eeking out a win over a service academy in OT at home (the Dirt Diverters #respectthetroops).
Tenuously ranked at best, the Savanna Embezzlers face a Texas team that is UNDEFEATED in stadiums that primarily host college football games! With wins over the baddest pair of purple teams in the land and consecutive Top-25 opponents, there is no reason to assume the Steppe Stealers have anything to give the heroic Longhorns fright.
And don’t take my word for it. The Acre Taker’s own state “gubment” was so sure about the Parcel Plunderers impending doom, that they reversed a decades old law this week to increase the strength of beer in their pathetic excuse for a state, to help the Grassland Bandits drown their sorrows after realizing beating Texas was a taller order than Kyler putting something on the top shelf of the pantry.
And speaking of the government, I believe I just received a presidential alert pertaining to the Ranch Wranglers:
Give ‘em hell, and OU still sucks. Hook ‘em.
Better Know A Roster
I always feel a little guilty during this week’s BKAR, as most of the kids who play football for OU are from Texas. But if you choose to be a Sooner, you sacrifice those official protections afforded to you by the Great State. Also, can we just start with the agreement that “Kyler” is a terrible name. It is taking what is otherwise a perfect name, and adding a superfluous end-letter. Inexcusable.
Brian Asamoah II (LB, Fr.) - 99% of college athletes go pro in something other than sports. And 99% of Sooners go pro in one thing -- Asamower (of lawns).
Stephen Johnson (K, Fr.) - We’re gonna jump right in and say this is the Methy, Trailer Park Boy version of Ryan Gosling. You wouldn’t buy Gosling playing a character with a “moustache” that pubey. Looks fake, tbh.
K’Jakyre Daley (DE/LB, RFr.) - pronounced juh-CAR-ee. Nope. You can just do that. You have to dance with the letter that brung ya. You can’t just make up new sounds. There is no such thing as silent “k apostrophe.” K-y-r-e can be a few things, but none of them evoke the machine with four wheels parked in your driveway. This is the most Okie shit I’ve ever read and I am legitimately upset right now. It’s like those “miracle berries” that make cheese taste like watermelon or whatever -- except they don’t make those for names! You can’t just give me a berry and make this your name. I can’t be the only one who is outraged by this can I???
CeeDee Lamb (WR, So.) - You’re telling me this doesn’t sound like a late 90s Christian bookstore/CD purveyor, who makes their bank on promise rings, necklaces with a cross made of overlaid nails, and WWJD bracelets?
Zacchaeus McKinney (DT, RFr.) - No doubt this guy did book signings at the CD Lamb in Waco, TX.
Jaquayln Crawford (WR, Fr.), Tramonda Moore (OL, Jr.) - These have a certain “Boy Named Sue” quality about them, but Tramonda is the biggest woman I’ve ever seen, so I’m not gonna tell her.
Tanner Mordecai (QB, Fr.) - When you get assigned the mission trip to Aruba...
Prentice McKinney (S, Sr.) - Can you imagine making an “A Prentice” joke here without having to cry because now the guy who was really tacky and said “yuh fiyahed” is the guy who boards Air Force One with toilet paper on his shoe?
Reeves Mundschau (P, RFr.) - Reeves von Mundschau definitely sounds like a guy who was hanging out with the Archduke Ferdinand in the 19teens.
T.J. Pledger (RB, Fr.) - Rushed more as a freshman than Adrian Peterson. He has been a pledge at all 9 IFC fraternities, though he is what is known as a perma-pledge.
Brendan Radley-Hiles (DB, Fr.) - The kid goes by “Boo-Kie.” That’s right...Boo Radley will be haunting the bowels of the Cotton Bowl for the next 4 seasons.
Drake Stoops (WR, Fr.) - ‘Linc-y, do you love me?/ I’m full riding? /Because Mike’s my uncle, and my dad is Bobbbbb.’
Marcelias Sutton (RB, Sr.) - I wish his name was Marcelias Wallace because I feel like Breckyn Hager would taunt him by threatening to give his gf foot rubs.
Erik Swenson (OL, RSo.) - Starts with an S...Swim? Swammi? Slippy? Slappy? Swenson? Swanson? Samsonite? I was waaay off.
Myles Tease (WR, RSr.) - “Sign up now and get 50,000 redeemable miles!”
- Lincoln Riley sounds like a car that McConaughey rejects doing an ad for
- Lincoln Riley sounds like a tariff from our 16th President
- Lincoln Riley strikes me as the guy who says “for all intensive purposes”
- Lincoln Riley just doesn’t get the hype over breakfast tacos
- Lincoln Riley leaves frozen items on the shelf of the cereal section of the grocery store.
- Lincoln Riley has visited every one of Guy Fieri’s 63 restaurants
- Lincoln Riley writes Jar Jar Binks fan fic
- Lincoln Riley makes conversation (and eye contact) at the urinal
- Lincoln Riley never has his ID or boarding pass out of his luggage at the TSA line.
- Lincoln Riley uses ‘irregardless’ non-ironically.
- Lincoln Riley cries at the end of every Big Bang episode.
- Lincoln Riley eats keto and does crossfit and is happy to talk to you about it
- Lincoln Riley flies into Austin-Bergstrom so he can rent a car to visit Magnolia in Waco.
- Lincoln Riley definitely boofs, and almost certainly has been on all sides of the Devil’s Triangle.
Around the World
- Mike Leach continues to be a loveable deviant. Read about his potemkin playbook ruse from the 1999 OU game.
- The Sunshine on my GD Shoulders John Denver Bowl may’ve been the best game of the week.
- Got the over on 74.5
- TTU QB had a collapsed lung
- WVU had a lineman “cramp” due to being “fat”
- TTU lineman threw failed haymakers
Gameday is coming to the Cotton Bowl. If you make a sign that says Texas Pregamer somewhere on it and can provide photo evidence that it made it to TV, you can have a prize beyond your wildest dreams...a guest spot on a future Pregamer! Just be prepared, once you have the life of fame, it never really “goes back.”
Kyle Carpenter: Kyler Murray, the second highest paid QB in OU history, doesn’t want anything to do with a defense that hits harder than Joe Mixon after 2 drinks. Texas 45 - 38.
VY Pump Fake: OU leads at half, but Texas scores 2 defensive TD’s in the second half to pull away as Murray keeps losing sight of his receivers, their crimson jerseys blending in with a backdrop full of Sooner rednecks. Texas 38 - 31.