As Gogol Bordello’s unofficial anthem of the wildcats espouses, when everyone starts wearing purple, it’s just a matter of time until all your sanity and wits will vanish. A trip to Manhattan carries with it a curse of unending apurplectic frustration. As Longhorn fans Shop-Vac hot takes and purple prose through our eyeballs after three straight wins, we are continuously reminded of the stark wasteland Manhattan has been for us, sitting in a purple haze 3 hours from Nowhere. As Herman noted in his press conference, we haven’t won there since the Great Depression and Caden Sterns was yet but a twinkle in his great grandfather’s eye. Back then everyone lived in Hoovervilles and the Oklahoma Drill was created just to divvy up rations. Bill Snyder had only coached K-State for a decade. In short, it’s been awhile. And now Snyder, the chief artist of the Purple Nurple, has us right where he wants us, again.
Given the purple patch UT finds itself in, and with the Red River Rivalry in two weeks, this has all the earmarks of a classic trap game -- not to be confused with the classic tarp games @ Baylor -- and Albus Snyderdore is lying in wait. Billy Wonka and the JuCo factory is never a golden ticket to success for the Horns. Snyder’s cottage in Carriage Cove, Daytona Beach is decorated with tasteful floral patterns and the desecrated scalps of Shane Buechele, Tyrone Swoopes, Case McCoy, Garrett Gilbert (5 INTs!), and Jevan Snead (lulz). And those are just the ones that lost in Manhattan. Our last win in Manhattan came via the Chris Simms/BJ Johnson connection (not a sex act), a 4th quarter field goal from Dusty Mangum (considered a ‘lewd and indecent’ act if performed vs Michigan), a back breaking Joe Tapenade sack, and a Marcus Tubbs blocked kick. One of those players is not actually real, but does go great on a muffaletta sandwich. My point is, it was a long time ago and Longhorns of the younger generation literally don’t know what it feels like to win in La Pequeña Manzana.
And yet, there is hope Longhorn fans. Tom Herman is 1-0 vs Bill Snyder and in case you didn’t know yet, 1-0 is kinda TH’s thing. #Branding aside, if the Longhorns can manage not to John Steinbeck our puppies to death, we have a true opportunity to exorcise yet another one-eyed, one-horned, flying purple football demon this season. If we can survive both TCU & K-State unscathed, I’m willing to give us credit for both Indigo and Violet in the Texas ROY G BIV 12, equal opportunity revenge tour.
Better Know A Chinstrap
Bill Snyder has always been an innovator. Some argue he invented the zone read. He invented the fullback-cum-quarterback. But what he is doing with Riddell, is truly revolutionary. While the details are proprietary and guarded with far greater urgency than his Purple Boys can provide either of his QBs this year, we know that it involves growing a part of the helmet directly into the specimen — specifically the chinstrap. Exhibit A:
Better Know A Roster
Daron Bowles (R-Jr, DB) - I thought we made this clear a few weeks ago against USC -- you can’t just change a letter and try to bring back your guys, or we’ll unleash Bolt McCoy.
Jhet Burkhart (Fr, LB) - Jhet Burkhart is one of the players in the chin strap graphic above. One of the Caucasian ones!
Nick Ast (R-Fr, QB) - “He Ast, my dude.”
Cameron Cotton (R-F, TE) - Presented without comment.
Harrison Creed (R-Fr, OL) - For some reason when it’s Snyderville, I picture more of a set of 15 core doctrines laid out in the “Harrison Creed” -- even with my core instincts always leaning more Rocky/90s alternative references. It’ll Take You Higher, either way.
Jack Blumer (Fr, P) - Recruited as a QB, then Snyder Snydered him into being a punter. Leg is still developing...guess you could call him a late...developer.
Eric Gallon II (R-Jr, LB) - Erik “2 Gallon” just really won’t splurge for that 10-Gallon hat.
Mason Barta (R-Fr, FB) - This literally sounds like the way Bill Snyder has built a program in the middle of the college football hinterlands -- little beg, little steal, little Barta.
Blaise Gammon (Jr, TE) - We will never let a Blaise, Gunnar, Lynx, Jace or otherwise go without taking a moment to shame their parents. Do better, parents.
Chabastin Taylor (R-Fr, WR) - “Little Chabastin” is 6’4, 230!
Spencer Misko (R-Fr, TE) - Misko actually commutes into Manhattan from nearby Bushwick, Kansas where he curates artisinal firewood in his woodland studio.
Around the World
West Lafayette, Indiana (No, it’s a real place)
Freshman sensation Rondale Moore becomes one of two freshman since 2000 with 30+ receptions and 5+ total touchdowns in his first four games. The other? Michael Crabtree. I’m sure neither of these guys have or will ever cause a sleepless night for the Longhorn faithful.
Clemson, South Carolina
And the college free agency begins.
Dan Mullen honored with his own ice cream flavor.
American Values, USA
I’ll tell you what. If nothing else, the Sooners do a good job supporting the troops. They stood at attention (with two deep safeties against a triple-option) and allowed Army to have 75% Time of Possession!
Bill Snyder is embarrassed to coach a team that “can’t get 6 inches.” He continued “I’m 126, and I’ve got at least double that here for ya” before grabbing near the zipper region of his khakis.
Tale of the Tape: The Manhattans
VY Pump Fake - Texas rolls a nat 20 on a dispel magic check, defeats the wizard and investigates the item drop, finding a really heartfelt, handwritten congratulation note.
Kyle Carpenter - If you take a Benjamin Button approach to this it works: Tom Herman is Olenna Tyrell handing young Joffrey Bill-ratheon a cup of wine to chase down some dry pigeon pie. Drink it up Bill...it’s Purple Wedding time. 42-14.