Not how you dream of watching your Big 12 Championship dreams go up in smoke. That last offensive series was not so much going down in a blaze of glory as it was one rushing prolapse after another, nailed into the ground by a free timeout for our opponent masquerading as an attempted screen pass. Our play calls were so conservative that they were tweeting in all caps and cutting corporate tax rates. The second rush was literally called Trickle Down A Gap. It’s not all the coaches fault though, it’s not like we played a team in Week 2 who, in the exact same situation, threw a pass on 3rd and 17 to seal the win. The binder says run the ball, despite your worst rushing performance of the entire season, guys. Click link to feel better.
Alright, that’s out of my system. It’s never good to dwell on the past, even though we would have definitely won if Colt hadn’t gotten injured, so it’s time to move on and look ahead to this week’s opponent. Yes, now we turn our eyes to Baylor and coach Matt Rhule, pictured here in his iconic ‘smock’ that is taking Waco by storm (now available in the Hearth™ & Hand™ collection by Magnolia™ ).
Fun fact, Matt Rhule is a former Cruiserweight Champion in the WWE and Vince McMahon’s illegitimate son. It was actually in the WWE where his love of uniquely distinctive outfits first blossomed. Rhule, a former Nittany Lion letterman, came to Baylor to help rehabilitate the university’s football program after it was rocked by
the Sandusky scandal The Art Briles scandal. So far, he’s seemed to be the man for the job, posting dramatic improvements in each season at the helm, and even buying a pickup truck to seem more folksy and Texas with the croots. Do not fear, Longhorn fans. Despite the Jets notably spurning him for having the gall to want to hire his own staff, the BOMC is still hard at work generating NFL buzz for Rhule. Unfortunately, we are spread pretty thin these days, what with the simultaneous shopping of Lincoln Riley to the Cowboys (we’ve got an in with Jerry Jones’ sommelier).
Baylor is fresh off a loss so heartbreaking to OU that it almost made you forget that Charlie Brewer has some kind of link to the University of Texas. Though being outgained by 300 yards in the second half evokes a Texas of a certain vintage... But speaking of Charlie Brewer - Cade Brewer is not his younger brother, though they both went to Lake Travis. His father and grandfather however both played quarterback at Texas (his uncle did too!). Texas didn’t offer him. He’s friends with Baker Mayield (who calls him Chaz). OK, you can now mute the audio during Saturday’s broadcast. Silencing people, how on brand for a Baylor football team!
OK, so I lied at the beginning of this. Our Big XII title hopes are not technically dead. If we beat Baylor and Tech, ISU drops a game to one of the Kansans and the Bears lose to Lawrence Les, we could fall Assalley (too soon?) backwards into the title game vs OU. It’s a real Dumb and Dumber ‘so you’re telling me there’s a chance’ moment, but hey, at least our pets heads aren’t falling off.
Coach Totally Rhules!
They say dress for the job you want...well Matt Rhule clearly has some options. He’s currently dressed for:
- Silver Lining Playbook’s Broadway run
- Friar Tuck (more like...Friar Truck)
- Hunchback of Notre Dame
- Golf caddie
- Winner of a golf tournament (green jackets!)
- Crossing Guard
- Penn State Head Coach?
[swipe for the lolz]
Better Know a Roster
Jim Threet (OL, Jr.) - I always love it when Lou Holtz talks about the legends. “You shee Jim Threet wassh a Texash legend. Hissh son Hhhushhhton alsho a legend, but in baseshball. You know who elssh has legendsh? Notre Dame!”
Jackson Shupp (DE, R-Fr.) - funny story: my wife is a Baylor alum and can rap EVERY. SINGLE. WORD to Salt-N-Peppa’s “Shoop.” Discovering this probably has an incredibly strong correlation to the day I started shopping for rings. It’s the voodoo that she do so well.
Chris Platt (WR, Gr.) - Only one letter away from greatness. And very many millions of dollars. And Arnold Schwarzenegger’s daughter...but hey, Waco is pretty nice too!
Bo Brewer (QB, Fr.) - Jesus. We get it, Brewers. You guys quarterback.
Josh Fleeks (WR, So.) - I can just hear the whiteness in the stands as the “cool baptist” kids try to explain to the extremely sheltered ones what the new hip phrase “On Fleeks” means...in 2019.
Griffin Speaks (S, Fr.) - Remember when Robert Griffin won the Heisman and then there was a whole media cycle about how “surprisingly well-spoken” he was?
Trystan Slinker (LB, Jr.) - Is there a more perfect Baylor surname than one that evokes slinking around surreptitiously in the shadows, up to various nefarious affairs?
Garmon Randolph (DE, Fr.) - hilariously, he was making his way from hometown of Jefferson, Ga. to a real city but his 2004-era plug-in GPS malfunctioned and he ended up in Waco.
Niadré Zouzoua (DE, Jr.) - I came here to make a joke about ‘how fackin’ wicked the kid from Brockton, Mass singing Zoubizoubi-fackin zou a-la Megan Draper would be’, but instead got sucked into a wikihole...
Did you know Brockton is the second windiest city in the country? At 14.3 mph average it is exponentially windier than Chicago (which doesn’t even crack the Top-100 windidest) at 10.3. Brockton, like it’s famous Raiders-owning son: Just Win Baby
Bravvion Roy (DT, Sr.) Spring, Texas / Spring HS
Grayland Arnold (CB, Jr.) - Baylor-as-feel-good-story of the year requires that you root for the Hyenas from the graylands in Lion King.
Thor Rodoni (LS, Jr.) - So sad to see how far hefty Asgardian has fallen. Long-snapping at Baylor.
Christoph Henle (TE, So.) - Poor Cristopher Henley lost both syllables in a tragic name truncation accident.
Solo Turner (LB, Fr.) - this is somehow the single saddest way to describe auto-eroticism. A few other favorites include: five knuckle shuffle, wringing the Texas Tech bell, bible thumping-and-pumping, etc.
John Mayers (K, R-Fr.) - Flower Mound, Texas / Marcus HS - He asked his high school sweetheart to prom via text: “Ayy youz body’s iz a wonda landz or whateva, pass me the gabagool.”
Now That’s What I Call Moozik, vol. 11.
Playlists after a tough loss are so much harder to make. It’s emotional. It stings. It’s like when you change your relationship status on Facebook and broadcasting a breakup, and then having to deal with the onslaught of comments from aunts who think they’re doing the right thing by leaving a comment like “You’re a handsome young man and anybody would be LUCKY to have you. Kisses. Also, did you like the sweater we got your brother for his birthday? Christmas is coming up :).”.
But as much as it hurts us fans, it takes a tenfold toll on the players. It was remarkable though wholly unsurprising to see the big fella Malcolm Roach be as candid and as emotional when discussing the jump offsides and into a loss. It will be equally as expected when Malcolm channels that sadness into grown man rage and wreaks havoc in the Baylor Backfield all game. He’ll bounce back. We all will. But right now, it’s still time to cry.
- “What Hurts The Most”, Rascal Flatts - Is being so close.
- “F** You B****” , Wheeler Walker Jr. - You Brock my heart.
That’s all I got right now. Gonna go cry in the shower with a beer.
[Editor’s Note: Y’all check in on Intern Eli]
Intern Eli: Texas wins convincingly, making last week’s blunder all the more depressing. Texas 42, Baylor 27.
VY Pump Fake: I’m not thrilled that I have yet another streaming service I am now subscribed to, but I can’t lie the timing of Baby Yoda’s introduction to the world and the ISU loss was absolutely kismet. Feeling warm and fuzzy, Texas by 10.
Kyle Carpenter: I don’t know how we’ve gone 8 BU Pregamers without discussing the Longhorn Bull and Bear Market implications of this rivalry. In short, Bull (Texas) is good. When it is a bull market, everyone is happy. The only people happy with a Bear market are rich people trying to get richer by being predators...
Texas is, actual good tweeting Donald.
Who's partying in Waco Texas tonight?— Donald Faison (@donald_faison) April 14, 2012