The sweet relief of apathy slowly cascades over your senses, like a friend welcoming you home after a journey fraught with a 10-win season and a bowl of Sugar. Feel it, as it courses through your veins. Embrace it, become it. It is your destiny, Longhorn Fan.
Welcome back to the Texas Pregamer! You may remember us from such 5+ loss seasons as 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017, and now...2019. As it is the week of Thanks, let us briefly express our gratitude for 2012 and 2018, our two beautiful seasons where we reached the pinnacle of Texas Pregamer era Longhorn football (only 4 losses). Thank you, pre-concussion David Ash & 16 TD Joe Bergeron.
Where are the cries of ‘we are a Basketball school’ or ‘we are a Volleyball school’ or ‘we are an A Capella school’? They’re right behind the dark net tweets for Urban Meyer or Art Briles. This is what happens when UT has the same record as East of the Mississippi UT. The Mensameter of Rhule v Herman has not been kind over three seasons as the Bears look to challenge OU for Big 12 supremacy and the only person the Horns are pleasantly surprising is the Sr. Director of the Camping World Bowl. But as the twittersphere is saturated with coordinator suggestions, Ricky Gervais for Offensive Coordinator and a Snowflake for DC (Pawpaw says they get defensive about everything), it’s time to press pause and remind everyone we still have two games left to play.
The game on Friday will ultimately dictate where we land between the Liberty, Texas, Alamo, and Camping World Bowls. Will it be a classic rematch with the Karen Krusaders out of College Station? Only time, and an 11am kickoff with the Texas Tech Raiders will tell. Yes, the Texas Tech Red Raiders led by Matt Wells, who you all definitely are familiar with. Matt Wells, pictured below, is a dynamic offensive mind cut from the same cloth as many former Texas Tech coaches.
You have to admit, the resemblance to recently departed Kliff Kingsubry is simply uncanny. The Red Raiders have spent many years trying to recapture that perfect formula that brought them pirate glory and yet still appease the alleged hooker killer of Dallas. Red and black faithful can only hope that this time they’ve got it right and that they won’t be left looking off wistfully toward the horizon for that something they just can’t put their finger on.
Luckily for Texas, with our 5 losses we have lured our prey into a false sense of security. Even our esteemed AD is in on the scheme, posting pictures of himself in ‘recovery’ from ‘bicep/rotator cuff surgery’. The rope-a-dope is real and it’s time to take it to the Tortilla Technicals, the dopiest of them all.
For those of you still reeling from the harsh realities of the football world, let us lay your sweet summer child head down to sleep with a story called the US swimming and diving program. In comparison, Tech straight up DOES NOT have a swim team, having done away with it following the 1986 season. That year, Texas captured it’s 7th straight SWC swimming and diving championship. The conference title dominance continues to this day, as UT men’s swimming and diving program has won EVERY conference championship it’s participated in since 1980. That’s 40 in a row, folks. (This swimming and diving correspondence is brought to you by Intern Eli. Intern Eli once interviewed head coach Eddie Reese, and afterward Reese told him he did a good job. Intern Eli has mentioned this on multiple occasions to the Pregamer staff. We were, and remain, wholly unimpressed.)
Football can be a cruel mistress, my friends. But the pain of losing does bring with it a clarity of mind. It weeds out the weak and the bandwagon riders. Left in their wake are us, the True Believers. Already emotionally wrecked ourselves, we have rendered the Red Raider rally cry toothless. Strap up your boots and tune in Friday as our boys fight to the end. Take pride in the fact that seniors like Duvernay, Jones, and Johnson aren’t even considering sitting out the bowl game. Grab a beer and enjoy football while we still have it, freed of the shackles of expectation. The Pregamer way.
At this time of national thanksgiving, it’s important to add a theme-relevant section to any published article. So here are some of our annual thankings as we pay special due to those things we hold dear to our heart:
- Historical gems, like this one - where in 1997, Tech’s best ever RB and and a linemen combined for a 0.00 GPA.
- Or this one, where Tech lost their accreditation (probation) for, and I quote, “failing to show that its curriculum met college-level competencies.” (this will get referenced every year)
- Our US-backed lord and turkey savior, Hokie bird.
- The turkey that pairs best with late season, 5 loss bowl aspirations.
- Benjamin Franklin’s commentary that ‘though a little vain and silly’, the Turkey would make a better national bird than the bald eagle.
- The poor souls with news notifications set for the country of Turkey, having to dismiss turkey pardons and not just the usual bowling championships
Better Know A Roster
Before we dive into the Red Raider players, who, through some combination of unfortunate life events ended up in Texas’ high plains, we need to take a look at the men shaping them.
Caymen Ancell (Asst. Equipment Manager), Mark Tommerdahl (AHC/OL), David Yost (OC): This is what Coach Wells brought with him from Logan, Utah:
- an offshore accountant/incel
- a guy who plays upright bass in Lubbock’s only jazz bar (Utah Jazz, amirite)
- and coach David Yost who literally has never not looked as stoned as Spicoli or like Sam Sheepdog or Mitch Hedberg reincarnate, or Hansel from Zoolander, or Woody Harrelson’s Haymitch Abernathy from Hunger Games. But all of those characters after smoking a giant joint.
On to the players:
Maverick McIvor (QB, Fr.) - A Top Gun secret agent who can get out of any jam? Sign me up!
Jett Duffey (QB, Jr.), Jett Whitfield (DB, Fr.) - People named Jett can be a martial artist (Li), Famous (Jackson, RIP), a basketball player (Smith, Kenny “The”), or a football team (The New York Football). In none of those cases can you be a football player for a team with no Big 12 conference titles.
Jax Welch (RB, Jr.), Dax Neece (WR, R-Fr.) - There are 3 Daxs and 3 Jaxs in all of college football. Texas Tech is the only team douchey enough to have one of each. I also don’t know if there’s a more punchable face in the country than Dax Neece.
Dequanteous Watts (DB, Fr.) - I am Justin Tucker-levels of confident that this was a name from the Key & Peele football sketch.
SaRodorick Thompson (RB, R-Fr.) - SaRodorick of House Thompson was a 3* RB out of Ranchview high school. Ser Rodrik of House Cassel is basically the defensive coordinator of the North. Point, The North.
Riko Jeffers (LB, Jr.) - another example that punctuation matters? Riko Jeffers sounds like an ‘operating just outside the reach of the law’ Wesley Snipes character from the 90s. Rik O’Jeffers sounds like he served in the Parks department for some small Masshole town.
Armand Shyne (RB, Sr.) - Together with his brother Armand Hammer they’ve completely locked down the cleaning product game.
Trey Wolff (PK, R-Fr.) - Did you know you can now get the ‘Trey Wolves Howling at the Moon,’ in a tacky Christmas sweater? Capitalism, just win baby!
Malik Essilfie (DL, Sr.) - A native spanish speaker trying to tell Malik to take “eselfie.”
Blu Caylor (LB, Fr.) - The Stephenville product was given the Christian name “Gunner,” but goes by Blu, presumably for the color of his balls after being given the Chrisitan name “Gunner.”
Zackery Semrak (DL, So.), Eli Howard (DL, Jr.) - I honestly don’t know what to say at this point. Top Knot-ch work here instilling culture by Kliff.
Dalton Rigdon (WR, So.), Chance Cover (LB, Fr.), Cole Boyd - Jesus Christ there is a lot of hate flowing through me looking at these faces. The only thing I know is that a Chance Cover of the -10 spread for the Horns seems a lot more likely knowing this turd-nuggets and their gauged ears and ramen-noodle-hair are on the team.
Now That’s What I Call Moozik, Vol. 12
Tech’s notable alumni wiki reads more like a Who’s Who of Texas Country and Red Dirt icons. It sucks. I want to be able to discredit everything about that school, but alas, I cannot. Here’s 10 songs from the best/only good thing to come out of Lubbock: Music.
- “That’ll Be The Day”, Buddy Holly - Not officially a Tech alumnus, but Buddy Holly is a favorite son of the LBK. Imagine Tom Herman setting aside his ego long enough to let his boys cook instead of headbutting them. That’ll be the day.
- “All of a Sudden”, Josh Abbott Band - The rate at which title game hopes went from likely to laughable.
- “Leaving, On a Jet Plane”, John Denver - John Denver made an appearance on the West Virginia playlist for obvious reasons. But JD tha gawd actually attended Tech for a bit. Staff rearrangements after the season will make this song extra sad.
- “Drinking Money”, Randy Rogers Band - Thankful for drinking money, sad that this team’s made me need it. (two RRB members went to Tech, but Randy himself went to Southwest Texas.)
- “You Ain’t Got Me”, Wade Bowen - Tom had me. He really did. I wanted to believe that the more hydrated the team was, the better they’d perform. I bought in. But I’m about ready to cash out.
- “Carry On”, Pat Green - The opening lick goes so hard. It’s boosted my mood and I hope it boosts yours.
- “Beat of Your Heart”, Cory Morrow - Cory’s an absolute legend in the game and I am thankful to get to include him in this playlist.
- “There’s Your Trouble”, Dixie Chicks - Where isn’t our trouble.
- “Traveler’s Song”, Flatland Cavalry - The new generation of Texas Country is in good hands with Flatland Cavalry.
- “My Texas”, Josh Abbott Band, Pat Green- The ten year challenge floating around social media reminded me that MY Texas peaked 10 years ago and we’ll always have that.
Intern Eli: Texas mashes some taters. Enough to win. Enough to make you feel like you want seconds for this season. But you’re done. Walk away from the table, take a walk outside, and remember to be thankful for something other than Football. It will always hurt you.
VY Pump Fake: Be careful not to eat so much turkey that you triptophan yourself through Friday and into bowl season. You don’t want to miss us struggle to score in the first half, and get called for back breaking penalties in the second half. Cynicism aside, Texas bounces back with a convincing 3 point victory.
Kyle Carpenter: This is Tech’s bowl game (because one of those ‘5-wins but Academics gets you an invite anyways’ aint walking through that door) and Tech hasn’t won one of those since 2013. Texas by a spendthrift 2 scores!
These are my two favorite programs from yesteryear: