Ahhhh, breathe deep that crisp Texas fall air. Feel a chill run down your spine as you think about temperatures settling into the high double-digits and the Pumpkin Spice Latte returning. No, that tingle isn’t a dormant spider-sense, snapping back into existence. Yes, it is probably heat stroke. Most importantly though, it also means it’s time for some football!
Whence we last met, there was still optimism that Benioff & Weiss could land a billion dollar jet of a series, still doubt over whether Texas was BACK, and half of the Avengers were still dead (we all TOTALLY believed that would stay that way). It was so long ago, Chick Fil A was the undisputed chicken sandwich king, Notre Dame had a roof (the cathedral, you rubes), and until recently Texas’ 2020 recruiting class ranked behind (trigger warning) the Kansas ‘we can now make grass-eating jokes’ Jayhawks.
In the incredible hot girl summer and offseason since, we have seen:
- A player commit to USC—then hardship portal transfer to Texas for approximately 2.3 Scaramuccis—then portal transfer back (gotta be honest, between Avengers & Bru, portals are staking their claim as the offseason MVP), robbing lazy commentators of a potential McCoy/Jordan (Whittington) roommate situation.
- One of the largest bribery scandals in the history of collegiate athletics unearthed, sending Aunt Becky from Full House to the Big House while ironically bringing Texas yet another National Championship. Talk about failing upwards, aka “the Kingsbury”.
- “Milroe” somehow replace (and recruit) “errrrrrrrrrrrbody,” ushering in “Happy Bijan-ukkah” and the Boys of Summer (about 20 of ‘em).
- College football turn 150 years old, but more importantly the Texas Pregamer turn 8. Eight years old = a third grade reading level? ...Sigh, it tracks.
- Stanford coach David Shaw turn out to be, in fact, not a robot. But per the data, apparently a white woman?
- Tathan “Ass My Dude” Martell transfer to Miami, only to lose the starting QB battle and potentially switch positions to WR. This after his own “word of advice: don’t swing and miss…especially not your second time.”
- Baker Mayfield reminded everyone that he’s that guy who will be in his 40s and wearing his high school letterman’s jacket everywhere, because Westlake sux!
Alright - let’s get down to business, folks. After back-to-back years of opening duds against Maryland, Longhorn fans are hungry for a blowout. We are salivating at the mouth, bloodlust in our eyes - we are that quiet guy at your office (yeah, that guy) on lunch break, pulling up to the Popeye’s drive through, just daring them to tell him they are sold out of chicken sammies. The unfortunate target, locked in our sights? The Louisiana Tech Bulldogs, a mascot Bevo knows exactly how to handle. To acclimate you a level further than mascot recognition, let’s take a look at the LA Tech coaching staff; ye molders of men. It’s clear that LA Tech believes in the gentile-ideal of landed gentry and the Kushner school of nepotism in their head coach hiring decisions:
- Derek Dooly (2007-2009), son of UGA’s legendary Vince Dooley
- Sonny Dykes (2010-2012), son of Texas Tech’s program-defining coach Spike Dykes
- Skip Holtz (2013-Present), son of Lou Holtz (not a great sign when your father’s accomplishments lead off the second paragraph of your wikipedia page)
It’s important to note though, LA the state is on a bit of a hot streak. The first legal medical marijuana will soon hit pharmacy shelves. Their little league team just won the world series. I only had to hit next 3 times on google news “Louisiana” before I found something that didn’t include gun violence or flood damage. Things are looking up!
Still, the Texas Longhorns will take the field as the undoubtedly more talented team on Saturday. As such, there should be a healthy swagger entering DKR - something akin to this guy’s attitude toward sleeves. With experience behind center, a coach with just the right amount of crazy in the eyes, and of course the fourth estate BOMC in our back pocket, I’d say things are looking up. As they say in Louisiana, laissez les bon temps rouler.
Let the good times roll & Hook ‘em.
Better Know a Roster
Carter Habich (OL, So.) - Is Desmond Howard gonna have to choke Habich?
Jaiden Cole (S, R-So.) - Side note: I’ve always thought J. Cole should pitch to do adverts for J.Crew since both are things everyone knows but find their major demographic base with upper-middle class white women.
Amik Robertson (CB, Jr.) - Without 23 & Me, it’ll be nearly impossible to prove if the Bulldogs’ best player and Bednarik Award Watch List CB is kin to the Duck Dynasty clan of Robertsons.
Bailey Hale (K, R-Sr.) - I bet you thought we would go with one of our patented “didn’t she turn me down when I asked her to be my OU date Jr. year” jokes? Nope. We are honing in on the fact that the kid from Iowa Park, Texas has a name that is effectively pig latin for “Bale of Hay”.
Praise Okorie (WR, Jr.) Praise O’Cory sounds like the weirdest Irish Cult chant. (It’s not like O’Cory is some elite HS recruit who is also a recruiter. Praise Milroe)
Smoke Harris (WR, R-Fr.) - Smoke is 5’6 and looks like he is playing dress up in his uncle’s suit, but he also looks like your friends’ Jr. High-aged little brother who will break your ankles and make you look foolish. And his name is SMOKE. So I’m leaving Smoke the hell alone.
Also: Smoke can do this to people:
West feliciana's Davon "Smoke" Harris with a nice move in the cat and mouse drill pic.twitter.com/G4GRct7tUZ— Amos Morale III (@Amos_MoraleIII) March 19, 2017
Zach Hannibal (CB, R-Jr.) - Rumor had it he ate a poor slot receiver’s lunch with some fava beans and a nice chianti. But seeing as he’s from central Louisiana, it was probably misreported. He most likely ate it on a Monday with RED BEANS (and rice).
Westin Elliott (QB, R-Jr.) This kid from Blinn and Shallowater, TX was absolutely a character in a Red Dead Redemption game. And the only way that I’ll accept that he wasn’t is if you show me photographic-evidence that he spent that time on the Nascar Xfinity Series as an amateur teen driving prodigy. Only possible options
Christian Archangel (CB, Fr.) - The rebirth and rebranding of evangelical Criss Angel may just be his greatest trick yet. Mind freaked yet?
Kollin Hurt (S, R-So.) - This is next level stay-at-home chicanery. Anyone can Kollin Sick by WebMDing symptoms for Legionnaires’ disease that they picked up in the hot tub at their cousin’s wedding -- it’s an entirely larger flex to Kollin Hurt for two weeks after “throwing out your back” volunteering with the Gilmer youth ministry.
Isaiah Windmon (LB, R-Fr.) - Allegedly has aspirations to open a turbine farm off the coast of Jamaica once he hangs it up. We are here for a sustainable future reliant upon Wind, mon.
Bee Jay Williamson (S, R-Fr.) Cee Jay Powell (WR, R-Jr.) - Do you know the difference between an acronym and an initialism? An acronym is a word that is a collection of letters that becomes its own pronounceable word (think NASA, OPEC, LASER). An initialism is a group of letters that are each pronounced as their own individual letter (i.e. NFL, CIA, PR). This is a very common grammar mistake and are words that are often misused or used interchangeably in a way that is incorrect.
So I guess these parents just said screw it [Jordan shrug].
Jaqwis Dancy (RB, R-Sr.) - This name just feels fancy. “Jaqwis Dancy, you so fancy.”
Better Know a Bradshaw
- You may’ve heard that Terry Bradshaw backed up Duck Dynasty’s Phil Robertson. Robertson choose to forego his senior year, handing the reins to the hotshot Sophomore. As Robertson put it: “I’m going for the ducks, you can go for the bucks.”
- He starred next to McConaughey in 2006’s smash hit RomCom Failure to Launch. It was from this film that the epic story of the P*nis sock comes:
- “Alright, you’re not naked, but you got to wear a penis sock. And the funny thing about a penis sock is the wardrobe people, they don’t know how big your penis is. And so they lay out what they think are three options: small, medium and large is the best I can figure it. And when I walked into my bed room, my trailer, and I went, “Oh my God, none of those will fit!” [Laughs] Meaning they’re too big! [Laughs] And then I got to thinking: those girls are going to run in there and see which one I got. So I wasn’t going to take the little one because I really needed extra small. So I took the medium one and I shot this scene, and I’d rather have been naked than wear that thing. “
- He continues “So I go back and I’ve got myself back, you know, natural, and I put on boxer shorts and my robe and go back to shoot McConaughey’s scene. So the director comes over and we shoot the scene and I’ve just got boxers on and Matthew says to the director, Tom Day, “I just didn’t get quite the feeling with Terry in his boxers. Can he go back and put on the penis sock?” I said, “I’m not putting that thing on. You just tell McConaughey not to worry. When the camera rolls, I’ll make sure he gets…” So, they roll the camera and I just reached down and whipped everything out and said, “Here you are, big guy.” And that was the shot! [Laughs] And if you ever see the movie, watch his face. He’s doing everything he can not to just bust out laughing.”
- He’s an...interesting dancer, described by a female colleague as wearing “Fur-ragamo.”
- At Super Bowl XIII in Miami, Dallas Cowboys LB Hollywood Henderson summed him up best saying he “could not spell “cat” if you spotted him the “C” and the “A.”
- The above may explain the interesting choice he made to take shots at QB1. So as a result, in the inimitable stylings of 2008 smash hit “Lookin Boy” by Hotstylz ft. Yung Joc, we provide you with:
Terry Bradshaw, Lookin Boy:
- Suspenders holding on for dear life Lookin’ Boy
- Got out of the shower and wrapped yourself in the curtain Lookin’ Boy
- Santa’s degenerate brother, Butch Claus Lookin’ Boy
- Kingpin decided to try to be a Southern Lawyer Lookin’ Boy
- If McConaughey is the Lincoln Lawyer, you’re the Camo Fanboat Lawyer Lookin’ Boy
- Three buttons and four bourbons gone Lookin’ Boy
- Face so ugly your hair only grows in the back Lookin’ Boy
- Hardest working zipper in showbiz Lookin’ Boy
- Suspender straps more uneven than your personality Lookin’ Boy
- Thicc Foghorn Leghorn Lookin’ Boy
- “Son, I say Son...I never understood why players would want to go and stack up, like Texas.” “One year, they signed three 5A quarterbacks. Two are now gone, and one is playing, and he ain’t that good” Lookin’ Boy
Now! That’s What I Call Moo-zik -- Vol. 1
Hey, my name’s Eli. I’m new to The Pregamer. My hope for this weekly playlist is to get you, our dear readers, auditorily ready for the game at hand. Let’s dive in.
- “Lights of Louisiana”, Terry Bradshaw. No, this is not a singer who happens to have the same name as a red-faced former LaTech star QB. It’s Mr. Pittsburgh himself. Following his flat out disrespectful comments towards the Ehlingod, I considered not including Bradshaw’s music at all. But after listening to this song a few more times, I couldn’t help but think how the world might be different (better?) if Terry had decided to trade in shoulder pads for rhinestone chaps and embrace a career as a Glen Campbell wannabe. I hate to admit it, but Terry can sing.
- “Lost and Found”, Brooks & Dunn. Kix Brooks, the electric showman of the greatest duet in country music history, was often overshadowed by his more stoic counterpart, Ronnie Dunn. But the Ruston, Louisiana native delivered front man chops when he got the shot. In a record-breaking, hugely successful career, Lost & Found can’t be called a deep cut (it peaked at number 6 in 1991, which, same), but it can be called an utter jam of love lost... and never found.
- “I Got My Game On”, Trace Adkins. The 6’6”, deep-drawled country singer once enjoyed a brief career as a walk-on offensive lineman at Louisiana Tech. He certainly had the frame, but lucky for us all, he found his calling making iconic country bangers. “I Got My Game On” was piped into DKR during the intro video for our precious, dearly departed Bevo XIV. It was a sight to be seen, and much hype was had.
- “Papa Don’t Preach”, Madonna. Look. We’re facing the son of a legend this week. Skip Holtz is going to lead a team to success someday, just like his dad Lou did with Notre Dame (maybe you’ve heard the Good Dr. mention that?). It might be Louisiana Tech, it might not be. But it’ll make us all damn happy when we see it. To quote the Skip-er, “You wanna be happy for a lifetime, win the damn championship.”
- “First Date”, Blink 182. The first game of a new season. The lights shine brighter than you’d ever imagined, the Gatorade hits different. There’s a romance in the air. It’s going to be a good season, and we’ve got unbridled optimism right now. Let’s make this last forever.
- “7 & 7”, Turnpike Troubadours. A result that would’ve actually been above average in the days of Coach Strong. That is a bygone era and precisely where this Texas team won’t finish.
- “The Middle”, Jimmy Eat World. Big shouts to Jake Smith and Brayden Liebrock for keeping the AZ to ATX pipeline open. Welcome to Texas, fellas.
- “Why Georgia”, John Mayer. Because quarter life crises are no joke. Just like last year’s Sugar Bowl was a harbinger of the dominance to come from the boys in Burnt Orange.
- “Heart Skipped A Beat”, The XX. After back-to-back season-opening dops to Maryland, let’s hope we’re not subjected to any arrhythmic cardiary issues this Saturday.
- “Return of the Mack”, Mark Morrison. Admittedly, not directly related to our team anymore. But if this song doesn’t play when UNC lights their Carolina Blue, then none of this matters.
Kyle Carpenter - Handsome failure Bob Diaco is the defensive coordinator for the Bulldogs, and he started the Civil ConFLiCT rivalry game (and doesn’t need a rival’s approval for a rivalry). All of that sounds quite Aggy, and we lead that series 762 - 366...so let’s divide by ten and say Horns win, 76 - 36.
VY Pump Fake - Texas wins by 24, or as the Oklahoma department of propaganda will spin it, “Texas wins by 3.6 roentgen, not great, not terrible.”
EPerezATX- If we’re gonna be “back”, we gotta start roasting teams by at least 30. I like a Roschon gadget play to get some points out of a now sneaky dangerous Wildhorn formation. Minimize Sam’s rushes to keep his legs fresh, air the ball out to keep his arm warm for the big cats next week. Texas 54, LaTech 13.
Thanks to friend of the Program Zak Kinnard
Parting Shot Deux
La Tech once lost 87 yards in a play, that’s gotta be some kind of record