Week 4 welcomes the Catheter Cowboys to Austin, traipsing south from Stillwater in 4x4s drinking Route 44s of Mountain Dew Code Red and not a single Buccee’s stop required. The Pokes, much like their namesake Facebook action, bring an uncomfortable feeling of dread and insecurity wherever they appear. The Longhorns have dropped the last 4 games to ‘Okie Lite’ and haven’t won the matchup in Austin since 2008! Jordan Shipley was still on the team then — now he’s heading up our WR farm system:
Surprise!!! Baby Shipley expected the first week of April! pic.twitter.com/fy6WrgPSBu— Sunny Leigh Shipley (@SunnyShipley) September 19, 2019
Pretty incredible that Ship will crack the code of time travel just to send his offspring back in time under the name ‘Jake Smith.’ Who knew Melk could double both virility AND IQ?
As the Cowpokes saunter into Austin, we would be remiss not to mention the biggest swinging dick of them all: T. Boone Pickens. All old T-Bone ever wanted in life was a natty for the Pokes, which if we’re strictly speaking stadium-ly, OSU did achieve back when he was 17 (realized in 2017).
To say nothing of stealing from the troops -- honestly, $600 million per championship is about the going SEC rate.
Boone had some legendary hits in his day. After the aggies cut his basketball scholarship of $25 dollars a month, he took his future Billions — and a Texas-sized grudge to Oklahoma A&M. His generosity to his alma mater is well documented, but T. Boon Petty basically gave money to anyone not named Texas a&m: Medical schools in the Texas System (UT Southwestern & MD Anderson), money to get the Tech the second vet school in the state (hmm...wonder who had the first)...petty money is good money.
He spread his grudges around, from Drizzy to Sports Illustrated.
So RIP to the raider king, lazy corporations can rest a little easier.
Now how about Okie State? With their Inuit Joseph’s eatery and Hideaway pizza. Gundy, we all have to admit, has established a winning formula at OSU - and sure has had Texas’ number. That said, we can’t write respectful things here so we must drop the brow a few notches and leave that business in the front and get to the party in the back. Led by redshirt freshman Sanders behind center — the Colonel if you will — the Pokes have mounted offensive performances par the top of the league. Look out Popeye’s. Mr. 11 Herbs and Spices benefits from handing off to one of the best backs in the business, and our gracious sponsor this week: Hubba Bubba Chuba Hubbard.
At the end of the day we all hope for one thing — a clean, fair game that showcases the best of both teams and ends with Texas winning by 4 touchdowns. May the ghost of Alan Eck remain locked in that voodoo doll Del Conte brought with him from Fort Worth. If all goes well, Orlando will turn up the heat and have Colonel Sanders dodging projectiles left and right. Except on 3rd and 17, Todd.
Big 12 season starts this weekend, let’s break the curse of the Poke-tergeist.
Better Know a Roster
Micah Cooper (RB, R-Jr.) - This poor guy looks like Roger who used to get roasted by Tia and Tamara for 6 seasons of Sister-Sister. “GO HOME ROGER”
3 Truths and a Lie - If I gave you a list of the 3 kids from Home Improvement and one Senior safety from OSU, could you tell me which one didn’t live next store to the top half of Wilson Wilson Jr.’s face: Jonathan Taylor Thomas, Sean Michael Flanagan, Taran Noah Smith, Zachary Ty Bryan?
Ry Schneider (OL, R-Jr.), Truett Knox (OL, R-Fr.), Cole Goodnight (WR, Fr.), David Thibodeaux-Benoit (S, R-Fr.) - Okie Lite has an NCAA rodeo team. They also have about a half-dozen players every year who sound like they could be the next Ty Murray, J.B. Mauney, or Cash from those 5 Friday Night Lights episodes.
Samuela Tuihalamaka (DT, R-Fr.) - I don’t want anyone to get tackled by this guy but I really wanna hear his name pronounced so could he maybe just do karaoke in the locker room during halftime or something? Mele Tuihalamaka is Hawaii’s way to say “redneck”
Isreal Isuman-Hundley (DE, Fr.) - “True Freshman” ;) “Is real” ;) “Is human” ;) Pshh...This guy is a man, he’s 40. (Looks old enough to play the opposition on Friday Night Lights)
Bryce Bray (OL, R-Fr.) Bixby, OK, Bryce Balous (CB, R-Sr.) - If either of these can prove a middle name of Billy, they could sign for the fledgling Big Baller Brand. Maybe Mr. Bray being from Bixby, OK will suffice?
Grayson Boomer (CW, Fr.) - This must really break the cavern where Barry Switzer’s heart would be. A Boomer playing in prison orange instead of a thief’s crimson.
Jacob Morris (WR, R-Fr.) - This poor kid is equal parts Craig the Spartan Spirit Leader and every girl’s BEST friend at church camp.
Landon Wolf (WR, R-Jr.) Here’s to hoping that Landon meets the “Wolf of DKR.”
Xavier Player (CB, Fr.) - From Caden’s native Steele HS in Cibolo, the freshman sounds like an autoregen glitch many years into a career mode “X. Player.”
Dillon Stoner (WR, R-Jr.) - Bloodshot eyes. Full Pipes. Can’t lose.
Calvin Bundage (LB, Sr.), Gabe Lemons (CB, R-Fr.) - We have made S&M jokes for 3 consecutive years for the senior, but not this year! No this year, we’re more in the mood for a Lemons party.
Mike Scott (DE, R-Sr.), Shaun Taylor (QB, R-Fr.), Jason Taylor II (S, R-Fr.) - Which looks the least like their more famously named counterpart?
Better Know a Haircut
The obvious choice here is to make a mullet joke, and so...we will:
- Level One: This level is all about getting the sheen and gerth that is essential to the Camaro Crash Helmet. This is early days — this is the stage for dreamers. Product is essential at this level.
- Level Two: You’re now getting past the beginner stages of just wanting it, and getting into the doin’ — into the groomin’. This is where you visualize and attack, you carpe diem your dreams and follicles and take the first step to making the Snake Plissken a reality.
- Level Twenty-Five: This is serious stuff here, folks. Notice the trailer park undercut in Sector 7 and the accumulation of mud and debris in Sector 13. This is a true Stillwater Sweatsaver.
Level: 100. This is where you just get to rub it in people’s face. This is glorious. This level was thought to be extinct by 1995, but nay, it is alive and well in the plains of Oklahoma. This natural Davy Crockett will make people stop and take notice.
Level 9000!: Meet Wazzou’s Liam Ryan, a human incarnation of Mike Leach’s create-a-character from NCAA 14. The creativity is exquisite, the detail immaculate, the execution peerless. This is a world-class helmet cape.
But we’re not just going to stop at the low hanging perm. Now, we are proud to introduce for the first time, a true Oklahoma original. The “OIL DERRICK!” (ironically no player on this team named Derek or Derrick etc).
Barber: What’ll it be
Cowpoke: Let me get that thing that makes this state viable for something other than Air Force Bomb testing - the Oil Derrick
Barber: Say no more fam
Now! That’s What I Call Moo-zik -- Vol. 4
- “Live Forever”, Billy Joe Shaver: Like Billy Joe, T. Boone Pickens will live forever. We’ll miss the swaggiest nonagenarian north of the Red River (until next August when the homie Warren B joins the club!), but are grateful for his many and generous contributions to the State and University of Texas. Go cross that river, Tommy. We’ll see you on the other side.
- “Cowboys from Hell”, Pantera: Unless... ZOMBIE PICKENS! Look, have we confirmed the Red River is so called because of the hue in silt it deposits and NOT because it is the gateway to eternal damnation, that once you return from you wander the Earth in a non-living, undead state ?? I know it sounds crazy but IF it were to happen THEN a billionaire oil tycoon playboy would 1000% ride the plains forever as a Cowboy from Hell and maybe Pantera was warning us, idk.
- “Take Care”, Drake, Rihanna: Drizzy tried to let us know that that first milli is the hardest. Then T. Boone Tha Gawd (which, sidebar, not a terrible MC name) had to remind him what that three comma life is all about. Man, T. Boone didn’t have to go that hard on Aubrey.
- “Somewhere Down in Texas”, Jason Boland and The Stragglers: Red Dirt Country has the unique and powerful ability to reach across the river to unite Texas and Oklahoma under the banner of the greatest subgenre in country music. Jason Boland and his Stragglers are notable OSU grads and icons in the game. I’ll take any excuse to throw on some Red Dirt and throw back a Shiner Bock bottle or two. Cheers, boys.
- “Some Bodies Gonna Get It”, Three 6 Mafia (Mark Henry ring music): Oklahoma State is an absolute wrestling powerhouse. Don Frye, Randy Couture, and of course Daniel Cormier are just a few of the singlet slammers who turned Stillwater into a juggernaut in the sport. But we got our own wrestling legend by way of THE WORLD’S STRONGEST MAN. Oh, y’all thought it was gonna stay amateur? Welcome to the pro jungle, baby. This is a wrestling column now. (Editor’s note: it is not.) Mark Henry had grown-man strength at concepcion. Mark Henry can fold a frying pan with his bare hands. Mark Henry once fathered a hand. And he’s a huge Texas fan. And if that wasn’t good enough, we got The Undertaker and Dustin Rhodes repping the right shade of orange. That’s a 3-on-3 I’d pay to see any day.
- “Steal Away”, Robbie Dupree: Lol Doug Gottlieb is a joke and the only reason he has assist records at Okie State is because he had a criminal record at Notre Dame. The only Doug I stan is Funnie and he ain’t it, chief.
- “Cowboy Take Me Away”, Dixie Chicks: Alright everyone sing along to the tune. “He’s a man who was 40. Wanna hop in to his car and be his shorty. Take me to Eskimo Joe’s, get a milkshake and some crunchy french fries. Crunchy French Friiiiiies.”
- “Hey Jealousy”, Gin Blossoms: Another home game, another lituation on the 40 Acres for Longhorn City Limits. Drew Fish Band opening for Gin Blossoms is a combo I didn’t know I needed but that should be one helluva fun show.
- “Any Man of Mine”, Shania Twain: That mullet. That singlet. Shania was so clearly talking about Mike Gundy in this track as her ideal dude.
- “Womanizer”, Britney Spears: This was the number one song in the country the last time Texas beat Oklahoma State in Austin way back in 2008. Right now? It’s Lizzo’s “Truth Hurts”. Texas might just be back to being a big dog in the conference, but it won’t mean a thing if we don’t get it going this weekend. There’s your truth.
Intern Eli: Top rusher and receiver in the country versus a somewhat depleted defense? Yeah, I think Roschon and Jake should feast, why do you ask? Texas 45, Oklahoma State 31.
VY Pump Fake: The silent assassin, Ehlinger, continues his under the radar season with a wink and a smile. Texas by 2 Gundy Mullets.
Kyle Carpenter: Coach Gundy has a kid. No surprise: he’s a man, he’s 52. Kid is a QB. Kid is 1000%, no lie named Gunnar Gundy. Now while we wish the best for him at OSU, simply for BKAR purposes, Gundy still had to answer how he’d coach him if he commits.
“I told him, if you come to Oklahoma State, I’ll coach you like I do everybody else… If you’re the best player, you’ll play. If not, you won’t play — even though I’m sleeping with your mom.”
So...Texas wins a shootout scoring 69.
To Gundy’s credit, he admitted he’s never had issues with the visitor locker room. When asked if he was bringing precautionary fans, he simply replied “we don’t have room on the truck.”