Confidently striding into game 3, the Texas Longhorns try their damnedest to resist the urge to turn around and look at the massive explosion trailing in their wake. After narrowly avoiding the first heartbreak in Lubbock since 2008, Texas gets to embrace the eternal sunshine of the 1-0 mind, memories of a potential early season derailment spotlessly erased, Agent K neuralyzer-style.
What every Texas fanboy and fangirl won’t let you erase from your memory though, is the epic — nay, prophetic — shot-called, back-to-back-to-back Touchdown drives by QB1 to seal the win. Tom Herman gave us an incredible nugget about Sam: “Our quarterback looked at me and he said ‘They left us too much time. We’re gonna tie this thing and win it in overtime’ and I believed him. Shoot, if Sam Ehlinger was trying to sell me oceanfront property in Arizona I’d probably write him a check... And he was right.”
Look, we all know the tune by George Strait. The album with the same name was the 1st to EVER debut at #1 on the Billboard country charts. But why bring this up now? Am I trying to tell you that Sam will be drafted #1 in the NFL? No, I mostly doubt that will happen, but there are parallels to be drawn between the handsome gents.
Ok, so I’m trying to tell you that Sam has no NFL future and will be the next in a distinguished line of Texas QBs to be real estate moguls? No, not necessarily that either. But I would argue that whoever brokered the most famous piece of real estate in Arizona probably made as much as any rookie signing bonus.
Am I trying to say that property values must be cheap in the border town of Lukeville, Arizona only an hour from the ocean? Maybe, and if you’re playing the long game, the entirety of the less famous of the US land purchases (the Gadsen Purchase) may actually be oceanfront property by 2060.
Am I trying to tell you that album also featured “All My Exes Live in Texas” in order to get you to think of the Aggies who snuck by the worst team on their schedule by 2-points and play an Alabama team that is as mad as murder hornets that Covid tried to steal the only tolerable part of that god-forsaken state? I just might be.
Luckily for Texas, we still have a current-flame rival in Norman who was nice enough to shield us from the brunt of the “Big XII is overrated” pitchfork parades. Now having lost back-to-back to KSU, it’s hard not to sympathize with the premature expansionists at least a little, having had our fair share of purple-tinted punishment from the very same Wildcats in years past. However, we would be remiss to spend too much relishing in their annual early season loss (a Sooner tradition) knowing our own purple curse comes to roost this Saturday.
Texas has lost 5 of the last 6 against the Horned frogs and 75% of all matchups since they joined the Big XII. Basically, we went from losing 5 straight to KSU right into losing 6 of 8 against TCU. It doesn’t matter how many shirts Gary Patterson has to change or spells Snyder wove, the real enemy here is clearly the tail end of Sir Roy G. BIV. Like moths to a flame or Nic Cage to, well, literally any movie premise, Texas has been drawn to one purple peril or another for well over a decade. Will this be the year we prove the old Sicilian adage wrong? “Never fight a land war in Asia, never try to play Tetris or Jenga against the baggers at Trader Joes, and never play football against a purple team.”
Better Know a Roster
This coaching staff is almost as ridiculous as the regular roster, featuring a troika like this:
Has anyone ever made a “Jerry, F*ck, Kill” joke? Only me? And Rusty Burns sound like something you catch as a long-haul trucker between Lubbock and Ft. Worth.
Anyway, on to the players:
Cade Rosenkranz (WR, R-Fr.) - I can’t wait until he comes across the middle and is met by the Wolf of DKR. If Gus Johnson is the man I think he is — he will hit us with a Shakespearian “Rosenkranz meet Cadensterns!”
Kris Dike (OT, R-So.) - This is my third consecutive year of having to restrain myself from comment...Subaru.
Emari Demercado (RB, Jr.) - Reminds me of a lost love from high school, [sighs and whispers “Ashanti Delbiblioteca”]
Alijah Wood (RB, R-Fr.) - When you buy your Lord of the Rings trilogy from “a guy I know from the gym,” 3 for $5.
Nook Bradford (S, So.) - I may start just sprinkling in fake names each week — in which case you would have no way of knowing if this is a 19 year old or a 3-sport star for TCU in 1919.
Luke Pardee (QB, Fr.) - Aint no Pardee like a Luke Pardee, cuz a Luke Pardee don’t stop!
(This is actually Jack Pardee’s grandson and that man is a TX football legend. So allow me a favorite anecdote/quote: Pardee once asked (Houston Gamblers owner) Jerry Argovitz why he picked the name Gamblers, and Jerry said, ‘I’m a big Kenny Rogers fan, and ‘The Gambler’ is my favorite song,’ Jack replied “I’m glad your favorite song wasn’t ‘Coward of the County.’ ”)
Benedict Brafi (DT, Jr.) - This man looks like he just told you the cringiest dad joke of all time and he could not think of anything possibly funnier.
Dylan Thomas (WR, Sr.) - Do not go gently into that joke. Rage, rage against...
Lex Boucvalt (WR, Fr.) - If you say his name fast it sounds like a diabetes medication. “Serious side effects of LexBoucvalt may include drowsiness, weariness, excessive coach sweats, diarrhea…”
Izaih Filikitonga (DT, So.) - “is a thing to say, on a bright Hawaiian Christmas Day.”
Soni Misi (DT, So.) - My dude took “dress for the job you want” to a weird level. His dad thought something totally different when his son at Texas Christian said he wanted to be “Al Pastor”
Pro Wells (TE, Jr.), Blake Nowell (WR, Fr.) - This would certainly be a more frackin’ watchable debate than the joke of one earlier this week.
Atanza Vongor (S, So.) - undoubtedly a blood-rider for Khal Drogo.
Daimarqua Foster (RB, R-Fr.), George Ellis III (DT, Jr.) - You’re telling me these gentlemen aren’t older than Gary Patterson?
Jamoi Hodge (LB, So.), Stephon Brown (QB, Jr.), Tony Wallace (CB, Jr.) - TCU somehow ended up with 3 guys from the Last Chance U school where the coach got fired for texting a German player “I’m your new Hitler,” then impersonated a lawyer from Johnnie Cochran’s firm to cease-and-desist a local paper about it, and now sells cigars and whiskey called “Slapdick.” So there’s that.
Now! That’s What I Call Moo-zik — Vol. 2.1
First off, I’d just like to say thank you for all the support on last week’s video. “Aggie School Dropout” has been the highlight of my internship thus far, and it’s been so great to see such positive feedback!
Almost to 300 views! Look at that engagement. Can’t wait to show my bosses how much action this got. Holding out hope for that promotion. You only become an Entry-Level Junior Apprentice Associate once.
- “Next Big Thing”, WWE, Jim Johnston: Bijan Lesnar looked good in his shooting star press attempt against Tech. The over rotation in his hips resulted in a slightly more awkward landing than he would have liked, but that technique is teachable. The ambition isn’t. (Major shouts to the WWE title music GOAT, Jim Johnston).
- “Do You Believe In Magic?”, The Lovin’ Spoonful: TCU’s notable alumni page falls short of anyone incredibly notable, much like Coach Patterson’s statue. When TCU alumnus Chris Kline tried to woo Mina Suvari by joining the a cappella group at East Great Falls High, it should have been your first clue that “American Pie” was a complete fantasy, misrepresenting the toils of adolescence. Take it from someone with experience, a cappella does not pull.
- “Game On”, Gary Patterson: Speaking of Gary, if you didn’t know, now you know: He makes terrible country music. On a scale of one to JD and The Straight Shot, this new Gary Patterson tune ranks just ahead of Alexi Lalas’ solo music career. Gary’s approach to country music is unoriginal and tired. It lacks any sort of intrigue, nuance, beauty, and sonic pleasantry. Given the filth that comes out of Nashville, it could probably hit no. 1 on the charts—the first time any Patterson product has done so.
- “Who Gon stop Me”, Jay-Z, Kanye: I miss the old Kanye, but am so glad we have the current Sam. If the utter ridiculousness of Lubbock couldn’t stop Sam last week, what can? He’s somehow still getting snubbed in Heisman polls, and good lord, if he decides to get pissed off about that, he’s gonna go Ultimate Super Saiyan Sam mode. Who’s gonna stop that?
- “Oklahoma Breakdown”, Stoney Larue: Presented without further comment.
Kyle Carpenter: Tell me a single good Purple thing since Prince? Ok, the rise of American understanding of the eggplant via emoji, fine...tell me two! I hate all teams purple, and TCU’s clasp on our nurple has finally come to an end. Texas by 3 Jake Smith TDs.
Intern Eli: Never going to waste an opportunity to talk about how ridiculous it is that Gary Patterson has a trophy of himself on campus as a still-living, fully non-dead being currently coaching their team. Texas 48, TCU 16.
VY Pump Fake: Welcome to the Big12 Chris Ash. Can’t completely fault his defense for not wrapping up in Lubbock — it’s a chronic problem in those parts. That said, the Horns benefit from an eyes wide open escape last week and pull it together against the roaches, Texas 34-24.
I don’t know what part of TikTok I’m on tbh pic.twitter.com/Kt4nxCwHav— Washington Post TikTok Guy (@davejorgenson) September 30, 2020
The Texas offense in the 2nd half...and then the iced coffee hits: