It’s Halloween in Stillwater, the holiest of days for the Pokelahoma heathens; the black and orange color palette a synergy of Gundy’s spray tan and the dark void where the hopes and dreams of 2020 once resided. But fear not, dear souls, for there is still hope. In the annals of yore (ha annals) you will find the last and only time Texas and OSU played in Stillwater on the fateful eve of all the hallows. It was 2009, the last year of supposed destiny for the Longhorns, and the star of the game was not the gun slinging Colt but the four interceptions by defensive backs, including two pick-sixes, a couple of them by both Curtis and Chykie Brown. If we are reading the tea leaves right here, it means at the very least Chris Brown is assured at least 1, maybe 2 turnovers this weekend. If we can even get within spitting distance of the 41-14 final score, the revelry on Zoom may even register a tick of ISP traffic to rival the Fleetwood cowboys.
Ignoring the hauntings of eras bygone, let’s regroup in the present. The Pokes have yet to lose a game and have more talent at the skill positions than the author of the Kama Sutra. Coming into the season, Wallace and Hubbard were arguably the best RB-WR duo in the entire country. While they may not top the statistical charts, as the last undefeated team in the Big 12 that still makes them the apple of Nebraska’s eye.
Oh simpler times:
a man yelled at some people about how old he was https://t.co/8X8jgldir2— Gavin Gundy (@gundy_child) July 8, 2020
Speaking of wistful longing, is it too soon to address the bleach blonde elephant in the room? Maybe easier to do via puns? Ok, we’ll do puns for you. Let’s just talk about the Quindian in the Cupboard. Ewers gotta be kidding me! The Quinn-ipiac poll just came out and former Texas-lean Ewers has been moved to Ohio-lean. If Ohio wins it, gird yourself for a rough 4 more years. That’s right Alexa, fire up my 7th grade breakup mix CD, track 5 “Quinn Playin Games With My Heart”.
In the vein of Halloween it is only fitting to applaud what is starting to seem like the most intricate Halloween shenanigan of all time. Tom Herman, program resurrector, is by the day starting to remind me more and more of the time I dressed up as the “Brownie Man” instead of the Brawny Man. Carrying around a box of Duncan Hines mix wearing a lumberjack outfit, you may have mistaken me for the illustrious Brawny Man from afar, but alas up close my true nature was revealed – an ill-prepared shadow of that most absorbent titan of industry. Tom seems to be scaring off talent at a rate that would make Charlie and late-stage Mack blush a brighter shade of orange than Bevo in his upcoming assault and battery hearing.
But enough of that – let’s not give in to the notoriously recursive angst of Texas fandom. Let’s break free of our teenage melodrama and try to enjoy Saturday’s matchup with our undefeated, number 6 ranked opponent coached by the coach most likely to fall for a Borat interview. Very nice!
It’s Pumpkin Spice SZN, betches.
Better Know a Roster
Landon Wolf (WR, R-Sr.) - This week in Aggie gon’ Aggie, allow our Intern Eli a chance to diverge from scheduled programming for a bit of hate here. He’s new, got a lot of hate left in him:
It’s so on brand to dog cuck Reveille and use a werewolf instead of Rev’s actual, hauntingly beautiful breed, the Rough Collie. It’d be like if Texas tried to intimidate the Cowboys with a buffalo because of some long-seeded plains beef. Rough collies are naturally intimidating as hell! That hair is unnaturally soft! Y’all know they made some deal with the devil to get that Fawcet flow. To short sell the breed for a mythical creature is a slap in the face. Rev, you’re terrifying all on your own, old girl. Sorry they did you dirty like that.
Calvin Bundage (LB, R-Sr.) - Calvin came back for his senior year, which means one additional BDSM joke. “Thank you Pregamer, may I have another?”
Josh Sills (OL, R-Sr.) - He grad transferred from West Virginia and needed a school that provided two things: a masters in animal husbandry, and “less libs than Morgantown”
Cale Cabbiness (WR, Fr.) - New York is struggling during the pandemic to come up with viable uses of their existing infrastructure and resources. Let’s look live at a brainstorming Spark Session: “They love cale. We have cabs...cale, cale, cabs, cabs...cale...I’ve got it! Cale Cab business!!”
Jacob Morris (WR, R-So.) - The Little Brother in each state has to try to hard to be relevant. Texas’ Little Brother brought fans onto the field as the 12th man (a totally illegal formation, btw). Oklahoma Little Brother seems to be instituting the “play a Yell Leader” policy. Bold strategy Cotton, let’s see if it pays off for ‘em.
Constantino Borelli (LB, Fr.) - Came to Stillwater from Jersey. Can you imagine the culture shock???
“Yes, one gabigol please.”
“Boy what in the hell are sayin’? We’ve got chicken fried steak or chicken fried chicken”
“Yea, fuggahetaboutit - gimme that chicken parm.”
“Now, I don’t know what my wife’s perm has to do with your chicken, but do you want deep fried onion rings or deep fried lettuce as your side?”
Joseph Daube (CW, Fr.), Colby Blatnik (CW, Fr.), Trevor Ailey (CW, Fr.) - They have a position called “Cowboy” and it is about the most “guys who work for Walter White” thing I have seen in all of Meth-lahoma.
Na’drian Dizadare (LB, R-Fr.) - What in the name of Key and Peele do we have here? I’m reading it like a Truth or Dare one-upper “Naw Adrian, Diz here a dare!”
Rody Schneider (OL, Fr.) - “Rowdy Roddy” Schneider vs. “Hot Rod” Rodarius Williams (CB, R-Sr.) in a 90s WWE Cage match? I’d watch the heck out of that.
Ry Schneider (OL, R-Sr.) - Either way, there is no doubt his brother does crawl out from under the ring with a tire iron, right?
Matt Kegel (OL, R-Sr.) - Keep it tight!
Cade Cavender (WR, R-Fr.) - “Cade Cavender from Broken Arrow, Oklahoma” is the most Larry McMurtry sounding character.
Trace Ford (DE, So.) - The state of Oklahoma public education is a sad one. Art class is basically broken down into two units: Trace Ford and Trace Chevy.
Taylor Miterko (OL, R-Fr.) - He looks like Norm and Cliff from Cheers had a baby but then enrolled him Cop School for 12 years before going to Okie Light.
Better Know the QBs
We’re going to take a look at the Big 12 QB units we’ve come up against this season and help them come up with a group Halloween costume idea:
OSU: The double goatee, the douche headband, AND the husky 70s dad? I feel like they are a few costumes away from the Village People.
BU: This one might be the toughest because you have Charlie Brewer wanting and trying to dress up as Sam Ehlinger, two normal looking cats, and then Bootsie Collins in the middle...let’s call this group...“Parliament-Punkadelic”
OU: They could go as the three guys who got arrested for hazing the fraternity’s “one pledge of color” a little TOO hard and had to get his stomach pumped.
TCU: This looks like a group that won’t stop sending you invites for their improv troupe, but when you finally show up just to make it stop, you realize it’s actually a CHRISTIAN improv troupe...
(Note - With a staggering NINE QBs on the roster, I had to cut this image at 5, but it definitely didn’t get any cooler the rest of the way down)
TTU: These look like guests at the Kim Kardashian “Let them eat Quarantine-cake” island party (though Alan Bowman, second left, looks more like the technician who installs Kanye’s Pappa Kardashian Hologram).
Halloweenies: Big 12 Coaches as Pokemon
22 years ago today in North America, Professor Oak gave us three choices and started us on the adventure of a lifetime.— ESPN Esports (@ESPN_Esports) September 28, 2020
Happy anniversary, @Pokemon Red and Blue! ♥️
Who did you choose? pic.twitter.com/N4hq4Maiud
Twenty-two years ago, Pokemon stormed the American shores and became a downright global phenomenon. There have been about 19 different versions over the years, but in honoring the OGs, we thought we would look at the Original 151 Pocket Monsters. Seeing how 22 years is the exact age most graduate from undergrad (though, shoutout to all my victory lap homies), it made sense to give it the college treatment.
- Tom Herman: Ditto because he, like his hairline and his hard-line stances on issues seem malleable. Also, if the message boards are to be believed, a FIRE Pokémon of some sort...
- Lincoln Riley: Alakazam, because he is fast and deadly and can only reach his final form through trade (this one is just...jaw-droppingly accurate).
- Mike Gundy: I was very tempted to go Sandslash here as the mullet is very obvious, but then there is the long-haired Pokémon in Sambo-style black face that just feels very OAN for me. So Mike Gundy is Jynx.
- Gary Patterson: clearly a wet Pokémon (don’t google wet pokemon - oh my bad that was a Bing search, I should have known), also purple and kind of squatty...oh and full of spikes? Cloyster - not everyone’s taste, but deadly when deployed correctly. Also he is shaped vaguely like Electabuzz.
- Neal Brown: defining characteristic is what the kids call a “squish-face”, maybe Drowzee or Seadra?
- Les Miles: the only Pokémon that wears a “hat” equivalent is Cubone/Marowak, but their whole storyline is about dying and the spirit being disgruntled and not crossing over. And Les Miles will never die (long may he reign), so I’m thinking who can’t keep his tongue in his mouth around delicious grass? Lickitung!
- Dave Aranda: Look guys, you voted last week and the answer is obviously Krillin, but he is not a Pokémon. So keeping with the bald theme, I’m thinking Squirtle, honorable mention Voltorb. Deep cut, Diglett??
- Chris Klieman: He came from North Dakota State, he is now on the plains of Kansas, plus he kind of looks like him: Tauros (or Rhydon)
- Matt Campbell: the most distinguishable feature of Matt Cambpell is his chompers and he is way more difficult to defeat than the experience points he yields: Raticate
- Matt Wells: the guy had to follow the adorable (but in actuality not that powerful) Pikachu-on-the-plains named Kliff. And he is just...so forgettable. Like I made this list and knew I was missing one and couldn’t even remember him. Like just so entirely forgettable. Who is the most forgettable Pokémon? Maybe Magmar? Tangela? Farfetched? Seal? Wait...who were we talking about again?
***Bonus: Mark Mangino as Snorlax
**Bonus 2: Dana Holgorsen as Mr. Mime
And don’t act like coaches weren’t in on the craze. He’s a man, he’s...well over 40.
Now! That’s What I Call Moo-zik — Vol. 2.Something
Stupid jokes about songs loosley tied to the week’s game are easier to write when we don’t suck. And it’s even more of a bummer when so many damn good musicians have passed on so recently. So, I’m pivoting this week’s playlist to give a major sky point to some Texas music legends who had enough of 2020 and went on to that big honky tonk in the sky. Here’s hoping they get in Coach Royal’s ear and have him haunt Herman Christmas Carol style and get his act together and stomp these Stillwater saps back across the
River Styx the street to Eskimo Joe’s where they belong. It is All Souls Day Eve Eve Eve, after all.
Intern Eli: Ehlinger dresses up as Super Sayan Sam and goes off for 350 and 4 and adds another on the ground for good measure. Texas 42, OSU 31.
VY Pump Fake: I’m going to try something new, I predict Texas will lose 59-14. It’s like crossing your fingers, a Pregamer prediction means the opposite has to happen. You’re welcome.
Kyle Carpenter: I think the toughest matchup for the Okies is one not really being talked about. For all of their offensive weapons and defensive success against mediocre offenses, they have REALLY struggled against the mask. Texas by a socially-distanced 6 feet and 6 points.
Gundy vs. the Mask:
Mike Gundy could not be more confused with social distancing interviews pic.twitter.com/9J2dx4UcrY— Barstool Sports (@barstoolsports) September 19, 2020
Friends don’t let friends live in Stillwater:
we didn’t even have a target within 50 miles... https://t.co/g3dO45IZsb— Gavin Gundy (@gundy_child) October 15, 2020
That’s a video highlighting “Stilly Eats” and like 8/10 are chains or fast food...