I don’t know if we missed it, but even in the most awkward of press conferences the past few weeks, I don’t think Chip, Anwar, or anybody asked Tom how the Texas Pregamer was handling 20 days off? Much like the team, we were knee deep in Kansas prep when the cancelation heard by literally dozens in Lawrence, Kansas rang out. So much moment-in-time specific genius the world will never get to see. But alas, on to the next.
How incredibly fitting that in this Season of Giving Thanks and in this (football) season of dubious relevance, Texas finds itself playing not it’s historical Thanksgiving rival of yester-year, but instead playing on the fake holiday created to celebrate commerce and capitalism. Because, let’s be honest, Texas football in the past decade is exponentially more adept at the commercial side of football. The Friday is Black like our Big Money Donors credit cards, y’all!
The opponent is also fortuitous because Iowa State has the honor of housing the final turkey(s) pardoned by president trump. (Ok let’s be honest, he’s pardoned a bunch of turkeys and there will surely be more from the lame duck).
While Corn and Cob head to Ames, The Corn Boys head south to Austin for this Friday that is Black and full of terrors. Far removed from their loss to now 23rd ranked U-La-La-yafette, Iowa State demands that the Longhorns shake off whatever atrophy has set in after nearly three weeks away from the bright lights. For just like the state of Iowa’s cash crop, the cyclones have made it through the shit of 2020 with kernels surprisingly intact. Now, like a Covid-carrying-Cyclone ripping down the plains, the Corn-ado comes tearing into Austin fresh off a resounding defense of their Top 20 ranking against an injury derailed, checked-out Kansas State team. Matt Campbell and the Cyclones will try to double their 1 win (Kansas) in 6 tries as a ranked team on the road, Turkey Trotting their way into DKR on Friday to yet another COVID-reduced fan presence. It’s really a shame that the Cyclones won’t have to face a Texas crowd at full strength – trickling in by the second quarter (#ComeEarly) and gone after halftime (#StayLate). At least we #WearOrange!
Thanks to Kansas’s sojourn to the COVID Cabana, Texas has had three weeks to rest and instead of breaking our bye-week brunch in Lawrence it’ll be leftover turkey Sam-E’s in Austin. Kickoff is bright and early Friday AM, so that’s right at the end of your tryptophan coma and right before the Black Friday casualty counter usually hits triple digits. Longhorn fans will be anxious to see if the formula of backing their coach into the corner can systematically squeeze out a perma-underdog advantage as there are still those who are hoping for a Big 12 championship this season (an outcome still firmly in the Horns’ control). Then there are Nick Saban’s former real estate agents, already projecting obscure MAC quality control coaches’ careers in anticipation of the 2045 head coaching search. Self induced drama aside, it’s been a long 3 weeks and it’s time for pigs(kins) to finally fly.
Better Know a Roster
Let’s just take a moment to recognize Iowa State’s ability to unearth gems that other places around the country simply overlook. They find surnames that other schools simply aren’t willing to put the work in for. The fact that they followed the Jantz family name tree with “Brock and his brother Chubba” Purdy is just incredible, dynastic roster building.
September 12, 2020
For the remainder of this list, unless noted otherwise, just assume these Mayonnaise Boiz look like they were recruited from the Fargo extras trailer:
Breece Hall (RB, So.) - Breece Hall is the dorm you get put in if you forget to set a preference when applying. Local lore has it designed by a famous prison architect.
Skylar Loving-Black (TE, R-Fr.), Connor Assalley (PK, R-Sr.), Koby Hathcock (LS, Fr.) -
Which of these very real Iowa State players is most likely to be an adult film star based on their Christian name?
This poll is closed
Skylar Loving-Black (TE, R-Fr.)
Connor Assalley (PK, R-Sr.)
Koby Hathcock (LS, Fr.)
Kade Lynott (LB, Fr.) - I love a name that doubles as a commandment: “Kade! Lienott!”
Will McDonald IV (DE, R-So.), Lawrence White IV (DB, R-Sr.), Vonzell Kelley III (DB, R-Fr.), Greg Eisworth II (DB, R-Sr.), Virdel Edwards II (DB, R-Fr.), Michal Antoine Jr. (DB, Fr.), Darrell Simmons Jr. (OL, R-Fr.), Anthony Johnson Jr. (DB, Jr.), Sean Shaw Jr. (WR, R-So.), Johnnie Lang Jr. (RB, R-Jr.), Darren Wilson Jr. (WR, Jr), D.J. Miller Jr. (DB, So.) -
- Two “Fourth”s
- One “Third”
- Seven “Junior”s
- Is there a more self-obsessed group in the country than the parents section of this team? A name’s gotta reach a threshold of coolness for it to earn qualification for a sequel or franchise. Otherwise you can really tell when the writing staff just phones it in.
D.J. Miller Jr. (DB, So.) - I think this one might be “Derrick Junior Junior” so I don’t even know how to count this force multiplier...
Joe Scates (WR, R-So.) - One of UT’s most legendary campus parties is a croquet tournament and crawfish boil named “Bob Pee’s 2020th annual Crawfish Boil and Croquent Tournament” - Joe Scates sounds like a knockoff date party thrown by Baylor.
Will Zahradnik (TE, Fr.) Shane Starcevich (DB, R-So.), g, Joey Ramos (OL, Rs-So.) - Somehow you have a 6’6 TE with a head significantly smaller than Megamind, your 180 lb DB. You have dog ears of a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel and an offensive lineman who meshes 90s Boy band highlights and hairstyle with a whisper of a pedo-stache. Weird looking bunch.
Kym-Mani King (DB, So.) - If that hyphen moves over just one more slot Kym turns into a dude running a nail salon franchise in the greater Ames area.
T.J. Tampa (DB, Fr.) - this is either the name of your weed guy or Rob Gronkowski’s alias he came up with to give when he checks into hotels.
Micheal Tweten (WR, Fr.) - was passed on the depth chart by Tommy Fleetin’
Blaze Doxzon (RB, Fr.) -
Ar’Quel Smith (LB, Fr.) - His parents really flexed naming him after the post-transformation machine version of the Family Matters star.
Jake Hummel (LB, Sr.), Levi Hummel (LB, R-Fr.) - These are literal “moustache bros,” but you can also see the growth from Freshman to Senior:
Benjamin Dunkleberger (DB, R-So.) - Had to include a reminder of just how Midwestern this team is.
Aric Horne (LB, R-Fr.) - His on-screen chemistry with Borum Hear really brought some humanity (no pun intended) to the race of men in Fellowship of the Ring.
DeShawn Hanika (TE, R-Fr.) - Already moving on from Thanksgiving and focusing on our next Holiday: DeShawnukkah begins December 10th!
Hunter Zenzen (LB, Fr.) - One of these is the best LB in the Big 12, one is a sassy 14 year old girl (listed as a Freshman OL on the roster), and one is named Zenzen after the strain of incredibly dank strain of “sleepy weed” his parents invented.
Brock Purdy (QB, Jr.), Mike Rose (LB, Jr.), Answer Gaye (DB, R-So.), Aidan Bitter (WR, Fr.), Corey Suttle (DE, R-Fr.), Connor Guess (DS, R-So.) - I love the low syllable count, word-as-name surnames on this roster. They tell a midwestern short story in Hemingway-esque brevity: “Purdy Rose? Subtle, Bitter Guess: Gaye.
Big 12 Coaches Favorite Thanksgiving Dish
What is your 1st-round draft pick of Thanksgiving dishes? The comments section exists for a reason...
- Tom Herman: Vodka.
- Lincoln Riley: While Lincoln doesn’t prefer any one dish in particular, he will only eat dishes that were first cooked at someone else’s house.
- Mike Gundy: He absolutely refuses to touch the dark meat for whatever reason...but loves the white meat turkey breast!
- Gary Patterson: Rum ham to get the meat sweats and justify his 4 wardrobe changes before desert. This is actually just the standard GP game day breakfast.
- Neal Brown: Cranberry, but only if it is from the can and has the ridges clearly on the outside. Also, remarks on how moist the turkey is like 4 times throughout the meal...
- Tom Herman: Vodka.
- Matt Campbell: Contractually? Corn. He is 100% committed to Corn right now. He loves corn and believes in the future of corn. He’s not here to talk about other potential dishes, even NFL dishes.
- Les Miles: No one is actually sure - while the rest of the family is eating he’s always out ‘working on the lawn’ and ends up full before making a plate.
- Dave Aranda: Turtle soup. He feels it connects him to his ancestors.
- Chris Klieman: Gravy. Not mashed potatoes, literally just the gravy. And he drinks it from a gilded stein emblazoned with ‘Sooner My Ass’.
- Matt Wells: Wrapping the turkey and stuffing (not dressing you heathens) in a tortilla the next day—which is actually an incredible power move...until you realize he is eating it the next day because you literally forgot to invite him.
- Urban Meyer: What is he doing in a Big 12 coach segment? Shouldn’t he be getting R&R with the family? Oh, ok...since he’s here. Let’s say Pizza?
- Tom Herman: Vodka.
Now! That’s What I Call Moo-zik — Vol. 2.1
My bosses Mr. Kyle and Mr. Mark let me take a few weeks off. The internship program here has a surprisingly robust PTO policy. Thanks, guys.
Enjoy these tunes as you crack open that Black Friday breakfast beer. And if you’re gonna buy stuff, buy local as much as you can.
“Cyclone”, Baby Bash, T-Pain: Arguably a top-5 Baby Bash & T-Pain collab. It conjures up memories of the Blind Pig dance floor circa 2012, the same year Texas beat up on ISU in honor of Coach Royal. I feel a similar whooping in my bones, but that may just be Baby Bash’s dulcet tones awakening something within me.
“The Way You Look Tonight”, Frank Sinatra: Allow me to set the scene. It’s a Sunday evening in Malibu. Mid-November, the moon is just starting to dance over the water. It’s warmer than one might expect, but that just makes the sea breeze all the more welcome. Matt Leinart is sipping on a Bud Light Platinum in his tackily adorned home study, polishing his Heisman (not a euphemism). He fires up his “Ballroom 401 ‘05 Jams” mixed CD. This song, inarguably pirated via Kazaam, has Matt feeling a certain kind of way. He calls Geoffrey’s to get a last-minute table for two to treat his beloved trophy to a night out. He’s greeted with the news that California has descended into a communist state, seemingly over an afternoon. He, reasonably, threatens to pull his starpower out of California, an act that would send the state into a supernova, collapsing unto itself. Courage, Matt.
“No One”, Alicia Keys: A staple theme of this playlist is to pull a reference to a notable alumni of the week’s opponent. Man, that section of ISU’s Wikipediais a barren wasteland. It is, perhaps, the best literary representation of Ames.
“Barely Breathing”, Duncan Sheik: If he won’t take advice from FSU’s medical personnel, maybe Dabo will listen to Mr. Sheik here and realize that Covid is nothing to take lightly. Just imagine if mother had taken ill and was barely breathing! Who’d be there to keep the bed warm?? If not for the sake of humanity, then please, Dabo, for the sake of your own comfort.
“End Of The Road”, Boyz II Men: The final home game for a class of players who did their best to save Texas from the football dark ages. Fitting, then, that they lead a team that has (on occasion) been a light in these dark times. It’s been an absolute joy to watch y’all give it hell. Hook ‘Em in perpetuity. May the road rise up to meet you, and the wind be always at your back.
Intern Eli: The football gods saw it fit to remove the plight of injuries bestowed unto the offense. On Senior Day, Sam’s war chest will be fully stocked. I actually feel bad for ISU. He’s gonna beat the stuffing out of these poor plains boys. Texas 48, ISU 17.
VY Pump Fake: While we celebrate a slate of Seniors who are all 100% eligible to return again next year, the bizarro world of 2020 slowly inches toward its close. To keep the absurdity rolling just a little bit longer, UT wins a close one thanks to an uncalled illegal touching call and Maradona smiles from the great beyond. Texas 34-31.
Kyle Carpenter: We’re just Biden time until our country resets on January 20th — that means whoever plays for the College Football Playoff on January 11th is automatically reset as well. Rules are rules. In this one? Texas by nature of our hippy vegan, tofurkeys lacking tryptophan: 41 - 28.
America is back.— Joe Biden (@JoeBiden) November 24, 2020
OHHHHH NOOOOOO JOEEEEEEEE!!!! Every Texas fan, everywhere knows this is the kiss of death!