• Contact
Posted by Scipio Tex on September 20th, 2007 under Football
Pre-game
This is an important game for Texas A&M and Dennis Franchione. Two Big 12 teams already have scoreboard on the Canes - OU by virtue of a 51-13 homefield rout, Texas winning by landslide on the police blotter. For the Ags to maintain some degree of parity, they’ll need to come out of Miami with a win or commit several felonies at halftime. If they’re smart, they’ll also smuggle out a few keys of ya-yo on their private charter. I’m just sayin’.
A&M features a bend-but-don’t-break defense, Miami features hopeless offense. That should make for exciting football.
We have Fowler, James and Flutie in the broadcast booth. Flutie is sitting on a phone book.
They just showed Calais Campbell doing jumping jacks pre-game. Intimidating. If he does squat thrusts I may piss myself in terror. I think Miami players should warm up by doing Double Dutch and rhyming about sweet potato pie.
Back in the studio: I like Reese Davis. Very competent set-up guy with a wry sense of humor. Mark May is much loathed, but he’s done a nice job of assuming the role of provocateur. He has that Reggie Jackson love-to-hate vibe about him. Lou Holtz is just straight batshit crazy. He’s talking about the Georgia-Alabama game and I literally only understood three words. They must put a sneeze guard in front of his teleprompter to catch the spittle.
They just showed the Gillette Tiger Woods/Roger Federer/some random soccer fag commercial again. Look, we don’t know who he is. Why not swap him out with someone cool like Randy Couture?
Several Miami players were praying in the end zone pre-game. Santeria. Jobu smiles on them, but he is very hungry.
Speaking of hungry, Fran is getting doughy again. Dude looks like Barbara Bush.
1st quarter
Goodson bitchslapped on the first play for -7 as the Aggies come out in four wide. 2nd and long. McGee keeps. Fran already playing for a punt.
3rd down is a sack, fumble, Aggie recovery.
Miami ball. James stuffed on first down, poor screen on 2nd, Wright throws a bullet on 3rd for the 1st down. Wright hits again for 14. Two runs yield another 3rd and long. 4th and short after a 7 yard pass. They convert easily on a sneak.
Fowler just said Jarvarris James is not “a breakaway threat.” A nice way of saying he runs a 4.6.
Kyle Wright is throwing the ball fairly well. Shannon seems content to put the game in his hands. Jarvarris is 7 carries for 11 yards. Not much running room.
Another 3rd down conversion for Miami. Wow, A&M just gives it to you if you’ll be patient enough to take it.
Miami took it. 7-0 on the direct snap to Craig Cooper.
Flutie just said,”Miami has found an offense!” No, Doug, they just found a willing defense.
A&M ball. A&M gets a quick first and Calais Campbell gets KTFO by Joey Thomas on peelback block as McGee keeps it on the boot for 14.
The booth guys told Erin Andrews to keep her eyes on the humidity. She seemed exuberant about doing so. Hmm. I’d like to see her in Feist’s blue jumpsuit from the IPOD commercials.
Aggies convert a big 4th down faking it to J-Train with a McGee keeper. Nice job by Stephen.
Goodson still under wraps in a big way. The conventional A&M running game won’t work against the Canes - too much penetration and quickness. They need to option.
Calais Campbell just caved in Stephen McGee’s pancreas. Ouch. McGee nailed again. McGee is going to die if they continue to drop him straight back.
2nd quarter
Miami ball.
Craig Cooper is a quick little shit. Miami converts on 3rd and long with a little flip to the TE as he bowls over two Aggies. Randy Shannon punches him in the sternum to thank him. Miami runs an idiotic trick play and that puts them into 2nd and 21.
Craig Cooper is a quick little shit…that fumbles.
Erin Andrews regales us with tales of Stephen McGee’s intensity. Her humidity rises.
A&M now 0-4 on 3rd down.
Fran is one of those notepad coaches who scribbles notes during the game. He writes down,”Barry Goldwater is a hippy.”
Miami ball.
Is Misi Tupe taller than Rashad Bobino?
Wright hits Shields for 52. Miami is in business. They run consecutive direct snaps to Baby J for 1st and goal. Touchdown. 14-0 Miami.
A&M ball. A&M’s passing game is more of an abomination than ours. At least we complete our four yard passes.
Franchione is wearing a large ring. Is it? Yes, I think it is. How small time.
Interception off of a volleyball jump set by Martellus Bennett. Miami had it covered.
Miami OC Patrick Nix - wasn’t he the above average QB that used to play for Auburn?
A&M holds up and Miami blows the field goal. Still 14-0 Cocaines.
Another Aggie turnover. Amazing. Franchione was basically trying to run out the half. Goodson has been thoroughly abused this half.
Jorvorskie Lane is pissed. He slaps the trainer’s hand when he tries to offer water. He wants Purple Drank.
Miami scores easily. A&M is folding like a lawn chair. 21-0, Tony Montana.
Miami continues to kick to A&M upback Cody Wallace. That’s by design. There’s a reason you don’t put OL there, Franchione you halfwit. He fumbles. Miami ball.
Miami flips it to Cooper for an easy 10 - they’re trying to set up a field goal. Miami nails it.
24-0. Am I to believe that Ray Lewis is at LB and Cortez Kennedy and Warren Sapp are on that Miami DL?
Halftime
Texas A&M has 38 yards right now. Miami has 190. Jobu is still hungry.
Kyle Wright is 15 of 19 for 175 yards. A&M is putting a former disgraced benched QB into Davey O’Brien consideration.
Lou’s pep talk for Penn St against Michigan. He is as inspiring as Joel Osteen.
3rd quarter
Wright hits Lance Leggett for 40. If Wright throws a decent ball, it’s an easy TD.
Leggett drops a wide open slant. Miami will punt for the first time.
Let’s see if Franchione will let down his frosted hair.
Erin Andrews interviews Nix’s pregnant wife. I watch her tits the entire segment.
Not the preggo. Erin.
They show Fran on the sideline. Unfortunately, I watch his tits too.
A&M is now 0-6 on 3rd down. A&M is done.
James Henry just texted the Miami defense. The bitches are getting kicked.
Jorvorskie Lane looks to be near tears. Either it’s the lack of playing time or someone ate the Hungry Man he hid in the kicking tees.
Chris Fowler just said,”This Aggie beatdown is a total team effort” after the Peterson punt flub. That’s just mean.
A&M’s passing game is still Waiting For Godot.
A&M converts a 3rd down! Goodson actually paused at the invisible line thinking the laser might burn him.
McGee is 5 of 11 for 28 yards and a pick.
Lane gets his first carry in the 3rd quarter. He’s promptly taken out.
He is pissed. Someone needs a Fuck Lion.
Goodson must have slapped one of the Miami player’s grandmas. They’re lighting him up.
Miami ball.
Craig Cooper goes for 31. This could get real ugly.
Kevin Everett will walk again. That’s amazing news. Good for him.
Franchione immediately inquires about a frozen saline treatment for his crippled offense.
Wright fumbles like a buffoon.
Craig James babbles about war and football. Proving he has played football and never fought in a war.
Goodson finally gets a seam and he takes A&M over 100 yards in team offense.
Goodson lit up by Kenny Phillips on the same play.
McGee sacked. The A&M bunch formation is comical.
A&M goes for it on 4th and 16. Shockingly, they don’t convert.
A&M’s WRs are the Washington Generals of college football.
Miami ball. Craig Cooper has another nice run.
Sam Shields goes for 36 on a screen and Michael Bennett compounds it with a stupid personal foul.
Kyle Wright throws to a wide open TE for a TD.
31-0, Pablo Escobar.
Fowler just keeps on piling it on.
Franchione still has Cody Wallace playing upback. He almost fumbles. God Bless America. You have to be fucking kidding me. This kind of incompetence offends me.
Kerry Franks converts a 3rd down. He immediately goes to the hospital to be treated for laser burns.
4th Quarter
A&M throws a pass for more than three yards down the field as McGee hits Goodson on a wheel route. Nice touch, nice execution, what team is this? 1st and goal.
Craig James suggests that J-Train has already gone home mentally. Uh, dude is from Lufkin, Craig. Ain’t no home to go home too.
McGee destroyed on the blitz. He just shit his pancreas.
The Aggies kick a craven field goal to avoid the shut out. 31-3 for Medellin.
They bring on Ken Dorsey to talk about QBing. He recommends being surrounded by exceptional talent that can catch all of your underthrows.
Could Miami still win the dogshit ACC? That would be funny.
Miami is just doing anything they want in the passing game.
Cooper is a talented fumbler. A&M gets the ball with a short field.
Now, perhaps A&M can kick another field goal!
Throwback to Tellus. An actual play. Just like the Goodson wheel route. Where was this three quarters ago?
Quick hits to Franks and Thomas go for good yardage. A&M is actually running offense.
You can do it, Timmy! Keep going!
Cannot…get…Feist…IPOD…song…out…of…my…head. Stop…running…commercial.
McGee converts the sneak. They cut the lead of the Cali Cartel to 31-10.
Miami gets the onside kick. I’m getting bored.
They just put up Randy Shannon’s troubled history of deceased siblings from AIDS, a murdered father, a lowlife thieving brother on a graphic like it was one of the keys to the game. Tasteful.
Wright is now 21 of 26 for 275 and 2 TDs. I’m not sure if he could do that in a naked drill.
Jarvarris James breaks it to the 1 yard line. They have scrubs in. Can’t convert for the touchdown. Miami kicks the field goal and Night of the Living Baseheads goes up 34-10.
That puts in a fork in it.
34-10 isn’t close, but the win was even more convincing than the score indicated.
Ooo…make that 34-17.
The next Vince Young just hit Tellus for a charity touchdown.
The Aggies are winning the 4th quarter, people.
HenryJames said:
September 20th, 2007 at 4:18 pm
Every time you call it the ‘boot,’ God kills an rpongett.
MIA said:
September 20th, 2007 at 4:36 pm
Thanks a bunch I am stuck at work, I crave updates of aggy humiliation.
How many lil debbies have perished?
MIA said:
September 20th, 2007 at 4:41 pm
Erin is making my pants humidity rise. If the pics I googled are the same woman.
MIA said:
September 20th, 2007 at 5:02 pm
Is fran wearing th e holiday bowl ring? The bowl they lost?
Scipio Tex said:
September 20th, 2007 at 5:10 pm
MIA — I haven’t confirmed it. I think it may be.
Truly, as funny as it is, I hope it’s not. That would be…unbelievable.
Minnesotahorn said:
September 20th, 2007 at 5:11 pm
“Jorvorskie Lane is pissed. He slaps the trainer’s hand when he tries to offer water. He wants Purple Drank.”
Jesus Christ that was good.
beowulf said:
September 20th, 2007 at 5:21 pm
WhooOOooP!
I’m a huge Cane fan tonite. Fun read, Scip.
Even more fun watching McGee get pacreased.
MIA said:
September 20th, 2007 at 5:22 pm
He did wear it to their season openign press conference that was held at…wait for it…
12 minutes to 7. losers.
srr50 said:
September 20th, 2007 at 5:28 pm
As this game really gets out of hand early in the second half I put the over/under on the number of times that we see “The Pass” at 4.
SizzleChest said:
September 20th, 2007 at 5:29 pm
Erin Andrews has a mouth like Gina Gershon and a nose like Vince Lombardi.
But I think I could paint that up.
bartoncreek said:
September 20th, 2007 at 5:31 pm
Screw the game, gimme a full time live webcam feed of Erin Andrews. Does she shower after the game? Maybe she lives with four hot and horny “college students”. I will contemplate this.
cw said:
September 20th, 2007 at 5:38 pm
pure gold: “this beatdown has been a total team effort on the aggies’ part”.
matching mcgee try and take this game over on his own has been perfect.
cw said:
September 20th, 2007 at 5:39 pm
uh, matching
MIA said:
September 20th, 2007 at 5:40 pm
“Erin Andrews: Afterhours”
MIA said:
September 20th, 2007 at 5:43 pm
I like Erin’s matching sweater puppets.
SizzleChest said:
September 20th, 2007 at 5:47 pm
Craig Cooper is a witch.
SizzleChest said:
September 20th, 2007 at 5:49 pm
Erin Andrews gets her news from ESPN.com.
ATX HornsFan said:
September 20th, 2007 at 5:54 pm
And to think that I was hoping for an Aggie victory to make the Big XII look good.
At least erin is there.
srr50 said:
September 20th, 2007 at 5:54 pm
I fully expect to see Jamaal Charles take a direct snap from the spread formation — Oct. 13th.
cw said:
September 20th, 2007 at 5:55 pm
that was a fumble on goodson. replay showed it loose before his knees hit.
gift from the refs during a beatdown.
god i love watching mcgee suck.
ATX HornsFan said:
September 20th, 2007 at 5:56 pm
Stephen McGee - making texas proud. Sack. Overthrow. Ball to Miami.
Bring on the Wreckin’ Crew.
cw said:
September 20th, 2007 at 5:57 pm
longest mcgee pass attempt i’ve seen in two seasons. of course, it’s wildly overthrown. couldn’t even get the PI call.
AkakHorn said:
September 20th, 2007 at 6:01 pm
Miami’s beatdown of aggy is making the Rodney King video look like a Christmas special. Is a$m perhaps looking past the ‘Canes, towards their annual grudge match with Baylor?
meursault said:
September 20th, 2007 at 6:03 pm
you owe me a new keyboard for calling that soccer player a “fag” and referring to lane’s desire for “purple drank”
ATX HornsFan said:
September 20th, 2007 at 6:09 pm
AkakHorn - You’re right. I think farmers were already thinking about the Brazos Battle.
ATX HornsFan said:
September 20th, 2007 at 6:10 pm
Wow. A vertical play. I guess they quit listening to Darnell tell the O-coaches to follow greg davis’s playbook
Socratic Ag said:
September 20th, 2007 at 6:13 pm
Lou Holtz is Bobby Peru.
Fran is any character played by Dean Stockwell.
cw said:
September 20th, 2007 at 6:15 pm
i can’t believe they couldn’t push it in with their backfield.
ri. dic. u. lous.
ATX HornsFan said:
September 20th, 2007 at 6:15 pm
http://jellydonut.wordpress.com/category/erin-andrews/
Ftheaggots said:
September 20th, 2007 at 6:19 pm
-Can you believe that this year, preseason Dave Campbells called McGay one of the best qb’s in the big XII.
-Can you believe it was only 1 year ago all the aggots claimed that they had the best WRs in the nation. Fran’s Gulf Coast O doesnt really look quite that way today..
AkakHorn said:
September 20th, 2007 at 6:22 pm
There was a time when I deeply regretted us not getting McGee.
That time has passed. At least one of those can pass.
AkakHorn said:
September 20th, 2007 at 6:27 pm
Good job ags … closing the gap to 21 points is like putting salt on a turd.
kchorn04 said:
September 20th, 2007 at 6:28 pm
Just based on he 4th Quarter performance, I think Fran deserves an extension. They are winning the 4th Quarter, Bill. A win is a win.
meursault said:
September 20th, 2007 at 6:28 pm
SizzleChest makes me
ATX HornsFan said:
September 20th, 2007 at 6:29 pm
What is the point of a report from Erin without showing Erin?
SizzleChest said:
September 20th, 2007 at 6:33 pm
The current headline on ESPN.com (where Erin gets her news)
Feeling Squeezed
Live on ESPNNo. 20 Texas A&M at Miami
Luis M. Alvarez/AP Photo
Dennis Franchione consults with A&M quarterback Stephen McGee.
Top-ranked USC and No. 2 LSU have exploded out of the gate. Still, the race to the BCS title game is only a quarter over, and right now the field entry is making for a pretty intriguing chase.
SizzleChest said:
September 20th, 2007 at 6:37 pm
Pictures!
cw said:
September 20th, 2007 at 6:38 pm
did i just hear craig james’ daughter is an aggie? i predict a myspace/facebook link within 24 hrs.
kchorn04 said:
September 20th, 2007 at 6:42 pm
I think Ernie Nevers just scored on A&M.
AkakHorn said:
September 20th, 2007 at 6:42 pm
Vince Young is in! Vince Young is in!
Wait, no he isn’t. Sorry ags.
CrazyJoeDavola said:
September 20th, 2007 at 6:42 pm
cw, I believe he said she’s at Baylor.
txhawk said:
September 20th, 2007 at 6:44 pm
no not Baylor, James’ said his daughter is a Sr. at A&M
Texoz said:
September 20th, 2007 at 6:45 pm
OOh, I smell QB controversy
ATX HornsFan said:
September 20th, 2007 at 6:45 pm
Whoop! Whoop! Aggies score!
They didn’t lose, they just ran out of time. Or whatever the dumbshit line they have is.
Texoz said:
September 20th, 2007 at 6:45 pm
Or maybe that’s just a Reveille turd.
Ftheaggots said:
September 20th, 2007 at 6:46 pm
what kind of an idiot parent would admit they couldnt stop their kid from going to A&M?
cw said:
September 20th, 2007 at 6:48 pm
wow, a passing TD.
it’s official, texags will now call for the Jerrod Johnson era, to shortly be followed by:
1. so many erroneous VY comparisons
2. QB-killer fran will working his magic on another talented young man
3. aggy nation will implode
repeat.
MrPhlegm said:
September 20th, 2007 at 6:51 pm
horrible
cw said:
September 20th, 2007 at 6:55 pm
randy shannon refuses to make eye contact with sugar tits during the post-game interview.
amazing test of will.
BRAGGonUT said:
September 20th, 2007 at 7:22 pm
terrible backdoor over
Scipio Tex said:
September 20th, 2007 at 7:26 pm
I was wondering if you’d bet the game.
Crown & Coke said:
September 20th, 2007 at 7:30 pm
I was 17 seconds away from having a great evening. This game was without a doubt the over/under from hell.
bclarke said:
September 20th, 2007 at 8:22 pm
You forgot to mention that Leslie Feist went to Anderson High School.
My gosh, McGee is a horrible passer.
Squirrel said:
September 21st, 2007 at 1:53 am
Absolute gold!
Minnesotahorn said:
September 21st, 2007 at 4:33 am
Yeah, I loved the graphic showing the easily quantifiable value of Randy Shannon’s personal tragedies. I just wish it would’ve been opposite of another tracking Fran’s in game Moon Pie consumption.
Daddy said:
September 21st, 2007 at 6:32 am
http://www.firefranpetition.com/
Redfoot said:
September 21st, 2007 at 9:55 am
“purple drank up in my cup, blowin dank up in my truck”
That was the hardest I have laughed in a long time.
huge said:
September 21st, 2007 at 10:43 am
if he wants drank, i have terrance kiel’s cell number…
turk 182 said:
September 21st, 2007 at 11:05 am
did Lou reference in his inspired “speechth” that the people in the stands were not armed?
wow aggies, thanks for bolstering the big 12.
somewhere bob is giggling.
Javier said:
September 21st, 2007 at 3:53 pm
When I explained to a Texas Ex friend of mine that we should root for other Big XII schools, i.e. Texas A&M, he sent me the following reply. Wow. Here it is:
Nope. I am not of the opinion that A&M needs to be successful in order for Texas to be. In fact, history shows just the opposite.
This whuppin’ tonight may mean that either A&M is truly awful or that Miami is better than they looked against OU. If it is the latter, then October 6th just got tougher…
You know, Javier, I saw enough of Aggie hubris during the 70’s and 80’s-when their cheating was at its zenith. The obnoxious A&M fans and/or graduates that I encountered during that decade left me with a desire to see them fail. Just as has been their historic lot, befitting a 2nd rate state school. They revere tradition so much; let them celebrate that one…
Besides, I am enough of a Philadelphian, that one of the sweet entitlements of success is to see your rivals fail. Miserably. And frequently.
That being said, I did pull for them once-during the Big XII championship game against K-State. It was such a stirring comeback, that I found myself standing up and cheering when Sirr Parker (I think) took that swing pass / screen and ran it in for a TD to win the game for A&M in 1998. Trust me, my reaction came as a definite surprise to me.
So, apparently, I have the ability to be a sportsman—just not the inclination when it involves those saber-waving jackasses and the rest of their humping, whooping ilk!
Don
P.S. With the exception of A&M or OU (for recruiting reasons), I will generally pull for the other nine competitive conference teams in the Big XII. So go Big Red, get your guns up Red Raiders, and Chizik’em Iowa State!
Darrell Royal said:
September 24th, 2007 at 8:55 am
I will be the next coach of the Texas Aggies. You heard it here first.