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2008 Missouri Football Preview - State of the Union
Posted by HenryJames on August 20th, 2008 under Football
When Gary Pinkel arrived at Missouri, he shook up the Big 12 North by being the only head coach to wear a visor in December. The resulting brain freeze explained his 13-17 record at Missouri in games played after November 1st. It’s cold up there, Gary. He turned the corner against Kansas by slicing open Mark Mangino like a tauntaun and climbing inside his ample abdomen to stay warm. It worked. They won the North, but he still couldn’t beat Oklahoma in two tries.
He’s now part of Mack Brown’s Facebook Mafia.
It all starts for Missouri on offense. Offensive coordinator Dave Christensen has been with Pinkel for over 15 years. Perhaps because the relationship got stale, Christensen installed the spread offense three years ago. It was the relationship equivalent of getting a boob job. Now Pinkel loves to come to work though he hardly looks Christensen in the eye anymore.
Quarterback Chase Daniel is one of the best in the country. He’s also at least 36 years old and no taller than 5′6″. How do I know this? Because I checked out his profile on IMDB. Duh. He’s a street baller at heart (watch the The Wonder Year’s opening credits) who gets the most out of his limited physical skills. Unless you watch Nick at Nite, you won’t be seeing Daniel on tv after this season.
Daniel only had 10 picks last year.
Missouri does want to run the ball. They’re quite open about it. In fact, that’s exactly how they say it. ‘Missouri does want to run the ball.’ Missouri coaches and players frequently refer to themselves in the third party. Like ‘Gary Pinkel is hungry,’ or ‘Chase Daniel is getting on this roller coaster.’ Will they miss running back Tony Temple? In a word, no. Granted he was one of the few tailbacks who could actually hide behind Daniel, but he was oft injured and never had a breakout season. The Cotton Bowl game against Arkansas was a statistical outlier. Look for Missouri to split carries between senior Jimmy Jackson and sophomore Derrick Washington. Good rule of thumb. If you’re looking for a tailback, don’t go past the $20.
Jeremy Maclin is the best all around player in the country not named Percy Harvin. He’s a witch who accounted for almost 2,800 total yards and 16 touchdowns last season. Danario Alexander and Tommy Saunders return as the X and Z receivers, so named because that’s where they are alphabetically on Daniel’s progression of reads. They’re a lot better than Kevin Arnold and Paul Pfeiffer though. Tight end Chase Coffman is one of the best in the Big 12 and will catch more balls than a mousetrap on Clay Aiken’s chin. They’re able to put him in the slot where he causes matchup problems, both receiving and blocking. The graduation of Martin Rucker will hurt them though in the two tight end set because their number two played Chrissy Seaver on Growing Pains.
The offensive line is made up of four guys 6’5” 305 and one 6’8” giant at right tackle. Christensen is also the line coach, and the spread puts more pasty white dudes in position to succeed than Groton. The problem is that they don’t have any depth outside of a bunch of freshmen. Austin Wuebbels is the most promising among them because of his ability to wobble without falling down.
The Missouri defense is…well, not quite really good…um…how about pretty good? That’ll do. Missouri needs to take the next step. Defensive coordinator Matt Eberflus has a saying, ‘Don’t show me the pain, show me the baby.’ In the past this led to more abortions than the Serbian takeover of Bosnia. They have some very good individual players among their ten returning starters, but unlike say Kansas, they’re not much better than the sum of their parts. Think of them as the Audioslave of Big 12 defenses.
Their best parts are on the defensive line. Ziggy Hood is a featureless mass at defensive tackle who finds humor in the mundane. Such as the tackle Missouri coaches will line up alongside him. Defensive end is Tommy Chavis from West Orange Stark. At the very least you know he can probably run. Dudes from that place generally can. His fellow defensive end Stryker Sulak of Rockdale is four popped collars cool. Check out his picture, ladies. Yeah, that’s Drakkar Noir you smell.
Sean Weatherspoon is the best linebacker in the Big 12. He’s an honor student from Jasper that Texas passed on. To be fair, being an honor student at Jasper usually just means that you understand your Miranda rights well enough to waive them. But Weatherspoon is a legit talent and quality kid who will play in the NFL. He’s joined by two white guys named Brock and Van, both senior returning starters. Their mothers drive minivans with their respective son’s name and ‘Missouri Football’ on a sticker on the rear window.
William Moore from Hayti, Missouri is the best player on the defense. The team trainer has to blow scopolamine in Moore’s face before each game to control him, but he still led the nation with 8 interceptions. An NFL paycheck is in his future. He missed the spring after injuring himself in a necklacing incident, but you can’t keep a fucking zombie from playing. You just can’t. Cornerback Carl Gettis might be a future star at the position, and he’s paired with Castine Bridges. Both have good size. Bridges and strong safety Justin Garrett are both seniors.
Missouri has the talent and experience, and they finally won their division. Oklahoma isn’t on the schedule, and they get both Illinois and Kansas at neutral sites. The North championship goes in streaks. First Nebraska dominated, then Kansas State and then Colorado had their run. Now it’s Missouri’s time. Anything less than a North championship will be considered a disappointment.
But can they win Big 12?
I’m from Missouri. You’ll have to show me.
For more on Mizzou Football check out our friends at Mizzourah!
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Huckleberry said:
August 20th, 2008 at 3:45 am
Alex said:
August 20th, 2008 at 5:05 am
Great read. Thanks from a Missouri Tiger fan… “4 popped collars cool”. Love it.
Parlin Hall said:
August 20th, 2008 at 5:06 am
Like Heidegger in his hut in the Black Forest, TigerFan has been brooding, hating on Matt Davison and the shoeness of shoes.
hiphopopotamus said:
August 20th, 2008 at 5:24 am
“They have some very good individual players among their ten returning starters, but unlike say Kansas, they’re not much better than the sum of their parts. Think of them as the Audioslave of Big 12 defenses.”
Top notch!
ponderos said:
August 20th, 2008 at 5:31 am
Maybe the best lead on BC evar.
As an aside, mizzou fans need to get over themselves. Talking smack about being #1 for a WEEK … the ONLY week in the history of their program … AFTER getting beatdown by OU in the Alamo Bowl needs a Bill Little-esque adjective substitution for the word “stupid.” When OU fans can call your fans stupid white trash, well that’s saying something.
Tiger Fan said:
August 20th, 2008 at 5:37 am
Well done as usual. My favorite “To be fair, being an honor student from Jasper usually just means that you understand your Miranda Rights well enough to waive them” That being said these Tigers barring catastrophic injuries to key players will be fun to watch in 2008. Thank God Mack passed on Daniel until it was too late.
Ag_in_TX said:
August 20th, 2008 at 6:20 am
“Tight end Chase Coffman is one of the best in the Big 12 and will catch more balls than a mousetrap on Clay Aiken’s chin.”
That’s quality work right there….
BRAGGonUT said:
August 20th, 2008 at 6:29 am
I assume he means in a month, as Aiken’s chin must be the career leader in balls caught.
scmr said:
August 20th, 2008 at 6:36 am
ponderos, I wandered the Riverwalk before and after the Big 12 Championship game. Oklahoma fans do NOT get to call us stupid white trash. They were nice enough, but I still have the images of giant, pear-shaped women with big hair slurring “Bu-loomer Shlooomer” every 30 seconds seared into my retinas. Not a pretty sight.
ponderos said:
August 20th, 2008 at 6:52 am
Fair enough, but those portly, middle-aged, Midwestern women blasting their John Mellencougar in the Alamodome parking lot and yelling drunken smack to us after their booger-eating QB just got b-slapped again was pretty funny.
J.R.69 said:
August 20th, 2008 at 6:54 am
You people just love slapping Clay Aiken while he’s down. But he’s young and resilient.
You just watch: he’ll be back on his knees in no time!
eric said:
August 20th, 2008 at 6:55 am
ponderos, Mizzou has been ranked #1 before, this is not the first time. I don’t know who’s been “talking smack”. Maybe you should get over yourself. We had a good season, we’re happy about it. We’ve been pretty consistently terrible since the late 70’s so we’re excited. Get over it.
ponderos said:
August 20th, 2008 at 6:58 am
Mizzou fans were talking smack, eric. I was there, it happened and it was funny.
eric said:
August 20th, 2008 at 7:01 am
So some portly midwestern women hurt your feelings and you decided to judge an entire fan base by it. Bully for you.
DocNice said:
August 20th, 2008 at 7:08 am
ponderos,
Some fan in a parking lot talked smack after a game and that equals “Missouri fans”?
scmr said:
August 20th, 2008 at 7:12 am
I know I didn’t talk any smack, and didn’t see any other Mizzou fans doing it either. Mostly we were like “Hey, good game. Better team won.” That kind of thing. Everyone I saw was cool. And even though I found the OU folks kinda annoying, I came away with grudging respect for them and their team.
Now, KU fans?
ponderos said:
August 20th, 2008 at 7:23 am
Before the game on the way to the dome, during the game on one of the concourses, during the game on the row behind me, after the game in the parking lot, my Mizzou cousins before the game … I shouldn’t judge the entire fan base on 20 or so of them at the game, but it was definitely more than one portly midwestern woman. It was several of them.
and my feelings never get hurt against Mizzou. Hell, I wish they were on OU’s schedule again this year. That’s a W.
Hippie Killer said:
August 20th, 2008 at 7:31 am
Chase Daniel wants another cheeseburger.
eric said:
August 20th, 2008 at 7:31 am
Such animosity towards a supposedly non threatening team ponderos, did a Mizzou jschool grad bang your girlfriend or something? Believe it or not we actually have a rep as having nice, benign, fans. And while my only real experience with an OU fan is seeing one dressed up as a superhero costume at a Mizzou game, I don’t judge your entire fan base by one loon.
Clownass said:
August 20th, 2008 at 7:42 am
While walking out of the Alamodome a female OU fan lifted a fat roll and a blue-in-the-face MU fan fell out.
dedfischer said:
August 20th, 2008 at 7:43 am
G-Moye, baby, I’m so hard, pimpin’ these ho’s on tha boulevard, but I’m not here, to talk about me, I got a lil’ story about a clean-cut, fiery kid from a winning, affluent suburban program of Dallas leading us to a Top 5 ranking.
Mizzou seems to have found the right balance of intelligent leadership and thuginess. Too much of one and you’re Rice. Too much of another and you’re Miami. They’ve done well for themselves, and I think their defense is pretty salty, myself.
ponderos said:
August 20th, 2008 at 7:45 am
Believe it or not we actually have a rep as having nice, benign, fans.
I’ll see your nice, benign fans and raise you The Antlers.
btw, if you see that dude in the Superhero costume again, you pretty much have the entire Sooner fanbase’s permission to slap him.
Spider said:
August 20th, 2008 at 7:47 am
The team trainer has to blow scopolamine in Moore’s face before each game to control him
A trick he learned working in MKFLEXEAGLE, back in the 50’s.
eric said:
August 20th, 2008 at 7:54 am
Ha, I love the antlers, but I’m talking more about the guy you sit by or tailgait with. Personally, I’m not benign, and I’m of the opinion that KU fans don’t have souls, therefore if you hit one with your car, its like hitting a deer: Just move the body to the side of the road and be on your merry way. That said, I’ve never had any problems with the Sooners or their fans (arrogant, but that comes with success), therefore, I don’t understand the animosity. If you were an Nub fan or a KU fan, I could understand, but if we’re really so insignificant in the OU universe, why do you feel the need to talk shit in a Mizzou preview piece on a Texas blog?
Doperbo said:
August 20th, 2008 at 8:13 am
In fairness to the Mizzou fans, yelling at ponderos is probably not the best litmus test for fanbase virulency. I’ve done it at my car radio several times and I’m a quiet, refined soul.
Jeff said:
August 20th, 2008 at 8:50 am
The Aiken comment was outstanding. A much needed (and well-executed) update on Don Baylor and Liberace.
TGRLVR said:
August 20th, 2008 at 9:40 am
eric - if you’re actually taking the time to move ku fans to the side of the road after hitting them, you’re spending too much time on them. They function very well as a speed bump.
Deer however, do merit moving.
eric said:
August 20th, 2008 at 9:49 am
I’m just trying to prevent accidents. We should all be neighborly to each other.
vvn8bs said:
August 20th, 2008 at 9:58 am
Ponderos: We decimated the native population of this fair land by infectious disease and taking pretty much every available scrap of available space, and then we gave those we had not killed Oklahoma. This tells us (at least) two things: (1) Our forebears were pretty much shitheads and (2) even those shitheads hated Oklahoma.
WHAAAA? said:
August 20th, 2008 at 10:24 am
“First Nebraska dominated, then Kansas State and then Colorado had their run.”
Kansas State? I must’ve been asleep all that time. What year was it they won the Big XII? When did they win back-to-back division titles? Oh, they didn’t? But they apparently dominated at some point? I see.
Huckleberry said:
August 20th, 2008 at 10:34 am
Well, 2003 was the year they won the Big 12.
JayFan said:
August 20th, 2008 at 10:47 am
I’m not sure which is more entertaining: MU and OU fans arguing over who has the fattest fans, or MU and K-State fans arguing over who has the most hillbillies.
ponderos said:
August 20th, 2008 at 10:49 am
OU probably has fatter fans, due to feasting on all of those conference titles.
WHAAAA? said:
August 20th, 2008 at 10:57 am
@Huckleberry: Oh. Once? Okay. The definition of “dominance” in my dictionary must be a little off.
Huckleberry said:
August 20th, 2008 at 10:58 am
You ask a question, I answer. I am here to serve.
backdochawk said:
August 20th, 2008 at 11:13 am
The only downside to KU’s 12-1 fb season last year was losing to Mizzou, the only upside to Mizzou fans is reminding them they are Mizzou fans-bads things can and will happen to every team you have; that and all the fireworks stands, porn shops and meth labs that line your highways and interstates. Discuss
Mark Mangina said:
August 20th, 2008 at 11:13 am
They should do well of course. BUt Kansas is always lurking - and almost always in the end, stabs them in the heart with a stake.
And sprinkles garlic over their carcass while humming ROOOOCKKKKK CHALLLLKKK
MU_LAX said:
August 20th, 2008 at 11:42 am
Man, kU fans are lame. Glad to hear that you’re enjoying your 1 loss (to MU) season and your Big 12 North Co-Champs trophy (yes, they actually made themselves one).
The porn shops & fireworks stands just prove that we know how to have a good time. And I’d rather live in a meth exporting state than a meth importing one.
OrangeBowlStunnas said:
August 20th, 2008 at 11:55 am
KU didn’t make the trophy, it was delivered by the Big 12 on the same day Misery got theirs. Haters
Captain Obvious said:
August 20th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
You know your blog has reached the bigtime when random fans from other schools are arguing each other about meth, porn, and fireworks. This is why HF and TexAgs will never go anywhere
Colorado School of Mines SUCKS!!1
Monster Mizzou said:
August 20th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
OU probably has fatter fans, due to feasting on all of those conference titles.
I don’t know about the fans, but I know the players are fatter..in the wallets from all of those jobs provided by them by all the car dealerships down there….
ponderos said:
August 20th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
ouch! BURN!
Turner Gill said:
August 20th, 2008 at 4:13 pm
eh mizzou is going to need to win a conference championship before we can say its their time for dominance, and KSU never dominated they were good for 4 years haha.
vvn8bs said:
August 20th, 2008 at 4:45 pm
Are we supposed to think having porn shops lining our highways is a bad thing? As opposed to what? Edible grass?
Ponderos, sadly, I actually enjoyed the OU fans at the championship last year. Everywhere I looked, I saw MU and OU fans living in harmony, arms interlocked, celebrating the diversity of our different states.
Why can’t we all just get along? Why???
vvn8bs said:
August 20th, 2008 at 4:52 pm
AS far as the actual MU preview, good work (as always). I beg to differ on the defense, by season end, MU, KU and OU had virtually identical defensive stats in conference play, and the defense returns every major contributor sans Lorenzo Williams. I think the defense has the possibility of being dominant this year.
I’m not quite as sanguine as others on our offense, although it will certainly be very good. OU showed twice last year that creative defensive scheming, and a line chock full of future NFL stars, can control the spread. I’m not confident that the o-line play will be as good as last year, and that could spell trouble against OU, UT and Illinois. Fortunately, Nebraska and KU are weaker up front, so we should win those games.
We are painfully thin at WR and OL, and possibly quite deep at DL and certainly quite deep in the secondary. If the OL gels and we avoid injuries to Spoon, Moore or Maclin, we should be very good.
William Moore and Jeremy Maclin are, along with Justin Smith, the three very obviously most talented players I’ve seen at Mizzou since 1989, and Weatherspoon is only a half rung down from those, and Coffman another half rung down. Tallest midget in the circus sort of thing considering we’ve had about 10 NFL players in the last 25 years.
All in all, I think the over/under on regular season wins is 10. Win 11 and it is a great season, win 9 and it is a disappointment.
What will be interesting is whether we are 9 - 3-ish next year, or 6 - 6-ish. Only then will we know for sure that Pinkel has us firmly around the bend of suckitude.
Looking forward to enjoying Austin in October, hopefully you guys have just knocked off OU the week before and are resting comfortably on your laurels.
vvn8bs said:
August 20th, 2008 at 4:57 pm
See, Turner, the idea of “predicting” is that you, you know, guess at the future. If we have seen Mizzou dominate, it wouldn’t be a prediction, now would it?
NateHeupel said:
August 20th, 2008 at 7:57 pm
Do we really have Missouri and Oklahoma fans arguing over who’s more white trash? That’s like trying to divide by zero, it’s just not right and it’ll never go anywhere.
Phenomenal Smith said:
August 21st, 2008 at 5:32 am
Turner, one does not have to win the conference championship to dominate the North division. And, of course, as vvn8bs noted, HenryJames was making a prediction.
BC, great preview, by the way. I think vvn8bs noted that the offense is stoppable, but I think that’s true of all offenses going against a talented well-coached defense. I will point out that the offense should be different (better?) in one respect - Derrick Washington is going to a) not lose yards like Tony Temple did (and I love Tony Temple) so the Tigers should see fewer 10+ yard downs (we will see if that matters), and b) he’ll catch the ball out of the backfield, something Tony did not do and something that will help make up for the loss of Rucker.
eric said:
August 21st, 2008 at 7:15 am
Did a beaker just call Mizzou fans hillbillies? YOUR ENTIRE STATE SMELLS LIKE PIG SHIT.
LA Horn said:
August 21st, 2008 at 8:53 am
I know Jason Hervey. I see Jason Hervey every morning at the Peet’s coffee in Westwood. Jason Hervey wears a trucker cap.
Chase Daniel is no Jason Hervey.
HenryJames said:
August 21st, 2008 at 8:57 am
And Starbuck’s is no Peet’s.
Dave said:
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:47 pm
How can the state of Kansas, yes, the state of Kansas rip on anyone? We have 2 major cities and 6 PRO franchises (Cardinals - one of the most successful and storied franchises in MLB). What in the hell do you, OK, NEB have? It is amazing….Kansas is hell…my brother in law lived in Salina or whatever they call it and could not wait to get out..