Alright, only two games left (choose your own inflection there). It’s sudden death for our bowl game chances, a real Hunger Game [Stuart the SEO Intern, please optimize "The Hunger Games: Mockingjay - Part 2"] out there, and just like Woody Harrelson’s character we’re gonna be blitzed for the whole thing.
But wait a minute; hold the accidentally-on-purpose dropping of Aunt Edna’s Thanksgiving casserole and your slurred Eyes of Texas. Let’s recalibrate here. We’re TEXA$. We’ve got plenty monies. Ignoring NCAA bylaws because, well they’re NCAA bylaws, let’s just hold our own damn bowl.
Potential naming opportunities:
The options are limitless and the revenue streams Jones worthy. We even hear John Junker is available to run it, the man certainly has the credentials. So loosen your belts and grab a second helping of turkey and stuffing, because the Texas Train Swoopes on, win or lose.
There is plenty to be upset about this year. Heck, between staring down the barrel of a 4-8 season (it all went off the rails because those OSU refs, you guys) and Bevo passing away, no one would judge you for getting "Show up Kyle Field and think you are watching Tech/Baylor at Jerry World" drunk. Or at least enough to try those backflip catches off the deck with cousin Dexter.
Let us now bow our heads and reflect. To our God/Spaghetti Monster/Season 1 of True Detective/Beyonce/No one in particular let us give our most heartfelt thanks.
- Give Thanks, for Core Values
- Give Thanks, for the tens of Longhorns who tuned in from emerging Longhorn markets such as Dubai, Mexico City, China, and Ames, Iowa.
- Give Thanks, for derailing OU’s potentially perfect season.
- Give Thanks, that Texas Tech ranks 123rd in Rushing Yards allowed per game (three spots higher than Kansas) and 2nd last in Total Yards (One spot higher than Kansas).
- Give Thanks, for TexasTech teaching us "How to Doege."
- Give Thanks, that Greg Davis is the offensive coordinator for the #3 team in both major polls...
- Give Thanks, that Manny Diaz has improved Mississippi State’s Total Defense ranking by about 30 spots in his first season.
- Give Thanks, that the team that
Head Coach-in Waitingformer coordinator Will Muschamp built is poised to play for an SEC championship.
- Give Thanks, for Mack Brown taking Lou Holtz’s role as folksy, storytellin’ grandpa.
- Give Thanks, that we don't live in Lubbock, officially "America's Most Boring City."
- Give Thanks, for not being subjected to an extra, Bowl-themed attempt at sophomoric humor with accompanying photoshops called Texas Pregamer.
- Give Thanks, for higher education and perpetual accreditation.
"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me lots of times, because I kept thinking the tortilla was a football and vice-versa."
- Blake Gideon
"There are children in Luxembourg starving, and we're throwing tortillas."
- Disgusted Texas Tech PhD candidate in Geography, Social Work, and University Studies
Better Know a Roster
Playing our oldest current Thanksgiving Day rival, we probably know this roster like we know the 6 things Mom will make EVERY. SINGLE. YEAR. for Turkey Day because "people want their favorites, damnit! Let's just remember when we used to eat this and be a family."
But...eh...excuse that....yea. Tech has a habit of making this thing too damn easy.
- Paul Stawarz (SO, OL) - A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...we had dyslexia. (To our readers in Boston: disregard this joke. Stahwahz is wicked awesome.)
- Nigel Bethel II (SO, DB) - Oh man, we had this hilarious joke about how British this guy sounded…but then we remembered that he was kicked off the team last season for pulling a Ray "Joe Mixon" Rice and allowing himself to be videotaped punching a woman in the face. But video-evidence-and-Greg-Hardy-be-damned, he was quickly reinstated and has 35 tackles and 9 passes defended this season! What’s more American than that?
- Armani Brumfield (SR, DL) - Transferred from Abilene Christian breaking up the strong recruiting class of Brumfield, Gucchi Mopplateu, Fendi Rakesteppe, and Prada Augerprarie.
- Le'Raven Clark (SR, OL) - Quoth Le'Raven. Nevermore. Glad his parents were as into mid-90s wrestling as I was!
Bobby Esiaba (SR, LB) - It’s like your Uncle Ted at Thanksgiving trying to hop in and talk sports: "Yea you know who I mean. That Mexican feller, played catcher for the Astros all them years. With the mustache...Timmy. Tony. No. Bobby. Bobby Esiaba."
Emeka Okafor (SR, OL) - So this is where former Bronze Medalist and 2nd Overall pick for the Charlotte Bobcats ended up?
- Justis Nelson (JR, DB) - this would be a tremendous graphic novel character name.
- D.J. Polite-Bray (JR, DB) - "You'd think you couldn't make a career spinning Emily Post over horse noises. You'd be wrong" from the 2013 Pregamer still cracks me up.
- Ondre PiKins (SR, DL), Christ TomKins (JR, DL) - Texas Tech’s official website had this weird glitch that copied both of these names with no "p" and a capital "K." But that eye-catching glitch led to two wonderful finds. TIL:
- "Christ Tompkins" is not a typo. His first name is actually Christ.
- Ondre Pipkins transferred to Tech after being pressured to medically "retire" to open roster space on Harbaugh’s Michigan roster, even though doctors cleared him to play.
- Devin Lauderdale (JR, WR) - I am 1000% certain a professional athlete has used this pseudonym either at a hotel, STD clinic, or on Tinder.
- Kash Knutson (RS-FR, WR) - Sage Kimzey, Clayton Foltyn, Parker Breding, Tex Wilcox, Chandler Bownds, Guthrie Murray, Pistol Robinson, Kash Knutson. One of these names is made up. One is a WR for the Texas Tech Red Raiders. The rest occupy positions on the Professional Rodeo Cowboys Association 2015 XTreme Bulls Top 20 List. Guesses more than welcome.
Presidential Watch: Week 13 (20 of 44)
Obviously Tech goes after the low-hanging fruit of Madison and Grant, but the more intriguing feat may be that they have four players on their offensive depth chart from "Whitehouse, Texas," population 7,327. A Tech math professor told me that's approximately 14 percent of the entire town!
- Josh Adams (RB, FR) - Notre Dame
- Sam Bush (OL, SO) - Notre Dame
- Jay Hayes (DL, SO) - Notre Dame
- Elijah Taylor (DL, FR) - Notre Dame
- Ty Carter (CB, RS SO) - Rice
- Driphus Jackson (QB, RS-SR) - Rice
- Cameron Johnson (WR, FR) - Rice
- Sam Pierce (OL, RS FR) - Rice
- Jalen Jefferson (LB, SR) - Cal
- Dylan Harding (S, So.) - OSU
- James Washington (WR, So.) - OSU
- Johnny Wilson (OL, Fr.) - OSU
- Shaun Nixon (TB, RS-FR) - TCU
- Cody Ford (OL, FR) - OU
- Jeremy Tyler (S, Jr.) - WVU
- Jakeem Grant (WR, SR ) - TTU
- Tevin Madison (DB, SO) - TTU
Kyle Carpenter: Turnovers aren't a food you eat at Thanksgiving right? We got all of those out of system in exchange for some of Dana's famous Mountain Shine, presumably. If Texas sticks to stuffing it down their gizzard and can stop special team mistakes cold turkey...this will be all gravy. Texas 38-35.
TejasChaos: Thanksgiving ain't the same without little brother around. Perhaps we can settle for pantsing second cousin. Texas feasts down the middle for the gritty win.
VYPumpfake: There’s only one person I care about feeding on Thanksgiving - D’Onta Foreman. Texas feeds him the ball 20 times and the Horns run away with it. Texas by 10.
Forever and Always. Guns...up?