Texas Pregamer: Texas Tech

"Give ‘em hell, give ‘em hell...No means no!" With the basket of Bayplorables in the rearview mirror, the Longhorns stock up on penicillin for their matchup against the Red Raiders. Rampant STD jokes aside, the red rashes have an attractive offense and a very explosive head coach. Or the other way around. Either way, we need the D to step up and, when the cameras key in on Kliff, the lighting on the Tech sideline to be less than optimal. If we can hold Kliff to about an 8.5-9 rating we might just have a chance.

Speaking of an annoying burning sensation, Breckyn Hager has been spitting fire this week. So much so that he had to issue an apology after his statement that the players’ mentality is to ‘injure that quarterback’. The Breckyn’ Ball was quick to apologize, adding the clarification that he didn’t mean ‘injure’ per se, but that he would specifically prefer to feast upon Mahomes’ soul and repurpose his ligaments as dental floss, with all due respect.

With player desire clearly not a limiting factor, the burnt orange microscope will be trained on Strong and his staff this week. Luckily for Strong, Joe Maddon has proven that incompetent in-game decisions don’t mean diddly as long as you win. So let’s keep running our 6’4" QB at RB and hope that works better than handing the rock to D’onta Earl Ricky Cedric Foreman. It’s OK though because if we can’t score we have Tim Cole and John Bonney anchoring the D. Jokes aside, Texas is 4-4 and has a shot at .500+ if we can overcome the away game curse. Thankfully for Texas, vanquishing Baylor dispels any black magic cast against our program.

The players are amped up, the coaching doesn’t really matter, and we have lifted any and all curses (including our own of the billy goat variety). It’s a new dawn, Longhorns, so let’s clean up like antibiotics the day after a foam party at TKE.

• TRUMP PICKED TEXAS TECH in 2008. This is definitely the single incident that is causing me to change my vote. #ImWithHer
• Texas beat a top-10 team. Texas is back, folks. Everrrboddddyeaa, Texas is Back, Alright! (Why is one of the Boys wearing a Hardy Nickerson jersey in that video???)
• According to S&P+, the SEC East is the worst Power 5 college football division.
• Mama Foreman apologizes to Longhorn nation for only giving birth to twins instead of triplets.
• The NCAA playoff selection committee sends Coach Strong a very nice fruit basket, thanking him for removing Baylor from any playoff conversations.
• Taco Bell opens a ‘Cantina’ concept on Guad near campus, offering students the option of adding craft beers and Texas-made liquors to the concoction they will involuntarily discharge several hours after consumption.
• Texas has never lost to three Texas Tech quarterbacks in the same season. So we got that going for us, which is nice.
• Texas Tech is now offering a Masters in University Studies.
• Tech is embracing their new defensive identity (all the way to 122nd) after the barn-burner win against TCU with only 452 yards passing combined! With overtime! However, the identity shift is not sitting well with everyone, including Pat Mahomes’ dad…
• Tuesday is election day. Don’t be a chump, vote. Harambe didn’t die for your apathy.

"When Punts Rained From The Sky": Texas Tech vs Centenary

Like Americans’ faith in the political system, a number of NCAA records were obliterated by Texas Tech in their recent matchup with OU. What you may not have known is that Tech is no stranger to records. Just a short DeLorean trip back to November 11, 1939 and you could witness Tech setting 12 records in a single game! In a classic 0-0 tie with the Centenary Gentlemen, the Red Raiders set the following records that still stand to this day.

There’s a silent epidemic ravaging West Texas - every year thousands of innocent tortillas are thrown carelessly away. It’s time to end the violence. Abusing your tortillas can have long lasting effects on your local food supply and personal self esteem. Tortilla tossing is often the first step into a darker world of bad habits, like Chicken Chucking, Hog Heaving, and Methamphetamines.

But Texas Pregamer, what am I gonna do with all these tortillas? Glad you asked. Here are a couple of suggestions that just about anyone can do the next time you are peer pressured into tossing the flour frisbee.

JUST SAY NO

Nobody can make you toss a tortilla if you don’t want to. Be respectful and inform your aggressor that Grandpappy didn’t fight his way across Omaha Beach so you could throw away perfectly good food for no reason.

MAKE TORTILLA ART

Tortilla’s aren’t just tasty, they can be a window into your creative soul. (Call this one the Che’s Enchilada)

Always remember, disrespecting tortillas is disrespecting Gabriel Iglesias.

CREATE A SECRET IDENTITY

Nobody cared who you were before you put on the tortilla mask. They didn’t care too much after, but that had more to do with your personality anyway.

EAT THE TORTILLA

Radical, we know. But in ancient times, people actually ate these tortillas. They are quite good, especially with cheese, beans and marinated skirt steak.

So in conclusion, the next time you go to wreck ‘em tech-tilla, think again. You may just save a life…

Better Know a Roster

• Kolin Hill (DL, SO) - I’m pretty sure this is the way scarier version of the HJ Hill in El Paso. In fact, besides Cleveland Steamer Batholith, this may be the worst sports landform.
• Quan Shorts (WR, FR) - It’s not a coincidence that Quan Shorts is below Mr. Hill, who hails from...Schertz, Texas.
• Reginald Davis III (WR, SR) - I am so glad to finally tee off that "Londoner in the high plains" joke I kept trying to use on Nigel Bethel, but then got distracted by the fact that he punched/broke a bone in a girls’ face (unlike Joe Mixon, they didn’t destroy the tape!) and then was promptly reinstated and was Tech’s top defensive back in 2015...danggit. I did it again.
• Justis Nelson (DB, SR) Justus Parker (DB, SO) - I’m Justis Nelson. And I’m Justus Parker. And with our forces combined, we make:
• Jett Duffey (QB, FR) - Y’all still remember where you were (in 2013) when you heard that Famous Jett Jackson died? Or just me?
• Colt Garrett (QB, FR) - One half of him is an unheralded, undersized hero. The other an overhyped, whatever. Both halfs of him feel a voodoo doll like pain every time Marcell Dareus sacks an NFL QB.
• John Crow (DL, FR) - "...but my friends call me Jim."
• Broderick Washington (DL, FR) - "Broaderick Washington? Broader…" "Uh yea, it’s actually pronounced ‘Bro. Derrick.’ I was recruited by that coolbruh Jace."
• Kash Knutson (WR, SO) - Not enough of you guessed last year, so I’ll present it again: "Sage Kimzey, Clayton Foltyn, Parker Breding, Tex Wilcox, Chandler Bownds, Guthrie Murray, Pistol Robinson, Kash Knutson. One of these names is made up. One is a WR for the Texas Tech Red Raiders. The rest occupy positions on the Professional Rodeo Cowboys Association 2015 XTreme Bulls Top 20 List. Guesses more than welcome.
• Clayton Hatfield (PK, SO) - Hatfield: All the time. I always dream about kicking, mostly against OU. That’s the team we’re always playing in my dream, because growing up, my family went to UT and there was such a rivalry we had. A lot of people in my family don’t like OU. That’s my frame of my mind. I can always see that color on the other side.

Kliff Anarams:

• Kinky Buff Girls
• Big Ruffly Kinks
• Bluff King Risky
• Bi Gruffly Kinks
• Big Frisky Flunk
• Kinky Gruff Libs
• Rub Skiff Kingly
• Bulks if Fry King
• By Ruff King Silk
• If Flung By Kirk’s

Tejas Chaos: For those of you driving to Lubbock this weekend, might I suggest checking out Prarie Dog Town? It is ranked as the #5 best thing to visit in Lubbock by TripAdvisor, which is several spots higher than the football stadium.

VY Pump Fake: No one is saying Craig James killed five hookers, but I do believe Texas Tech has the offense to put up points. Fortunately for us, D’onta Zeus Foreman has restocked his thunderbolts and is committed to raining fire upon the heathens. Texas by 5. Take the over.

Kyle Carpenter: Maybe it’s because Kliff would rather watch Narcos than football, or maybe it  was one of those dreams where I am QB1 for Coach Taylor and it’s the episode where he sees Mike Leach, but I’ve been missing The Pirate lately. I hope our offense scores 60 and our defense locks Tech in a small, dark shed. Charlie’s Boys swing their swords and win by two scores.

Parting Shot: