We here at the Texas Pregamer have long speculated how much fun this would be if we got to cover a team that was actually good. We didn’t know what we were in for when we started in 2012, willing the unranked Horns to a win against #20 Tech and getting a number next to that name that would fluctuate slightly before ending the season #19 after a Bowl Win.
“Only up from here,” we naively thought to ourselves.
Well now, six years later, and for the first time since starting this mess (a 39-35 record in that span), we have a SINGLE DIGIT NUMBER next to our name! That’s right, screw those coaches who are really just haters, the #notfakenews AP Poll has us at No. 9 (and that includes Enemy of the Program / Friend of Chuck F’n Strong, Kurt Bohls).
In the name of transparency and vulnerability, we don’t really know what to do with our hands, you guys. Like Ricky Bobby in a post-race interview, our fingers couldn’t find their way to the right keys for a few days, as we’ve mainly just been loudly questioning “O-Who” like an owl listening to Mike Jones covering the Baha Men.
If you thought we were bad before, Top 10 Texas Pregamer is going to be...unBEARable.
Oh that’s right, Tom Herman (eventually) did the demo and found some nice Shipleylap under Charlie’s old Fixer Upper. Not SILOed to just the home field, the Longhorns beat an actually good team in Dallas last week, and as a reward get to feel out their new infinitesimal BEARings against a not-that-great Baylor Bears team. And that means you, dear reader, get a Pregamer replete with Bear Puns “panda-ring to the lowest common denominator so hard they should be dis-koala-fied.” BEAR with me here, because it’ll be like appropriately tempered porridge for your soul.
I’m not even going scorched earth on the Bears this year because, well, that’s not my cross to BEAR. And really, after a one-win season, they’ve had their BEAR-ial. Feel free to go back to past years where the claws come out. This is a Baylor team that has wins against Abilene Christian (Pious Bowl), UTSA, Kansas, and an awful KSU. This is much closer to your foreBEARers tarpy Baylor than the Briles variety. Ehlinger should be able to Paddington the stats for that forthcoming Heisman campaign. Even though this offense can be bi-POLAR, this games gives us no PAWS.
Baylor will walk away with Ay Boo Boo. Hook ‘Em.
Verkedric Vaughns (S, Sr.) - Have you ever noticed that all of Adam Sandler’s major female leads have “VV” initials? (that’s Vee, Vee - damn kerning) Veronica Vaugh, Vicki Vallencourt, Virginia Venit...kinda make you think.
Jalen Hurd (WR, Sr.) - Alabama QB transf...oh Jalen HURD. Still this kid was legit in HS and very promising at East-of-the-Mississippi UT. Legitimately one of the most interesting stories in college football this year.
Harrison Hand (CB, So.), JaMycal Hasty (RB, Jr.), Chris Miller, Pooh Stricklin (WR, Jr.) - I can see them crawling into the caves of Waco to practice living freely through popping and locking (which is strictly forbidden at their university), but the real question is which has a lifelong dream to star as Puck in the Waco Community Theatre production of Midsummer Night’s Dream?
John Lovett (RB, So.) - Which do you prefer: Pads Save America vs. Lovett or Leave it all on the field?
Raleigh Texada (CB, So.) - Rally Texada sounds like a drill Jerritt Elliott does with the volleyball team.
Zack Bennema (QB, Jr.) - Zack B-Enema.
Josh Fleeks (WR, Fr.) - God I can just imagine Joel Klatt recapping a big game from him and looking so self-satisfied when he says he game is “On Fleeks” (in the year of our Lord 2018).
Thor Rodoni (LS, So.) - If you think Thor is a great name, this long-snapper played in HS for Coach David Snapp. Seriously.
Jim Threet (OL, So.) - Threet Level Midnight.
Prince Pines (OL, Fr.) - This sounds like a map location in the new Red Dead Redemption 2.
John Mayers (K, Fr.) - This guy is less “your body is a wonderland” and more “your underwear that you left in the community washing machine smell amazing [breathes deeply from mouth].”
Around the World
Norman, OK - Texas may’ve won the battle, but Oklahoma won the war. After repeatedly asking the question “when exactly do I have enough clout to fire Bob’s brother,” it seems Lincoln Reilly got his answer as Texas’ most reliable sleeper agent was rooted out of the Serengeti Squatters football program. With the news, Oklahoma—which dropped 4 spots to #11 is expected to climb at least 6—despite being on bye this week.
Starkville, MS - In the 10-year anniversary of the Baby I’m Burning Bowl (aka the worst game in college football history), Mississippi State “won” 23-9 over Auburn, but it was really more of a statement on how hard it is to win without Herb Hand!! Auburn looks...not good, Bob.
San Marcos, TX - Coach Everett Withers, who served as DB coach at UT from 1998-2000 (and on staff with a young GA named Tom) apparently did not pick up the gift of articulation from Rod Babers or Ahmad Brooks, or the flair for the dramatic from Quentin Jammer or Nathan Vasher. He seems to mistake wearing crimson as the thing that allows Nick Saban to act like a dick. Might be a coaching and AD change on the horizon down I-35.
College Station, TX - It’s rivalry week for the Aggies as they play for a trophy that they definitely knew existed, and “are totally doing fine even though they pinned their entire identity to being the opposite of the University of Texas, which was definitely never even a rival to begin with, and their fight song isn’t even about UT, it’s more just cheeky and your little ‘sip brain wouldn’t understand it.”
Kyle Carpenter: My girlfriend actually graduated from Baylor, so I have to be somewhat nice here...
Ken Starr Art Briles Kendall Briles Vitek’s is pretty delicious, but it honestly wouldn’t be a top 20 BBQ joint in Austin. Texas by the cost of a lb. of Aaron Franklin’s heavenly brisket, 42 - 17.