You’ve seen it all over the internet, two opponents squaring off on the national stage. Neither can get a word in over the other. One might have COVID but refuses to divulge testing information. Twitter is going insane, the fate of the free world is hanging in the balance. Words like shit show are being thrown around willy nilly. It’s the hottest topic on Five Thirty Eight. That’s right, it’s Texas-OU weekend! An unranked University of Oklahoma Sooners team looks to be the fly in the hair ointment of the Very Much Ranked Texas Longhorns.

Dilemmas, dilemmas. Where to take this one? On the one hand, we could pounce on the fact that OU is 0-2 in the Big XII, a big fat last place–tied with Kansas! In football! On the other hand, we could point out that Oklahoma’s recent streak of high profile success was a house of cards completely built upon transfer talent from other programs. On the third hand, we could make a low effort joke about mobile homes or meth – though we can probably sprinkle that throughout anyway. The elusive fourth rail would be to list out all the things there are more of than OU wins against FBS teams this season (they have none, so that list would be far too long...but we can’t pass up the opportunity to list a few: open Blockbuster stores, Jonas brothers, hit songs by Chubawumba, tapes destroyed showing OU 5-star RBs punching women in the face, confirmed UFO sightings, lucrative jobs for Rhett Bomar, openly gay students at Baylor).

We could focus on the fact that OU comes into the Red River Whatever™ unranked for the first time since 2005. We could dwell on the fact that Texas is so far ahead in this series we could almost take the next decade and a half completely off and still OU would not have a winning record. And that’s after we basically tried that for the past decade!

But most unselfishly, I think we can all agree what the most important point to make is this week in our esteemed corner of the internet. The Houston Texans have found themselves in need of a new head coach (and ironically, every fan has mentioned OU when saying “why not Sooner) and Lincoln Riley is far and away the BEST candidate. The guy has infinite OPPO research on at least 2 starting QBs in the NFL. His resume includes a 100% rate of making the playoffs – how many coaches in the NFL can match that? For the many, many NFL GMs and Owners who read this for their scouting and news, you might want to very strongly consider the gentleman, Mr. Riley.

(For the rest of you, please give us your best Lincoln roasts in the comments below: see for inspiration:

Don’t worry, NFL GMs and Owners do not read parenthetical asides)

Back to the Red River Rumpus™ - this is the 116th iteration. No human male has lived longer than 116 years, so it is a milestone worth celebrating. It’s ominous, but fitting, that the game is being held on fairgrounds that were technically canceled for the first time since World War II. This will be a historic shootout, even if all the history is mostly on the crap side.

Pandemic, OU sans an FBS win, both teams coming off losses (though the last time that didn’t apply to Texas was Pre-Pre-BC (Pre the Pregamer at Barking Carnival)), basically OU just being crap in general. Yea let’s focus on that one, and to do so let me quote my favorite author: myself:

At some point in everyone’s life, their mother tells them they shouldn’t call people names. But in Oklahoma, you usually don’t get that advice. And that mother is also your cousin. She’s your Mothercousin. And she also wouldn’t give you that other time-worn matronly maxim: “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” Well, sorry Mom, we don’t have anything nice to say about OU during hate week. And we’ve got a word count to hit.

Sure, Texas may not be the program it once was, but Oklahoma is still the program it always wasn’t never not. Shady, trashy, morally repugnant, disease-riddled, ugly, filthy, illiterate, slovenly, pediculous.

Cheating, no-good, cousin-marrying, acne-backed, buck-toothed, gap-toothed, yellow-toothed, meth mouthed morons. BigTex Burning, deadbeat dickheads. Loudmouth louses. And other astutly alliterative insults. Wet fart-smelling land thieves in Pontiac Trans Ams. Simpletons with be-dandruffed mullets. Corpulent creeps with micropenises.

Unlearned, unwashed, uncultured, unhinged, unfathomably unintelligent ungulates.

We don’t care if that one didn’t make sense, because Oklahoma is populated by hunch-backed Cleatuses, twisted-spined Waynetrelles, crooked-coccyxed Bobby-Jo-Toby-Keiths, and other rednecks with back problems.

Hillbilly sons of bitches. The lot of ‘em.

Hook ‘Em

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Better Know a Roster

This roster includes 48 Texas Traitors, double the amount of native Okies (24)!

Spencer Rattler (QB, R-Fr.) - If we’re going to lean into the snake motifs, we’re going to do it while simultaneously also evoking a baby’s rattle. In the case of his past two games, allow me to borrow from Trump’s favorite comedian Yakov Smirnov: “In Big 12, defense Rattles You!”

Drake Stoops (WR, R-So.) - He was born just as Drake was making his run as basketball-star-cum-wheelchair-bound-gunshot-victim on Degrassi. There is a greater than zero percent chance that ‘Big Game Bob’ named him thusly. He shall henceforth be known as: Degrassi Stoops.

Jackson Sumlin (TE/H, Fr.) - Went from playing his senior year of high school with Bijan Robinson in Arizona to being the second-most famous coach’s son in Norman...yikes.

Cory Bizzarro (OLB/DE, Fr.) - I’m positive this kid chose to play his ball at OU for the school’s number one post-grad job placement industry: professional wrestling.

Charleston Rambo (WR, R-Jr.) - Sounds like a bad parody film from the mid-2000s “Sir I do say, in the most genteel of manners, you must live for nothin’ or die for sumthin’” Rambo 14: Dapper, seer-suckered, and entirely unnecessary.

Colt Atkinson (QB, R-Jr.), Jake McCoy (LB, R-Fr.) - God, obsessed much?

Perrion Winfrey (DL, Jr.) - Coaches say the problem is, he keeps fluctuating in weight from defensive tackle to corner back. The Winfrey curse.

Nik Bonitto (OLB, R-So.) - This whisper of a moustache translates to anything BUT bonito:

Doug Collins (DB, R-So.) - Lincoln Riley’s parents rooted for Russia in the 1972 Gold Medal basketball game.

Hunter Longcrier (DB, R-So.) - Hunter? I just met her! Longcrier? I know I just met her, but she needs to know this has NEVER happened to me before...(see intro image, above)

Finley Felix (OL, Sr.) - There is 0% chance this is not an adult film star…

Brendan Radley-Hiles (DB, Jr.) - Lil Bookie is not so much short as “hasn’t grown since he was the ‘big kid’ in 6th grade.” It’s honestly rude that Iowa State picked so much on him and if Mike Yurcich wants to earn his millions, he might consider making 6’7 Jared Wiley do to him what T-Swift did to poor Bruno Mars.

BKAR, Rapid Fire

I have so much hate in my heart and so much time for besmirching the bad name of OU. So let’s keep it rolling, rapid fire.

Jaden Knowles (RB, Jr.) - OU can give you 99 problems, but this jabroni aint one.

Jadon Haselwood (WR, So.) - I think maybe she has hazel eyes - but the first thing that popped into my mind was “Evan Rachel Wouldn’t”

Delarrin Turner-Yell (S, Jr.) - “Turn-and-yell” looked like the defence OU played against Iowa State in the secondary.

Easton Reeves (LB, R-Fr.) - Sounds like a MySpace era Red Dirt country artist.

Jeremiah Criddell (DB, R-Fr.) - 2003’s DMX/Jet Li starring Cradle 2 The Grave has a better Rotten Tomatoes score than Criddell has PFF grade (probably).

DaShaun White (LB, Jr.) - Ohmygaw, he on X-games mode

Tanner Schafer (QB, R-Sr.), Tanner Mordecai (QB, R-So.) - Two QBs named Tanner? What, was BYU out of QB spots?

T.J. Pledger (RB, Jr.) - See the OU FIJI from the intro image above.

Hayes Bufkin (LB, Fr.) - Hayes(eed) Bu(mp)kin

Dane Saltarelli (HB, R-So.) - wasn’t he an MTV VJ?

Aaryn Parks (OL, Fr.) - Oklahoma are a simple folk — named after the oxygen in outdoor green spaces.

Ben Tawwater (OL, Fr.) - Oklahoma for ‘have you bathed?’ “Yea, I’ve ben ta water”

Joseph Wete (OLB, R-Fr.) - See above.

Noah Arinze (DL, Fr.) - See above x2

Finn Corwin (WR, R-Fr.) - From Highland Park? Similar to his namesake Huck, this Finn probably got in trouble in high school for use of the N-word.

Obi Obialo (WR, R-Sr.) - Obi-x2 Kenobi

Zacchaeus McKinney (DL, R-Jr.) - “Zacchaeus was a wee little man, a wee little man was he” — but this cat is 6’3, 260? Must be talking about his IQ.

Creed Humphrey (OL, R-Jr.) - How on earth can you expect to block someone “With Arms Wide Open?”

Marcus Major (RB, R-Fr.), Major Melson (WR, Fr.), Marvin Mims (WR, Fr.) - Naturally the state that serves as a bastion to obesity would feature a bag full of M&M’s.

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The Rest of College Football

Doesn’t matter. This week, the only game that matters in the entire world is the one that happens in the Cotton Bowl. But I will sum up what happened with the Top 25 last week with a riddle:

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Now! That’s What I Call Moo-zik — Vol. 2.4

1. “In The End”, Linkin Park: Ol Blinkin Riley got Tom Herman to number one! In the Twitter charts. His Tweetstorm galvinized Sooner nation to mock the intelligence of a Mensa member. The unmitigated gaul to go after a certified genius who didn’t bother to learn clock management nuances because he was too busy perfecting his Gatorade/Vodka concoctions. In any case, Lincoln Riley is so uncouth, he thinks Linkin Park is a red dirt. cover band
2. “Starting Over,” Chris Stapleton: Heisman watch for Sam’s probably done, national championship pipe dreams will have to wait until the Ewers Era kicks off. But there’s still a conference title to play for, multiple Kansas teams to beat, and less expectation for us fans. This is the ultimate restart, and a solid new Stapleton tune.
3. “Telephone”, Lady Gaga: There’s a joke about bad calls to be made here, I just haven’t mustered the energy to get over last week.
4. “Welcome Back,” Mase: Jake Smith got run last week, we’ve got J-Whitt back and full of hate this week. We might just have a shot at a Quan Special here.
5. ***Editor’s Special pick from Boss Kyle*** “Rumors,” Fleetwood Mac: it’s so easy to be ranked during Covid, even Fleetwood Mac’s songs from the 70s are doing it! How embarrassing for an unranked OU!

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Predictions

Intern Eli: Spencer Rattler affirms his place as the most disappointing Jumpman athlete since Drake. Texas 45, OU 10.

VY Pump Fake: Texas seems to be much better coming into this game as an underdog these days. As the higher ranked team but still playing as a +2 dog, who knows what will happen. Probably a little PAC12 after dark, but Big12 too early in the damn day style. Texas by 3.

Kyle Carpenter: We know the Sooners’ entire history is based on thievin’ and cheatin’. The False Start Settlers recently had “half their land taken away” (or rather an original treaty honored, lol Ted) in July and I think it’s only fair that they give back half their Heismans, Titles, conference championships, etc. That said, karma is coming for the Sooners this year. Texas by 10.

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Parting Shot: Spencer Rattler Hair Mood Board