Football Articles
Barking Carnival’s Missouri Football State Of The Union
Posted by Scipio Tex on August 18th, 2007 under Football
Missouri is an old Algonquian word meaning “the people of the big canoes.” I had always assumed it meant “reliable underachiever” but I’ll go with the accepted etymology from our Native American friends (a people I celebrate in both word and song).
I like canoes. I’m really enthusiastic about them.
Since the much loathed Quin Snyder departed Missouri to start a boy band, I really have no axe to grind with that school or with what is traditionally a gentle, respectful fan base for anyone who doesn’t say Rock! Chalk! to them. They say that if you’re quiet enough, Missouri Tiger football fans will come up and eat candy corn right out of your hand.
If you don’t mind, I will now use the term Mizzou instead of Missouri (the friendly collegiate tu form instead of the stuffy formal usted).
The 2006 Tigers started off with promise (6-0) and then lost 5 of their last 7. This is a team that waylaid Texas Tech and then lost to Iowa Seriously I’m Not Shitting You State. Mizzou Football is as neurotic as a Woody Allen movie.
Once again, Mizzou is QB’d by Chase Daniel, who is both a verb and a noun. He runs the spread like it was Parkay, largely because he’s been in the system since he was a neonate. He’s tough, accurate, mobile; all in a sturdy compact frame analogous to Frodo’s companion Sam Gamgee. Chase is listed at 6 feet in the Tiger media guide, but they don’t mention that the measurement was taken while perched astride a pony (firmly tethered, in case the beast should bolt). CD, if you’ll recall, was enthused about being a Longhorn, but we determined that he was a Southlake Carroll system QB and spurned his advances because we’d heard that he was too short to get into the rides at Six Flags. Daniel quickly turned his attentions to Gary Pinkel who text messaged him faithfully with many sweet nothings. Late in the game, we decided the dude who passed for 73,000 kilometers in high school might actually be a badass, but he told us to go fuck ourselves just as Mack texted the words,”Our bad, Chase.” So we ended up with Colt, who is pretty much the same dude athletically, but with stronger powers of Christianity.
Mizzou fans love Chase because he’s the first player they’ve had at QB with identifiable leadership skills since Corby Jones. Brad Smith was an extraordinary talent, just talented enough, in fact, to get your ass almost fired. Kirk Farmer is somewhere modeling wristwatches or something.
Chase is legitimately a very good college QB and he’ll tear shit up at an All-Big 12 level for the next two years. Then he’ll rock the house for the Frankfurt Galaxy.
The alliterative Tony Temple is a fairly talented running back who blew out his knee in summer drills, but then didn’t. He’s fine now and he’ll put up 1,000+ yards fairly easily this year - 993 yards against the Big 12 North, 34 yards against the Big 12 South. He’s fast but a negligible goalline and short yardage presence. Missouri converted less than a stuttering missionary last year. He also fumbles a lot. Maybe purposefully. I think gamblers have gotten to him.
Much is being written about the tight ends: Chase Rucker and Andy Kauffman. Actually, Chase Coffman and Martin Rucker. These are two very good players who have been transformed into Antonio Gates and Tony Gonzalez by a media too lazy to research the other quality options when filling out the All-Big 12 teams. They’re excellent, but proclaiming their invincibility has become the new black. If I read one more thing about how they’re the greatest duo since Hall & Oates, I will drown, hang, and electrocute Michael Vick.
There are fourteen kids named Chase on Missouri’s roster. Is this a football team or a walking advertisement for Tommy Hilfiger? Missouri’s Football Spring Game was actually played on a beach in Cape Cod, two-handed touch, and all of the skill position players wore khakis. Several players ran in slow motion, laughing. The yuppie name syndrome is salvaged somewhat by a starting DB named Pig and a DL named Izzy (make that Ziggy), who both roadied for the Alan Parson’s Project in the offseason.
The Mizzou OL has two very good All-Big 12 level players in Spieker and Luellen with everyone else ranging from competent to OK. The rap is that they are not physical enough and there’s some legitimacy to that rhyme. If I had to sum up the other three starters it would be with this noise: “Ehhhhh. Harumph. Hmmm.”
Will Franklin is a big, fast talented WR who made massive strides between his sophomore and junior campaigns. He put up nice numbers last year despite missing three games with a torn labrum (suggesting that he may be transgendered). They have some other promising athletes here, but Franklin is the best downfield guy. He should have a big senior year.
The defense has a number of different carbon based lifeforms, none of which scream for specific fawning attention. The previews swear that their DTs (Lorenzo Williams specifically) are something special, but I could equally swear that I saw them on rollerskates on more than one occasion last year. Missouri has always had some good looking athletes on defense, but now they’re getting a much more consistent effort level. Last year’s defense was well above average (they allowed only 19.5 ppg), but there was a bullying aspect to them as they tended to dominate weak teams but allowed comparably talented teams to control clock, tempo, and scoreboard.
Gary Pinkel (37-35 in Columbia) has a reputation as a bit of a bonehead and a poor game manager, but that’s what they said about Lee Corso at Indiana and he’s on television now. So don’t listen to the critics. I think he and Bill Callahan may cancel each other out here. Let’s just hope he’s not outwitted by that slick fox Mangino. Similarly, he should remove any snacks secreted in his jacket pockets before the post-game handshake as Mangino will pin him down, sniff them out with his moist, probing nose, and feast on them, wrapper and all, while contentedly cooing and rendering soft belly pats.
The Missouri Football fanbase - all fourteen of them - are amped (freaking amped I tell you!) about this season as they know an early October contest with Nebraska is likely to determine which Big 12 North representative gets slobberknocked in San Antonio. They don’t care. The Riverwalk is fun and it’s an opportunity to leave the bleak Stalingrad of St. Louis/Kansas City in December. They also have a little psychological edge: they’ve beaten NU handily in their last two meetings in Columbia (one of the most intimidating environments in college football).
Big 12, you are on warning! - you do not know what will hit you in terms of fan intensity at Faurot Field in Memorial Stadium! Many of their fans will wear Missouri sweatshirts and caps and clap respectfully and say incendiary things like “Go Missouri” and “Good throw, Chase!” and mildly boo your band performance; some of the more aggressive students will tell you that your school’s team is suboptimal!
Can you handle that madness?
Then bring it.
The people of the big canoes are tired of being paddled around.
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Uncle Teardrop said:
August 18th, 2007 at 7:24 am
Well played.
Dom said:
August 18th, 2007 at 8:35 pm
That is some funny stuff….
ZouDave said:
August 18th, 2007 at 9:00 pm
Our DT’s name is Ziggy, not Izzy. And we have a starting DE named Stryker.
Aside from that, bravo.
TGRLVR said:
August 18th, 2007 at 9:25 pm
Excellent! Part about Magino is a classic. Very well played.
eye said:
August 18th, 2007 at 9:45 pm
Relatively funny, but our fans are a little bit more than what you say.
SixTigers said:
August 18th, 2007 at 10:46 pm
the 2007 team will be special. No one will believe it until San Antonio, but they will. Good writing..
rassle said:
August 19th, 2007 at 12:38 am
You do realize there are 49 other states right? I love my Tigers, but unlike you I know that there are other (good) teams around.
And by the way, I am fan #15.
AJ said:
August 19th, 2007 at 5:18 am
Nitin sucks and so do the Huskers. Eat me corn boy.
ht said:
August 19th, 2007 at 5:51 am
Hilarious stuff and pretty right on. A couple points to add:
- the balance of the Tiger WRs are pretty good.
- the DL got run over last year. The only way to win the North is to sure that up.
- Callahan is an ass
What other coach (hint - in the Big 12 South) would garner the term, “reliable underachiever” until about 2 years ago?
Wheels said:
August 19th, 2007 at 6:28 am
Excellent wit, MU fans more spirited than you portray, The defensive comments right on.. And seems your part of the Texas group that is lamenting the loss of Daniel. I mean McCoy seems like a poor man’s version of Daniel.
Hopefully for Longhorn fans, McCoy isn’t as brittle as he seemed last season
Jeremy in MPLS said:
August 19th, 2007 at 8:29 am
Man, you’re a helluva writer. That is really funny.
Go Big Red!
Merlin said:
August 19th, 2007 at 9:03 am
A fine effort from a fairly pedestrian writer. Keep trying.
MU Tiger 91 said:
August 19th, 2007 at 1:17 pm
I’ll have you know that that little boy on the pony ran over a Tech LB last year. I think having the pony helped.
Scipio Tex said:
August 19th, 2007 at 1:34 pm
I’ve been chuckling at the mental image of Chase Daniel galloping around on a pony, stampeding defenders and throwing passes off of the back of it like a Mongol horse archer. If we meet in San Antonio, I’m somewhat intimidated by that prospect. Maybe we can mount Frank Okam on a domesticated rhino in response.
I’d like to add that I’m not a pedestrian writer. I have a SUV and a mountain bike.
CrazyJoeDavola said:
August 19th, 2007 at 8:57 pm
“Then he’ll rock the house for the Frankfurt Galaxy.”
But who will he throw to?
Scipio Tex said:
August 19th, 2007 at 8:58 pm
His pony.
CrazyJoeDavola said:
August 19th, 2007 at 9:32 pm
Chase Daniel riding a little pony around Frankfurt , looking for a NFL Europa that no longer exists except in our misty water-color memories, shedding tears like Iron Eyes Cody at a landfill?
That’s gold, Jerry. Gold.
LonghornGirlie said:
August 20th, 2007 at 5:07 am
Scip, how can you so grossly underestimate fans in whose town the best bar is Spanky’s in the west wing of the Holiday Inn?
jverse2000 said:
August 20th, 2007 at 6:26 am
“But who will he throw to?”
He’ll throw to Limas Sweed and Billy Pittman
niceonelonghorngirlie said:
August 20th, 2007 at 9:31 am
Hey LonghornGirlie, don’t underestimate the party and bar atmosphere in Columbia. Just cause Spanky’s is as far as you got for a cold Pabst after rolling out from under the Longhorn gangbang/Skanks Gone Wild party in your room at Holiday Inn doesn’t mean that’s the best bar in town…
Scipio Tex said:
August 20th, 2007 at 10:01 am
“Longhorn gangbang.”
You mean when our teams played?
MrWyatt said:
August 20th, 2007 at 2:42 pm
Is that the Mizzou admin building behind Chase and the pony?
Art Van Delay said:
August 20th, 2007 at 4:34 pm
What, no mention of the Antlers?
89tigger said:
August 21st, 2007 at 7:40 am
How is Texas still in the Big XII? I thought I read somewhere that Puerto Rico took over the 50th State spot and Texas now stands on its own.
Spanish is now the official language.
Texas is now attempting to overtake Khazekstan for 351st in the global market race.
As far a getting Texas’ “pony riding” short boys…….compared to your felonious in-state acquisitions…….we’ll gladly take the short dudes!
…….and how come your own “colt” isn’t a “pony boy”? With your incredible in state talent how come UT hasn’t been given the National Championship EVERY YEAR? Oh yeah, you have to coach them AND keep them out of jail.
BTW…..be careful what you say about the lack of rabid fans in Missouri.
We already burned Lawrence to the ground. All it takes is a couple of bus passes to Austin.
Other than that……funny as hell article!
Mizzou Sanity said:
August 21st, 2007 at 8:12 am
Pinkel’s problem
Now, it
Facebook User said:
August 21st, 2007 at 9:26 am
Stay gold, Ponyboy.
Tiger11 said:
August 21st, 2007 at 10:26 am
Pretty funny, but I was offended by a few remarks. Bleak Stalingrad of KC/STL? I love both towns during the holiday season…abd ’seasons’ are something Texas doesn’t really have. TT’s going to get 93 yards against the Big 12 South? We’ll see about that. I like our chances to make A&M and Tech look downright SILLY at home. Oh, yeah…Tech’s always been know for their DEFENSE. And the Big 12 Championship ’slobberknocking’? Bulletin board material. I expect us to not only go to the championship game and compete, but to maybe even win it.
Other than that, the article had some pretty good comedy in it.
vvn8bs said:
August 21st, 2007 at 11:56 am
Fantastic. Love reading your stuff, and I think you are relatively fair and balanced. I’m fan 17 or 18, not sure what we are up to. I understand that UT fans are probably relatively unimpressed with MIssouri fans and CoMo in general, it is a little bit of an unfair comparison. We are at least second in the north on both counts (second in fans to NU and second in cities to Boulder).
I agree on pretty much all counts, especially the Lo Williams on skates comment. I don’t get the hype.
And Spanky’s? Seriously? That’s the best she could do? I ate at a Chili’s in Austin, and your food sucks.
Huckleberry said:
August 21st, 2007 at 12:03 pm
I appreciate Mizzou Fan’s enthusiasm, but the fact remains that after 11 years Missouri is the only school in the Big 12 not to have a football division title, basketball regular season or tournament title, or a baseball regular season or tournament title. In fact, Missouri has only 2 conference championships out of 320 awarded by the Big 12. They were both softball titles in the 1996-1997 school year. That’s ten straight years without ANY conference titles.
It’s almost unfathomable when you consider that it’s a generally competitive athletic program.
Prof said:
August 21st, 2007 at 12:43 pm
Great piece. I’d like to think that MU could win the North, but I’m not sure we have the depth.
Dom said:
August 21st, 2007 at 12:47 pm
“Similarly, he should remove any snacks secreted in his jacket pockets before the post-game handshake as Mangino will pin him down, sniff them out with his moist, probing nose, and feast on them, wrapper and all, while contentedly cooing and rendering soft belly pats.”
Not a visual picture I wanted in my mind….
I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit….
Big Papi said:
August 22nd, 2007 at 4:12 pm
I can’t believe you didn’t mention the infamous Chase Daniel booger eating incident.
Bon Apetit
Great stuff.
Scipio Tex said:
August 22nd, 2007 at 4:30 pm
I made mention of it in my first draft. Then I took it out - Mizzou fans were ready for that. I thought it would actually mess with them more if I DIDN’T mention it. They’d be re-reading it again and again wondering where the booger references were.
I think they still are.
My next challenge is to scribe about Mangino without a weight reference, but I don’t know…I just don’t know if it can be done.
HornsN04 said:
August 22nd, 2007 at 9:48 pm
Scipio, you are a master of the written word. If there is anyone who can pull off a Mangino article without a weight reference, you are the one.
I am McLovin' said:
August 23rd, 2007 at 12:33 pm
Easily the funniest piece of satire i’ve ever read. I’m a Sooner and I’ll pimp the UT blog as much as i can. You guys really do a great job, but this is the best on this site.
Brushpile Bill said:
August 23rd, 2007 at 8:06 pm
“My next challenge is to scribe about Mangino without a weight reference, but I don’t know…I just don’t know if it can be done.”
with or without I’m dying to see your take on KU.
Scipio Tex said:
August 23rd, 2007 at 8:13 pm
https://www.barkingcarnival.com/scipio-tex/barking-carnivals-kansas-football-state-of-the-union
pedro said:
August 25th, 2007 at 8:12 pm
See you at the finish line.
turk 182 said:
August 29th, 2007 at 7:30 am
done drying my eyes…
Traffic said:
November 25th, 2007 at 9:15 am
pretty interesting to read in retrospect.
sure hope they mudhole the sooners in san antonio.