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2009 Colorado Football Preview: State of the Union
Posted by HenryJames on August 28th, 2009 under Football
Buffaloed.
Dan Hawkins is a confident guy, but he’s not a patient guy. He wants to win now. The Colorado fanbase isn’t so much impatient as they are apathetic. If you don’t want the student body eating Nepalese food and listening to Ward Churchill speeches rather than watching football, you need to give them something to watch.
“There’s a what game?”
I think Hawkins suffers from the same recruiting errors that did in Dennis Franchione. Franchione never realized that he wasn’t recruiting at TCU anymore and never upgraded the talent like he should have. Hawkins still thinks he should be chasing system guys in Idaho rather than camping out in Houston.
Hawkins arrived with the reputation as an offensive guru in a place where gurus of all types are welcome, but his offenses have provided all of the healing power of crystals. They finished last in the conference last year in both total yards and points scored. Turns out the offensive wizard at Boise was named Chris Peterson. So Hawkins got an offensive assistant from Cal. Where the wizard was head coach Jeff Tedford.
Caveat emptor.
Running back might actually be a position of strength. Sophomores Brian ‘B-Lock’ Lockridge and Rodney ‘Speedy’ Stewart are decent backs. If you call them ‘B-Lock’ or ‘Speedy’ in the presence of running backs coach Darian Hagan, he stops Tweeting shit about A&M’s Von Miller, grabs the nearest water bottle and pours one out.
“Didn’t one of those dudes knock up McCartney’s daughter?”
Darrell Scott spent last season fat and unmotivated, but that was less a result of the Mack Brown Curse and more the fact that he found himself surrounded by marijuana and snow. If you found yourself in Hoth, Colorado and there was a dreadlocked white dude down the hall named ‘Skywalker,’ what would you do? He dropped about 30 pounds over the offseason.
The offensive line should be pretty solid. Injuries forced a lot of guys to play before they were ready, but that does give them at least seven guys with starting experience. Left tackle Nate Solder is 6’9” with less than ten percent body fat. I think that’s good. New offensive line coach and Sgt. Slaughter lookalike Denver Johnson says that Solder is the best offensive lineman he’s ever coached, and he’s coached some guys that someone has heard of. The right side of the line is Bryce Givens and Ryan Miller, two guys who were recruited by everybody. This will be the closest thing to a Gary Barnett offensive line that Hawkins has had, but it’s probably a year away from greatness.
They still haven’t decided who will start at quarterback. Cody Hawkins is the coach’s son and the returning starter. He certainly has a grasp of the offense, but it’s yet to be determined whether that is a good thing or not. He played pretty well up until the Texas game, but he was never the same afterward. Hawkins problem is that he can’t make any plays off schedule. Tyler Hansen started a couple of games last year, and he’s considered more of a dual threat.
Hawkins has taken over the position coaching of the wide receivers, and the roster is currently filled with dudes who should go play intramurals. Six of the guys in the rotation are walkons, and it looks like Hawkins found them hanging out in a 7-11 parking lot near campus and convinced them that they would appear in a Mountain Dew ad.
“Dude, coach is extreme.”
Scotty McKnight is the only guy at the position who has actually played a single snap at the position, and he is a star. And by star I mean if college football is a galaxy, there are a billion Scotty McKnights. Markques Simas will miss the first two games because of suspension, and JC transfer Andre Simmons was cleared to practice on Monday after he finished nine classes (not hours) during the spring and summer at Independence CC and online. They’ll most definitely add size, speed and pigmentation to the rotation.
The starter at tight end is Riar Geer who is, at least phonetically, a 6’4” 250 pound butt plug. Hawkins won’t talk about using Geer publicly, but ask him in private and his eyes light up. He’ll be backed up by fellow senior Patrick Devenny. They combined for 27 catches and 4 touchdowns last year which makes them unmockable to me as a Texas fan.
The kicking game is a mess. Ten thousand guys in Boulder that can kick a hacky sack, but not one who can kick a football. Returning starter Aric Goodman missed eight field goals in a row at one point last year proving once again that God chose his people to handicap football games, not play in them.
“He’s killing his bubby, Frank.”
The strength of the defense once again will be the linebackers. And it will be as long as Brian Cabral is the coach. But while the coaching is still excellent, the talent is not what it once was. The current Colorado linebackers won’t be confused with any of the past greats. Seniors Shaun Mohler and Jeff Smart are the best of the bunch, but there is no Alfred Williams or even a Jordan Dizon among this group.
Colorado lost two pretty good defensive tackles last year in What’s His Face and That Other Guy. Curtis Cunningham is the most experienced defensive tackle returning with nine tackles including two for losses against Texas (fuck our running game). Next to him will be fellow sophomore Eugene Goree. Defensive end Marquez Herrod is the returning sack leader with four. The other defensive end will either be Conrad Obi, Lagrone Shields or Forrest West. Shudder.
Corner Cha’Pelle Brown is Colorado’s best player in the secondary, and the school website tells me that Nationalchamps.net named him preseason 1st Team all conference. That’s like being named Who’s Who Among American High School Students. Brown probably had to pay for his listing. The other starter will be Jimmy Smith, and the school website (once again) informs us that “Many believe this will be his breakout season with the distinct possibility of becoming one of the best lockdown corners in the Big 12, if not the nation.” I think that’s a typo. It should have read ‘Manny believes,’ Manny being Smith’s cousin. The safeties are Anthony Perkins (too easy) and Patrick Mahnke, and nothing makes defensive coaches feel less safe than a white dude who runs an 11.4 100 playing centerfield.
Injuries really killed Colorado last year. They should have been better. Really. Not much better, but better nonetheless. Like 6-6 better. And they’ll be better this year. If they stay injury free, and the football gods reward Hawkins sacrifice of a walkon. Like 7-5 and a bowl game better.
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The General said:
August 28th, 2009 at 6:29 am
“The kicking game is a mess. Ten thousand guys in Boulder that can kick a hacky sack, but not one who can kick a football. Returning starter Aric Goodman missed eight field goals in a row at one point last year proving once again that God chose his people to handicap football games, not play in them. ”
I nominate this for the Barking Carnival Aggressive Napkin Awards in the catagory of “Best Gratuitous Use of Place Kicking for Humorous Enjoyment” by an individual or duet for 2009.
slobhorn said:
August 28th, 2009 at 6:44 am
“Returning starter Aric Goodman missed eight field goals in a row at one point last year proving once again that God chose his people to handicap football games, not play in them.”
That’s gold, HenryJames! Gold!
Trips Right said:
August 28th, 2009 at 6:44 am
“If you found yourself in Hoth, Colorado and there was a dreadlocked white dude down the hall named ‘Skywalker,’ what would you do? He dropped about 30 pounds over the offseason.”
I would have sliced open a tonton and partied down.
Nice work, man.
slobhorn said:
August 28th, 2009 at 6:49 am
Glad that Word Press crossed an existing profile with my BC one. There goes my anonymity with my Sooner boss.
nordberg said:
August 28th, 2009 at 7:35 am
Waiting patiently for Outraged!! colorado fans.
bateshorn said:
August 28th, 2009 at 7:54 am
That’ll do pig, that’ll do.
jc25 said:
August 28th, 2009 at 7:58 am
Waitaminute…Are you telling me the $50 my mom dropped for the Who’s Who yearbook was worthless?!?
outragedcoloradofan said:
August 28th, 2009 at 8:20 am
very close…… but then if anyone could it would be you guys. After one of those fog induced night road trips I woke up in Austin. As long as I looked east I thought I was back in Boulder.
At least you have given up on Momma’s secret bank job.
coloradoag said:
August 28th, 2009 at 8:26 am
As a Coloradoan who hates the Buffs this was a great way to start the day. Excellent work, Henry. Go Rams.
earlt said:
August 28th, 2009 at 8:27 am
PAGE! PAGE! DAMMIT! GET ME “RE-WRITE!”
Waiting for this for a long time and here you go, disappointing me terribly with a bunch of worn-out, re-hashed cliche`s about Boulder life, street- or otherwise!!!
Been braggin’up this site’s regular high quality satirical, rapier-like wit, to my homies, expecting ROFLMAO humor and I get racialist/anti-semite BS unworthy of a Montana militia blog-site! Hardly worth a decent guffaw.
As for FB insight, same thing! Don’t mind you UT coaching and HS foo’bah geniuses looking down yer noses at the Fighting Granola-crunchers, but, sheeesh, do just a little research to show yer worthy.
I do detect a certain “whistling-past-the-graveyard” air about this….ahem!….article, hopeful that what was written will indeed come true, since the Whorns face this mess o’slightly pigmented, yarmulka-wearin’ meshuganas jes prior to the” All-World Death Cage” match-up in Dallas, whence and whom the Whorns may overlook these putzes…..on paper a rout, but they still gotta play ‘em on the gridiron, boys!
Page, give this to Scipio……………and Hava negila, y’all y’all!
Trips Right said:
August 28th, 2009 at 8:37 am
Come on man, he edited out the Rae Carruth stuff. Seriously, though, if you think you’ll give us trouble just before the Red River
Shootout, I’m all ears. I’m a sucker for a look ahead spot.
Steve Nebraska said:
August 28th, 2009 at 8:41 am
Very nice. They should just scrap Ralphie in Hoth and go with a Ton-Ton.
Seems like CU could be pretty decent if they could reopen some of those California recruiting pipelines. As for camping out in Houston, apparently Hawkins finds it easier to just camp out in front of the Delt house to find wide receivers. Just like some of our coaches find it easier to spend June and July scouring the fairways of central Texas looking for top-flight prospects.
The General said:
August 28th, 2009 at 10:17 am
Top Flight. I get it.
Vasherized said:
August 28th, 2009 at 10:34 am
earlt,
ROTF and cut your head off.
Thanks,
MGMT
lowery said:
August 28th, 2009 at 11:36 am
What in blue hell is earlt talking about? Was that English?
HJ, I think that the loss of Whats His Face is going to hurt their line play early in the season.
Minnesotahorn said:
August 28th, 2009 at 11:50 am
While reading earlt’s reply did anyone else find themself just subconsciously inserting the word broseph after every other line?
nordberg said:
August 28th, 2009 at 11:52 am
“While reading earlt’s reply did anyone else find themself just subconsciously inserting the word broseph after every other line?”
I pictured him flipping us off the entire time, like Brad Pitt in 12 Monkeys.
earlt said:
August 28th, 2009 at 12:12 pm
“I pictured him flipping us off the entire time, like Brad Pitt in 12 Monkeys.”
Nah, I was just expecting some new material, not stale dreck I’ve read and heard elsewhere….. starting about ten years ago! CU deserves better rips than that! Bet Henry never left the crapper, with his faded, page-worn copy of Lindy’s, to write it.
Pitt was chilling in 12 Monkeys; have unfortunate observational experience with that sh*t and he nailed it! Must be true he spent a few months in the wards for research on that role!
coloradoag said:
August 28th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
New material, earlt? CU represents the worst fans in the Big 12. Yes, worse than Tech. At least Tech is passionate about their team. Your fan base is largely comprised of west coast and east coast douchebag trustafarians who’s primary reason for attending CU was to roast bowls on the chairlift at Breck. Football games merely serve as a public stage to drink yourselves blind on shitty IPAs, show up in the 2nd quarter only to have the entire student section removed in the 3rd quarter by the authorities for going al qaeda on the friendly visitors from Nebraska while getting prison raped on your own field. I know it irks you hippies that Corn has a 30 game series lead on your afterthought program. It probably almost irks you as much as knowing that Bill McCartney is a Promise Keeper. But is violence and intolerance the answer? For such a smugly liberal microbrew-and-cheese crowd, it is rather off-putting to be well, so Techish. Enjoy your 2009 season of Hawk-nepotism and zen offense. Perhaps if you recruited more date-rapers ala Neuheisel you’d put up a fight in the North aka Big 12 JV. Enjoy your Week 1 loss to your farmer brothers in Fort Collins. Long live Bradlee Van Pelt.
earlt said:
August 28th, 2009 at 12:57 pm
Well….erf! erf! erf!… coloradoag……erf!erf! erf!…. I’m really sorry the fact that CU Admissions denied your app (with that single digit ACT score and all) left you with such unresolved anger issues!
Care to spout anymore Boulder myths from your perch atop the windmill way out there in Otis? I’m real glad IREA finally got some electricity out to you inbred boonie boys.
Oh, and Henry, next time check the DATE on your Lindy’s, please?
coloradoag said:
August 28th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
I went to A&M, dipshit. Care to continue with academic smack? I am from Fort Collins. Fort Collins laid claim to Money Magazine’s #1 place to live in America. The People’s Republic of Boulder was nowhere to be found. Fort Collins also produces plenty of microbrews that you probably enjoy with mustached, dredlocked girlfriend, Sage.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lYrTl7lodW4
The General said:
August 28th, 2009 at 1:19 pm
I love the admissions smack. You can never get enough of it.
skidmark said:
August 28th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
Has Henry James been to Boulder after Mork and Mindy was cancelled? The last hacky sack kicked on campus is older than some of the freshman. Using the hacky sack to analyze CU’s so-called kicking game would be like using the Wonderlick test to describe Colt McCoy or like using a hemp joke to describe Vondrell McGee’s work ethic. Unless Barking Carnival gets carbon credits for recycling well worn cliches, it’s time to freshen up the material.
Using a Franchione analogy to illustrate Hawkins recruiting is not only lazy, but wrong on so many levels. How often did Franchione pull in recruits from places like Ohio, Connecticut or SoCal? The concept of TCU locking down their boarder to top in-state talent is completely foreign. And ever since Beck Weathers lost his fingers to frostbite, Texas high school kids generally freak out at the thought of playing in cold weather and at altitude.
That said, it was impressive that WR Andre Simmons was mentioned. Someone has been using Google. This Buff fan is still waiting for photographic evidence that Simmoms is really on the team. Anything found on the internet is untrustworthy, including propaganda issued by the CU’s athletic department. Case in point: “10 wins and no excuses.”
Sure the preview wasn’t properly written by Scipio, but the 7-5 prediction sounds about right. A favorable home schedule in combination with 5,280 other variables breaking the right way…you know…minor stuff like QB play, the O-Line showing up, any simblance of a kicking game and a miracle at DE, and this team is a contender for the North’s ceremonial sacrifice to the South in the B12 title game.
My breath is held that CU dials up an upset in Austin on Oct 10th, and in celebration of that dillusion, I’ll be teathering my dog Rusty II to the RV during the game. What possibly could go wrong there?
wbheaven said:
August 28th, 2009 at 3:40 pm
“Corner Cha’Pelle Brown is Colorado’s best player in the secondary, and the school website tells me that Nationalchamps.net named him preseason 1st Team all conference.”
Loony Buffs. This cannot be b/c while Cha’Pelle - er, “University of Colorado SR CB #29″ - is rated an 89 in NCAA Fball 2010, there are at least 4 Big 12 cornerbacks rated higher in the low to mid-90s.
texasengr said:
August 28th, 2009 at 4:11 pm
So whose picking CU for the upset in WV? They some how kept Pat White in check last year. That’s a tough one to call this year with an inexperienced O-line @ WV along with an inexperienced (2-0) dual-threat QB.
By the way, the helmet spike was hilarious. Thank you.
earlt said:
August 28th, 2009 at 4:24 pm
c-ag, was that Prarie View A&M or Florida A&M??? Just askin…..
jc25 said:
August 28th, 2009 at 4:45 pm
I think what Earlt is saying is that bitches gon be kicked.
skidmark said:
August 28th, 2009 at 5:45 pm
Wainaminnit. An Aggie is on a Texas’s message board to talk smack about Colorado?
Go figure. Either this is one exceptionally dim member of the A&M association of former jackboots, or Colorado is more relevant than I previously thunk.
If a CSU fan (ie CU hater) talks football in a Texas forrest, does it make a sound? Any hobo can spew a concentrated and often repeated litany of ancient rage on any oppressor. It’s tragic, really, how this Aggie’s mind has been warped and addled by big bad CU. Slick Willie was president when Bradlee Van Pelt came to CSU. Saddam ruled Iraq when BVP made his classy little endzone celebration. Can we all agree it’s time to move on?
This season can’t start soon enough!
outragedcoloradofan said:
August 28th, 2009 at 6:06 pm
ditto
waiting for outragedcoloadofans and an outraged CSU fan shows up.
Truthfully I am envious of the Collinites. After a wild night of watching slide shows they have something beyond McD’s and Taco Bell to slake their munchies……..a Runza
and from aggieland nonetheless. Barking’s take on their season was merciless. Never understood the corps until now. I’m going to click on over there and see if that page is splattered with spittle.
faustus said:
August 28th, 2009 at 7:39 pm
Simblance? Dillusion? I think Skidmark is in the pay of the letter “i.”
skidmark said:
August 30th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
Inglorious bastirds.