It’s Rematch week, boys!
In a rare move where the NCAA actually gives the people the matchup they want to see, Texas will—for the second week in a row—get to face the team at home who looks like this:
If you’ve been sitting at home craving more ketchup and mustard, wait no longer!
Texas heads to Hollywood on the Plains to take on...pretty much a Doppelgänger. What? You didn’t know about Corn Hollywood? (“Cornywood” to those in the know) Have you heard of a few films, like, I don’t know - Field of Dreams, Bridges of Madison County, Zadar! Cow From Hell, The Music Man, or 1999’s “White Boyz” featuring appearances by Snoop Dogg, Fat Joe, and Slick Rick?
Or maybe you’ve heard of a few actors by the likes of Tom Arnold, Lara Flynn Boyle, Ashton Kutcher, Cloris Leachman, Elijah Wood, or JOHN WAYNE? Cornywood royalty.
No, there is no wanting for glitz and glamour in Iowa’s 8th largest city of Ames. If you squint, you just might see some resemblance in the squads as well. For the second week in a row, we’ll see a QB who resembles a famous silver screen counterpart -- though instead of Incrediboy, Jacob Park is going more for the “Nic Cage in Con Air” or “Pirate #6 in Pirates of the Caribbean: Sacked Men Throw No Bombs” look.
This time, Texas is hoping for a Hollywood ending. But something about those cornfields gives us a slight Shyamalanian-vibe. Good thing Coach Herman had a bye week to get the team properly hydrated, so there are sure to be a few spare water glasses laying around.
A storied program, still trying to do things the right way, but seeing the game change before your eyes. Staking your reputation on past successes -- National Championship-level success.
It’s been 5 years! Five grueling, aching, embarrasing years. Watching small, nothing, Christian schools rise from the basement. Watching the SEC get a stranglehold at the top...you go this long without relevance, and the alumni get real prickly...like they stepped barefoot into a field of luscious, greenery only to sidle onto a patch sticker burrs.
This is the year everything changes. Tim Van Loo, a Mensa-level genius himself has been elected President of the Sports Turf Manager’s Association. As we’ve seen, voting for things where there may be collusion and conflict of interest is simply as American as Apple Borscht.
“We’re covering it, putting lamps out there, and trying to keep the soil warm. In addition, in the spring, the players and coaches want to get out there as early as possible to start practicing, but the fields are still dormant. So getting them to look right and to take the wear and tear of practices is tough.” -
Tom Herman Tim Van Loo
There has never been a three-time National Grass Champion (Ricky Williams be damned). Thursday night, under the bright spotlight of National ESPN cameras, both Tim and Tom take another step to getting their programs back on top where they belong.
The Jantz Family Memorial Better Know A Roster™
- Zeb Noland (QB, R-Fr.) - Low energy Zeb
- Daric Whipple (WR, R-Fr.) - Mr. Whipple loves that sweet A-gap squeeze action.
- De’Monte Ruth (DB, R-Jr.):
- Gerry Alt (OL, Fr.) - *whistles past right wing jokes box*
- Kyle Kempt (QB, R-Sr.), Kory Kodanko (OL, R-Jr.) - We definitely didn’t make any Alt-jokes, but for some reason, these are the only two players Gerry will hang out on the team and keeps incessantly asking about the purity of their middle name.
- Mackenro Alexander (LB, R-Sr.) - Mack Brown’s après-tennis cocktail of choice.
- Steve Wirtel (LS, So.), Allen Lazard (WR, Sr.) - God Bless these kids, still playing Pokemon Go! These rare evolutions from two of the 3 starter pokemon can be obtained only on the new iPhone X.
- Logan Wolf (DE, R-Fr.) - Wolverine between films.
- Josh Knipfel (OL, So.) - Knipfel slipf.
- Bobby Denaro (OL, Fr.) - Are you talking to him?
Around the Country
A veritable Corn-ucopia of happening this week:
- The UT Student Government ran a university-wide vote, hoping to influence the regents and admins on renewing the rivalry that Case McCoy ended. Before you scoff, the RotMan comedy duo elected a few years ago ran on the promise to remove confederate statues and bring a Chili’s to campus. Can you eat your chicken crispers without a side of Confederacy? Yes, you can.
- We finally found out the secrets of Tom Herman’s gum.
- We also finally confirmed that Texas Football preseason pool party happened not in a casita, but a 10,000 square foot...casa de Hermano.
- The Iowa State Bacon Expo, the nation’s only student-run bacon event is next week. For any of you roadtripping and needing a reason to extend your stay.
- We’ve touched on the Iowa State mascot in the past. Latest mock up:
- You may have heard: there was a big NCAA scandal at, among other places, Louisville.
- Whoops wrong link
- Third time’s the charm
- Baker Mayfield is in hot water for endorsing a local business last week. Local Norman adult store “Beavers and Bears” apparently asked Mayfield to say they signature line “don’t forget who leather daddy is - I’m gonna spank you today.” Watch this space.
Kyle Carpenter: Look, I’m not blaming the state of our nation solely on Iowa (though being the first caucus, they had a chance to squash this thing…), but Ames sits in Iowa’s 4th District, home of the worst politician in our country. While I always associated your state with Iowa Nice, Steve King is literally the worst human being to be elected. 6 electoral votes = 6 TDs. Texas 42 - 0.
TejasChaos: Like an even folkier Daniel Plainview, I predict THERE WILL BE CORN! Also a win. Cause. man, I really feel like these guys deserve one after LA.
VY Pump Fake: After a 12 day halftime, the Horns return to the field to finish off their cardinal and gold foes. Texas by 10 exorcised Halloween demons.
Welcome to Iowa, the first CAUCus state!