Texas Pregamer: Baylor

Sigh. Anyone else get a serious Game of Thrones - Season One Stark vibe from the Texas Longhorns? I'm 99% sure that Charlie Strong is Ned Stark. He makes the tough decisions--even if to his own detriment--but just doesn't quite grasp how the game is played by the rest of the realm. His bannermen are loyal to the end, but it feels like the entire Longhorn fanbase at this point is Arya Stark, eyes averted as the axe drops.

Oh yeah, it’s Baylor week.

Remember, remember the 29th of October

The Baptist Treason and plot.

When they abandoned all reason, committed straight treason

And silenced the whole of the lot

Remember the time a Baylor basketball player was murdered and the basketball coach and charming bloke Dave Bliss instructed his players to paint him as a drug-dealing low-life to deflect from the murderer who might just be the starting PF in the coming season? (Fret not: Dave Bliss is coaching at another Christian College, you guys!)

Remember the time Women’s Basketball coach slash social justice warrior Kim Mulkey was thrilled to feed Brittney Griner in the low-post (en route to an undefeated national championship), as long as Griner ate the BS she fed her about the need to keep her sexuality on the down low?

Remember the time Baylor knew of repeated sexual assaults and threatened to expel the female students under an antiquated "Code of Conduct" that forbade drinking, "fornicating," and (until last year) "homosexual acts"?

Remember the time Art Briles loved him a buy-low asset named Samuel Ukwuachu who he surely knew nothing about other than the fact that Boise State, who ALWAYS errs on the side of conservative with their acceptance of players behaviors [dozens of links, here], just happened to dismiss him, but "ah-shucks-second-chances-you-guys." (Btw, his 180-day sentence for conviction of sexual assault is up. Sign him back up, coach! Rush that edge HARD, Sam!)

Remember the time that Baylor’s salt of the earth alumni took out a full-page ad thanking Ken Starr for his "integrity, leadership, character" and "exceptional care for students and their well-being" a week after an independent report found there to be a was a "fundamental failure by Baylor" in handling rape accusations and at least one confirmed instance of retaliation against an accuser? (Dont forget to Thank "Uncle Ken" here" http://w.heyo.com/1d4e8a)

And finally, remember when Baylor walked into Austin, undefeated and #8 in the polls, pretending a spotless record covers all? Remember that time an embattled coach and team made one final stand and shifted that balance back, if just for one week? Remember the time we said no, we’d rather you not represent our conference in the playoffs, not this year? We sure hope so.

Because watching George RR Martin stories is fun, we just wish he’d quit directing the real world.

Hook ‘Em.

• As they say, the noze knows. http://www.si.com/college-football/2016/10/15/baylor-homecoming-float-sexual-assault-sweeping-under-rug
• Baylor has played the softest strength of schedule in the Power 5. Authorities confirm this is consistent with their MO. https://twitter.com/Jake_Trotter/status/790533803286654976
• The Big 12 officially became the first conference to abolish defense from football. Commissioner Bowlsby compared the radical change to Apple’s removal of the headphone jack, "It’s not like we were using it anyway." http://www.cbssports.com/college-football/news/was-the-oklahoma-texas-tech-offensive-explosion-good-for-college-football/
• The East Waco Landfill reopens today, a week after a forced closure due to overflow from Ken Starr hastily dumping all tapes from his cross-country bus tour with Billy Bush.
• McLane Stadium makes Roadside America’s World’s Largest list, finally putting Waco on the map. http://www.roadsideamerica.com/tip/22492

This was the front cover of the Pregamer in 2014:

These are all pictures from the 2015 edition:

It’s like bizarro Mcgee & Me gone terribly wrong. We didn’t ask for this power - it’s a curse. We also apologize for giving Snyder actual magical abilities and turning Mark Mangino into the Syracuse mascot.

By this point in the program, I’m sure one of the tens of Baylor fans that read this blog will have headed to the bottom in outrage of our header photo, because, as they are always quick to tell us, BAYLOR RESCINDS BILL COSBY DEGREE GUYZ.

Well brother bear is indeed correct. They did take back Cosby’s honorary doctorate in 2015 after dozens of women came forward with personal stories of sexual assault and the University wanted to take a stand. Not that any of that sounds familiar of course.

So what was Baylor’s official statement on the matter? Glad you asked:

"Because acts of interpersonal and sexual violence contradict our very mission and values, Baylor University is investing significantly to ensure the safety of our campus," Baylor spokeswoman Lori Fogleman said in a prepared statement. "Through the efforts of our Title IX Office, we are encouraging victims to report acts of interpersonal and sexual violence, and making sure those suffering from the effects of such acts are provided the necessary support and services to feel safe and be academically successful. It is against this backdrop that Baylor’s Board of Regents has decided to take this action."

This statement was made October of last year. Thanks Board of Regents.

Better Know A Roster

• Michael Coffey (OL, RS FR) - Do you remember the "Hot Coffee" controversy after it was discovered there was a way to mod a video game and simulate avatar sex in Grand Theft Auto? It led to federal investigations, bans, sanctions, legislation, protests, etc...remember that time that Baylor players tried to mod real life in the same manner. Far less action was taken.
• Ishmael Zamora (WR, SO) - "We commend Ishmael for not taking his frustrations out on another human like many of our athletes previously would have. This is another step in the right direction for Baylor athletics." - new Baylor AD, probably.
• Blake Blackmar (OL, SO, Arnold, Grayland (CB, FR) - Baylor currently lives in that Grayland where it’s a football team, but it’s also kind of a BLACKMAR(k) against both the Big 12 and Human Rights.
• Zack Bennema (QB, RS FR) - Bennema. A much needed Baylor Enema.
• Dalton Justice (OL, FR) - I am just smiling at the fact that this kid named Justice committed amidst "all of that."
• Obim Okeke (WR, RS FR) - If Baylor stadium announcers are worth a damn (and if they dared to break honor code by listening to "The Inner City Music"), they surely will play a Lil’ Jon "Oh kaykaykay" when he inevitably scores touchdowns.
• Shawn Oakman - Who’s that? Never heard of him!
• Casey Horny (Assistant Director of Football Operations/DQC) - Remember: Casey named his daughters Carsyn and Breslyn. Spelled with a y. With the last name Horny. They literally cannot not be strippers.
• Carlton Buckels - (Assistant Coach (Cornerbacks)) - ...he also has a daughter named Carsyn. Baylor really is a sesspool. BTW: According to names.com: The name "Carsyn" is of American origin, and it means "Alternate Spelling of Carson."
• Lynx Hawthorne (WR, SR) - Let us not forget that Baylor also has a parody Lacrosse Twitter Account WR named "Lynx Hawthorne." Because you needed to be whiter and more douchey, BU.

Predictions:

Kyle Carpenter: In a rare serious moment. Go watch this TED talk on sexual assualt reporting from Jessica Ladd and the (sadly) revolutionary proposal to change reporting and tracking: HERE -- oh yea, Texas by 125 points.

Tejas Chaos: The world could use a win this week. A Baylor loss would be a great place to start Making America Great Again.

VY Pump Fake: Texas wins by 1 touchdown. Yes, 1 is less than the number of coaches still employed on Baylor’s staff that were complicit in the attempted suppression of reported sexual assaults.

Parting Shot:

On a lighter note, this is also Baylor:

He’s one of Selena Gomez’s rescue dogs. A few fun facts about Baylor:

• He gets along well with women.
• Had to have surgery for eating rocks.
• Has never been the subject of a 3rd party legal investigation.
• Takes his shits in the backyard.
• Can’t abuse other dogs. Is dog.
• He "doesn't really like" Justin Beiber.

Congratulations pup, you are now best Baylor. Try not to pee on the floor, unless it’s in Waco.

We’ll be funnier next week. Super promise. Tech is always hilarious. Copious yakety sax.