Good, good. Let it flow through you. This is Hate Week, folks!
We’ve got to keep our eye on the prize. Don’t let the fact that Iowa State, a 31-point underdog, defeated #3 Oklahoma at home with a walk-on quarterback distract you from the fact that Iowa State, a 31-point underdog, defeated #3 Oklahoma at home with a walk-on quarterback and played a player at both middle linebacker and wildcat qb.
We’ve been doing the Pregamer since Garrett Gilbert was our starting QB. We may not know much, but we KNOW embarrassing losses. This was a genuine, certified Texas Pregamer Can’t Have Nice Things Embarrassing Loss™.
After last year’s game-that-shall-not-be-mentioned, you would be hard-pressed to imagine a more embarrassing loss. But life? It finds a way. Like the old saying goes - when Kansas closes a door, Iowa plants a flag. Speaking of which - before the end of that fateful day in Norman, how many of us even knew this was the Iowa State flag?
The answer is none of you. That’s the Illinois state flag.
Now, there are four things every man should know not to do: Never get less than 12 hours sleep, never play cards with someone with the same first name as a city, never go near a lady with a tattoo of a dagger on her body, and never play a Tom Herman coached team that thinks they’re an underdog. (Though how much of an underdog is it really? Texas is back, baby! Back in the Others Receiving Votes section #HookEm)
Heck, you saw that one first hand last year, huh Sooners? We might as well count that as Tom Herman’s first win as Texas’ head coach. After all, beating OU is requisite to being the head coach of University of Texas, evidenced by the 61-45 all time record.
After taking care of an overrated Ohio State team nearly as easily as the Fayetteville PD took care of Baker Mayfield (that’s just SEC speed, Paaaaaawl), everyone was ready to jump on the bandwagon (I mean...even the mascot is a bandwagon) of “OU in the playoffs!” But what they failed to remember was that this marks the 7th straight year that OU has lost a game in which they were at least a 10-point favorite:
- 17) ISU +31
- 16) UH +12
- 15) UT +17
- 14) OSU +20
- 13) UT +14
- 12) KSU +14
- 11) TT +29
That’s right - OU can’t be trusted with the vanguard of the conference. The last time they won a national championship, Dubya hadn't been inaugurated. That’s why Texas and TCU are currently sitting in 1st place in the Big 12, like we all predicted.
Forearm shivers and Hook ‘Ems
Better Know a Roster
These are the ones to know, but an easy rule of thumb is to just hate any and all of these players. And any that came before or will (inexplicably) come after.
Jeff Badet (WR, RSr.) - On a surface-level, you wouldn’t expect to find a Bidet in Oklahoma. But dig a little deeper and think about what is actually happening in that process, you are basically giving yourself an enema, which is actually the fourth sentence on the acceptance letter from the University of Oklahoma.
Tanner Baum (CB, So.) - Who can forget that old Christmas favorite: Oh Tanner Baum oh Tanner Baum, Your branches green delight us!
K'Jakyre Daley (DE/LB, Fr.) - This is the “after” part of the Cialis commercials. You know the saying “A K’Jakyre Daily, play that thing like a ukulele” (please consult your Doctor if this lasts more than 4 hours).
Wesley Horky (LS, Sr.) - pretty sure I caught one of these in Pokemon Emerald. Evolves into Horkadon at level 13.
Ashton Julious (OL, RSr.) - Oklahoma law forbids him to use his God-given first name.
Ronnie LaRue (S, RJr.) - 20s Noir Villain. Also known as Foxy Finnigan aka Vinny Vinafonte aka Sharko LaShank.
Joe Castiglione, Jr. (FB, RSo.) - Look. The Pregamer isn’t about spreading rumors but have you ever seen OU Athletic Director Joe Castiglione and FB Joe Castiglione on the field at the same time? Suspicious.
Zacchaeus McKinney (DT, Fr.) - "Zacchaeus was a wee little man/ A wee little man was he/ He climbed up in a sycamore tree/ And then crash because he’s 6’4, 280”
Dwayne Orso-Bacchus (OL, RJr.) - Half bear, half party god. Now THAT’S how you hyphen a last name.
Kyle Pfau (K/P, RJr.) - last name is not actually a lazy word scramble, but the high German word for peacock. The Texas Pregamer - fun AND educational.
Charleston Rambo (WR, Fr.) - Ivy League in the front. Action movie in the back. It’s the mullet of names.
Trey Sermon (RB, Fr.) - You’ve heard of Two Chainz? Well make way for gospel hip-hop recording artist “Trey Sermons.”
Jordan Smallwood - (WR, RSr.) - Forget this week’s matchup, I want to see Smallwood in the slot against Kansas State LB Sam Sizelove. Just once Riley - do it for the real fans.
These are a few faces in particular to know and laugh at:
D.J. Ward (DE, RSr.) - 5 years at OU will age a man...to about 53, apparently.
Levi Draper (LB, Fr.) - This guy looks like he fronts a Creed cover band in Ardmore, Oklahoma.
Chas Nevel (WR, Jr.) - This guy looks like he carries an extra tiki torch in the back of his Nissan, you know, just in case.
Najee Bissoon - Looks like he has a snowcone for hair.
Creed Humphrey (OL, Fr.) - 18 years old. Born in 1999...Human Clay came out in [googles] 1999. OH MY GOD HIS PARENTS NAMED HIM AFTER SCOTT STAPP! Who would’ve thought, the state of Oklahoma would embrace post-grunge band Creed with such...arms wide open?
Mario Sinacola (OL, RSo.) - Looks like the human offspring of the grumpy cat and McKayla Maroney memes.
Bryan Mead (LB, RFr.), Jeffrey Mead (WR, Sr.) - I would assume they were brothers, but the hair is a dead giveaway.
Arthur McGinnis (DT, RSo.), Connor McGinnis (QB, RSo.) - Again, presumed Irish brothers (and avid Conor McGregor fans), but different headbands.
Around the World
- The fires in California are a real deal disaster, and Cal is monitoring the situation ahead of their game against Mike Leach and Wazzou. And that’s before a Mike Leach offense torches the grass in Berkeley...Mother Nature, please don’t deny us the Pirate having intellectual debates with Berklenstock Nation.
- Florida is playing one of those SEC-schedule filler schools, but doing so in an...uh...interesting, literal take on uniforms. GBH has the rejected outtakes. The good news Gator fans? Samwell Tarly has the cure.
- Recently retired visor-enthusiast Bob Stoops has taken an odd path to retirement. Instead of calling portions of college football games and riding for modest, but beautifully furnished casitas, Stoops has taken to a cross-country tour like some kind of folksy politician hitting up touchdown clubs and local radio programs. He thinks Texas’ all time #2 rival (after OU) should join the Big-12.
- Guys, it’s almost like Baylor didn’t just become trash people overnight? Here’s Josh Gordon talking about how Baylor coaches taught him how to pass drug tests! Football over morals? Not at the Lord’s Big 12 school!
- Utah football totally vapes, bro.
- We always said an OU education prepares you well for your future career, as long as that career features steel chairs, men in underwear, and Jim Ross. This guy cuts a great heel promo.
- This is so wonderfully, beautifully on the nose. President of the Oklahoma Oil & Gas might as well be named “Globe L. Warmington”
Kyle Carpenter: You can’t spell “I’d sooner shoot myself in the genitals than go to ‘school’ in Norman” without SOONER, baby. Two pick-sixes for DeShonn and 6 Fletcher’s corny dogs for every obese Okie on their way back to the trailer park. Texas by 7.
TejasChaos: The best new food at this year's State Fair is Deep Fried Sooner Tears. It comes in regular and extra salty. Texas by an elbow punch.