Commissioners Propose Additional Changes to College Football

The blogosphere is abuzz with the recent news that, as of 2014, big-time college football will implement a 4-team playoff. This new system brings NCAA football in line with other sports, both collegiate and professional, that sensibly crown the team who wins its final 3 or 4 games as champion.

Many predict that the addition of a playoff will finally end college football's 140-year run of financial failure and spectator apathy, and bring the kind of stunning success enjoyed by leagues like the XFL, USFL, and WNBA. Experts warn, however, that a playoff alone will not solve college football's problems. The commissioners of major conferences are therefore contemplating additional measures to bring Division I football into closer conformity with professional leagues.

These measures include the following:

• Implementing exciting "sudden death" overtime, which is tailor-made for a strategic, field-position-oriented game like football.
• Schools must choose a new fight song to be played over the stadium PA. Allowed options are "We Will Rock You," "Rock 'n Roll, Part II," and "Rock You Like a Hurricane."
• Jerry Jones named owner and general manager of Notre Dame.
• Halftime marching band shows to be replaced with lip-synched medley of Aerosmith's greatest hits, performed by Aerosmith and any 2 members of Black Eyed Peas.
• 7th-minute stretch.
• Broadcasts must include a graphic of a football-playing robot engaging in various calisthenics. Thanksgiving Day games must also include a graphic of a robotic turkey.
• Teams may choose from among a wide array of offensive systems, including and limited to the West Coast Offense and the Pro Set.
• Commissioners to meet annually to discuss relocating the University of Miami (FL) to Los Angeles.
• During TV timeouts, at least one gorilla must bound off of a trampoline to execute a perfect 360/double-back-flip extra point attempt.
• All games to be played in slow-motion, with teams wearing 1970s-era Green Bay Packers and Pittsburgh Steelers uniforms, and with Sam Spence's "Round Up" blaring on a continuous loop.
• NCAA officers at each stadium will ensure at least 70% of fans garbed in face paint, clown wig, and team jersey. (Due to its unblemished track record of compliance with this rule, Ohio State is exempt from inspection.)
• Domed roofs to prevent encroachment of game-day atmosphere into the stadium.