Commissioners Propose Additional Changes to College Football

Wherein we apply for permission to have a guy in a Bevo-head outfit do our perfect 360/double-back-flip extra point attempt? You know, for tradition’s sake.

Nicely done satire outlining so many of the reasons I don’t care about pro sports.

I’m pleased with the 4 team playoff, but that’s far enough. I’m tired of all the clamor for 8 and 16 teams. QUIT TRYING TO TURN COLLEGE FOOTBALL INTO THE NFL! If that’s what you like go watch the NFL, but I love college football because it’s NOT like the NFL.

Everyone has to have a gigantic screen that screams commercials during every break, including between plays. Oh, wait, never mind. How about just adding an app that tells everyone when to yell real loud, like we wouldn’t know otherwise.

Also, how about scantily clad girls (sorry, Aggy) to dance suggestively to the piped in music and a fancam that features a dance contest by some really fat ugly people in the stands.

And, last but not least, a timeout just before the end of the second and fourth quarters whereby clueless coaches and players can be “warned” that there’s only two minutes left in each of the periods.

and thus the likely death of the field I’ve spent 7 years in. Now this. Satire, or not, if CFB even approaches the idocracy-like nature of NFL, I’m out.

These made the brainstorming session but didn’t get out of the competition committee:

- Immediate and mandatory demolishing of any stadium older than 30 years old and/or not containing 25 suite minimum standard.
- Handshake agreement to bid out National Championship Game to newest built stadium, regardless of weather, accessibility, or general fun factors.
- Joe Buck paired with Kirk Herbstreit on Saturday night broadcasts. Herbstreit to undergo immediate emotion removal surgery.
- Craig James hired as AD of Texas A&M. James immediately demands recruitment of ten and a half wide receivers per recruiting class.
- Any team running a spread offense must immediately allow their QB to transfer, but only to programs where he will end up playing H-back. The offensive coordinator must also be fired and replaced by Charlie Weis.
- Kiss cams for all games, with special “Never Have I Ever” questions listed at the bottom of the screen.
- Washers, beer pong, flip cup, etc., are no longer allowed to be referred to in any form of media as they are now copyrighted by the NCAA.
- Players no longer allowed to “flip the ball” to the referee after touchdowns, as that is considered showing up the officials. In fact, it would be preferable if players no longer scored touchdowns, as kicking field goals in pursuit of 9-6 games is much more exciting.
- All cheerleaders now required to wear midriff-bearing, cleavage-enhancing tops. This stipulation is required of all NCAA cheerleaders, including, but not limited to, Aggie Yell Leaders.
- Teams seeking competitive advantages through illicit activities like recording practices or booster payments are allowed to escape relatively unscathed, but aggressive hitting will be curtailed to maximum punishment enforcement. Wait a minute….

You prefer the college system?

Thanks for this, Brick.

An arbitrary, inaccurate, and completely biased preseason poll, whereby only the top 8 teams have a realistic shot at the Superbowl before a single game is played.

Teams must choose a new song to be played over the stadium PA, including Zombie Nation and DaRude’s Sandstorm.

Dan Beebe, John Marinatto and other incompetent BCS hacks will be put in charge of NFL divisions, thus insuring constant instability and short sightedness.

Teams may choose from among a wide array of offensive systems, including and limited to the Spread Option.

Commissioners to meet annually to discuss realignment.

All games to be played with extra time stoppages to insure that no game takes fewer that 4 and 1/2 hours to complete.

TV announcers to make never ending comments about “speed,” “team speed,” “spppeeeeeeeeeddd” and of course “S-E-C. SPEEEED:)!!!!”