Handicapping the Heisman Race: The Big 12's Contenders

The guys over at Heismanpundit.com have been ranking the contenders by conference and the Big 12's list is designed to amuse, baffle, and/or troll depending on your alma mater.

Here's the good news, Texas fans -- four Longhorns are on the list! Unfortunately they're all considered Long Shots. As in, David Ash, Jonathan Gray, Malcolm Brown, or Joe Bergeron could theoretically win the Heisman. Just as I could bed Kate Upton, Huckleberry could someday be understood by an audience greater than three, and you could watch The Longhorn Network right now.

The inclusion of our three talented sophomores and one freshman on this list is amusing given Ash's performance to date and the fact that all three running backs will be sharing carries.

But this is why you take anything said by a pundit with a grain of salt and a tequila chaser.

Here are their primary contenders:

Geno Smith

- I'm pretty certain nobody named Geno has ever won a Heisman. That probably won't change anytime soon just because the guy went Arena League on Clemson's secondary. After all, Manny Diaz now fields an SEC! Defense! It's just in a lesser conference, but don't underestimate it's badassery. Part of the excitement about next season is playing two teams we haven't faced in a long time. It's also about our defense getting the chance to feast on a new crop of quarterbacks. The sacks and blindside hits will come often in many flavors and colors. They will be licensed in real time and sold as a product by Taco Bell at halftime. And you will happily buy the Okaforkinit Burrito and the Jeffcoatofarmsdealer Nachos.

Collin Klein

- If Eric Crouch can win a Heisman, I guess there's hope for anybody (unless his name is Geno). I love Klein's all around game but RG3 just set the bar pretty high and I don't think Collin has passed for as many yards in his career as RG3 threw for against Texas last year. Steve Edmond should have fun when the Horns meets the Wildcats. Klein less so. Of course the fate of that game is up to the dark wizard, Bill Snyder. Eventually the senile voices in his head will start calling plays and Texas will resume beating the shit out of schools from Kansas. Let's see if Klein holds up through another season. If he can, he might be sitting next to the guy that actually wins the Heisman but at least he got to see the real Manhattan for a night.

Landry Jones

- Can't you see Uncle Rico strolling through Times Square completely unrecognized? Awesome. It would be a fun story but we saw what happened to Jones' stats in a Broyles-less Sooner offense. It made me question his breeding more than I already did. Even Kenny Stills, Trey Metoyer and their collection of shitty haircuts can't replace that production, although Sooner fans swear Jaz Reynolds should be a Biletnikoff candidate. I think anybody named Jaz is probably a fag.

Casey Pachall

- Technically it's spelled Pachall but we're a big fan of phonetics and calling things like they is so it's Paw-haul from here on out. Either way, this ginger won't be hauling his paws to the Downtown Athletic Club. TCU is apparently a candidate to win the Big 12 this year. Gary Patterson is also mentioned as a candidate to replace Mack Brown. I mock both theories to anyone who will listen, even if it's just my 14 year-old deaf lab/beagle mutt. Sorry, Otis. It's not on the Napoleon-invading-Russia scale of missteps that is the Aggies joining the SEC West, but we'll call TCU's step up to a big boy conference something akin to the Zulus attacking the Brits at Rorke's Drift. Except in this equation the Zulus are sorority sluts and our tailgating fanbase will be ready for the surprise attack with forked sausage dildos and the kind of liquid courage that only 9.8% alcohol craft beers can deliver.

Joseph Randle

- Yeahhhh, no. Blake Gideon could rush for 1500 yards with Weeden and Blackmon making safeties think twice about run support. They're both gone. Randle is a good tailback and plays in a well-oiled system, but he might as well be splitting carries with Bergeron, Gray, and Brown as far as Heisman chances go. This is a another team I look forward to extracting last minute victory from, as the natural order commands. Texas should never fucking lose to a coach that wears braces. QED.

Tavon Austin

- This dude is still running wild through Clemson's secondary. Tavon is what we thought DeSean Hales might be after watching #3 break 8 tackles in a 10 square foot space before racing up the sidelines for a TD during the playoffs his senior year in High School. It turns out Tavon is basically a bigger DJ Monroe that can catch the ball, but torching Clemson doesn't make him a Heisman candidate. Sodomizing Clemson is an annual rite in the ACC for teams with even a partially functional offense. It just means that Holgo knows how to get Austin the ball in space and he's damn fast. He'll be fun to watch but Sir Carrington Byndom will be up to the task of shadowing this Applachian afolete. I at least know Byndom would win in a daggering competition, which is a component of the Heisman race next year.

Might we be in the company of the next Charles Woodson? /removes monacle, twists mustache, sips absynthe.

So this is what the punditocracy came up with. Like Chris Matthews, I'm unimpressed. Most likely because the skill position talent in the Big 12 is down across the board this year. Or it's just young. But this also means Texas has a shot to win some ugly 17-13 games and get back to double digit wins.

Do you think anybody in the Big 12 realistically has a shot at a Heisman Trophy?

I don't see any from this bar stool.