The Nutless Husband's Guide to Hosting a Super Bowl Party

You should begin drafting the divorce documents now so that they are almost complete when you actually need them in 3-5 years.

After your kids move from the cute stage to the annoying stage, there will no longer be a reason for you to remain with your wife

I am extremely lucky ( or extremely smart to set a precedent really early in my relationship) but my wife knows to never, ever mess with an important sporting event. We’ll watch the Super Bowl together because we rarely get free time together.

If Texas, the Cowboys or a US soccer game is on, she wouldn’t even think of making plans or expecting me to go to a wedding or somesuch. That’s just how it is.

And the aforementioned is not a result of some dominate quality I have over her. We’re 50/50 when it comes to everything. She just found out - at an early time - that these things are too important to me to turn it into some fight or issue.

You forgot yo mention that you will be required to put the kids to bed during the 3rd quarter because they want to stay up and watch the ridiculous half-time festivities.

The thing I like about brick horn is that he isn’t afraid to ride a joke from funny to dead horse to funny again. It gives his stuff symmetry. And. I hate metaphorical dead horses and enjoy seeing them beaten.

I’m George Costanza & I approve this message.

Now we know where Brick finds his inner sarcasm, self-loathing, and sharp as a katana wit.

Super Bowl commercials stopped being funny to me when I became about 18 years old. The fact that rapt attention must be paid during that time is one of the more heinously obnoxious things about the super bowl.
Between that and the perpetually awful halftime show they’ve turned the entire thing into an androgenous, pagan festival. I just like to watch football.

Agree with Nickel. There was a time when the commercials were pretty good/funny. I’m not sure if it was youthful exuberance or just the fact that there seems to be no creativity these days but the last few years have been horrible.

solid gold brick. good work.

Please consider this my RSVP: Not a fucking chance.

And I agree with The General. It’s a unique skill this one has, even if it’s only appreciated by a select few overeducated, self-loathing assholes.

After reading this article, I must ask, do you guys have an official Barking Carnival divorce draft pool? If not, might I suggest we start one?

There’s really no reason to stay silent any more during the commercials. Either they are all already online somewhere or they will be by Monday, so if you miss something, the internet will save you.

I didn’t know that my ex remarried!

If the party lags, get a basket and go around collecting car keys. Don’t say anything. When you have all the keys, then announce the REAL party. If everyone laughs and claps, SCORE! If dead silence is the reaction, try to pass it off as a joke. “Oh, c’mon, honey? Where’s your sense of humor?”
Either way, you get some fun.

If the party lags, get a basket and go around collecting car keys. Don’t say anything. When you have all the keys, then announce the REAL party. If everyone laughs and claps, SCORE! If dead silence is the reaction, try to pass it off as a joke. "Oh, c’mon, honey? Where’s your sense of humor?"
Either way, you get some fun.

Pay close attention, Carnival-goers. It’s that kind of helpful comment that earns you a coupon eventually redeemable for one (1) Barking Carnival tote bag.

I don’t think that the commercials are worse, it’s just that we’re so much more saturated with this type of thing with youtube.

I’ll be watching the game with friends from church. I’ll be sure to try the key party idea.

I can actually sympathize with this. Last year I was at a SB party with a bunch of people from church, and most of the girls were standing back in the kitchen talking about crap and drowning out the game. I finally told them to go into another room because they were being inconsiderate of those of us that want to watch the game. That went over reeeaaal well.

I also one time pissed off a girl friend of mine at a Longhorn watching party. She had no idea how serious I am about watching Texas games and kept trying to talk to me about boys during the game. Finally snapped at her and had to explain later that I go to football parties to watch the game, not gossip with the ladies. That’s what girl’s nights out are for.

Most of my friends now know not to bother me when a game is on that I want to watch. Watching football is serious business. :-)

“they’ve turned the entire thing into an androgenous, pagan festival.”

I have been long searching for the words to describe the halftime ceremonies - you have finally nailed it - Bravo!

Very funny. As I was reading, all I could think between smirks was “I’m glad my wife doesn’t really have any friends.” Thanks to that, she hasn’t caught on to the Peruvian fair trade product fad either.

I will watch the Super Bowl with disinterest with my two boys while the wife takes the daughter shopping or some such. While I may be an emasculated suburbanite, we still have our traditional roles clearly marked. Boys-sports. Girls-makeup, clothes, shopping. If a game or big sporting event is on, my wife knows it’s just best for her and the daughter to get out of the house. The boys in the house still take sports way too seriously. She doesn’t understand it at all, but has come to accept it.

Atta girl Sasha! Gotta keep the priorities in line.

When the wife and I were still dating long-distance, she had a knack for calling in the last 30 sec / bottom of the 9th - it was uncanny. She has become much more understanding while living with me. My one problem is that she likes to take a nap with her head on my lap while I’m watching football, so that does severely limit my excited jumping - also, it scares the dog.

Wandering, why does her napping with head in your lap scare the dog?

My jumping up and down scares the dog. Then wife gets pissed.

And not the good kind of pagan fertility festival where everyone wears hoods and melds the blade and chalice (wink wink). The bad kind with an awful medley of Madonna songs. The thing I hate most about the halftime is that it is 40 effing minutes long, yet the performers have to play a cut off medley of their “best” stuff instead of one or two whole freaking songs. Make the ridiculous time 42 minutes instead of 40 and let me hear the whole song.

Oh . . . and, GET OFF MY LAWN.

It is like getting the first half of four hand jobs, but never getting to the finish.

End rant.

You are the company you keep. Your wife’s friends reflect on your wife, who in turn reflects on you. You reflect on me. Therefore, we are all gay.

Or Peruvian.

Wandering, that makes sense.

At least you guys aren’t relegated to watching sporting events on your laptop, while your wives “catch-up” on watching Vampire Diaries on the actual television.

Redfoot - not usually that bad, though I would bet you I can give a better guess as to who will win this season of Project Runway than whether Case can hold off Brewer for the backup QB spot.

I used to watch that show back in the day during breaks from school because my lil sister loved it.

The only things I don’t really like to watch are 1) Vampire shows (I get scared easily) 2) Fat people shows (because I’ve put on some weight in law school and in the first year of opening my own shop) 3) All of the restaurant and hair salon takeover shows (they make me feel like my business will fail) 4) Crime Investigation shows (again, because I get scared easily).

I generally like watching all of the cartoons she enjoys watching like American Dad, Adventure-Time, The Regular Show, Futurama, as well as It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, The Office and other sit-coms.

I’m not sure if you can tell, but before shacking up with the rib, I watched literally nothing but sports on television, or through some manner of streaming, so it’s actually kind of nice being exposed to other programming.

This is why you don’t marry the hottest girl you can find. You find a girl that you find attractive who doesn’t annoy the shit out of you and have ridiculous friends. If the lady you are interested in surrounds herself with vapid, image obssessed Kardashian wannabes, then run the other way and marry the cute girl who tolerates sports and has cool friends.

BrickHorn, I’m sorry for your loss. Post was funny as hell, though, and made me appreciate my wife.

Also, I’m going to assume your situation isn’t quite as dire as you made it sound, and you embellished a tad for the sake of a high entertainment. At least, I hope that is the case for your sake.

Sasha, I understand completely. It is difficult, to say the least, to be a woman who enjoys sports. People simply don’t understand. If you take a game seriously and want to watch every play, beware! I say something to them, as well, and sometimes they get pretty irritated.

The most awkward moment for me was when a friend stopped by during the 2006 Rose Bowl and stayed. She wanted to talk about issues with her husband, and it was petty stuff. Sorry, but it just wasn’t the time. I told her that I simply couldn’t concentrate on or discuss anything during the Game of the Century. She wasn’t happy.

Hook ’em!

Fantastic writing, man.
 
My advice: slip out of the door sometime in the late 1st quarter after volunteering to get ice and more melon slices and then watch the game on your mobile phone hidden in your garage. When your wife comes looking for you, hide under your Astro van.

Redfoot - I’m with you on that one. Law school saw me put (back) on about 25lbs, and the first year out of long days behind a desk are not helping much. Thankfully, the dog needs to be walked twice a day and I don’t need to drive to the office.

Scip, heeding that advise is taking it to another level of desperation. What if she gets tired of waiting and decides to get the ice herself? by driving the Astro van?

You cling to the undercarriage silently and ride to H.E.B.

Been there done that. Not recommended.

You cling to the undercarriage silently and ride to H.E.B.

Robert De Niro approves this message.

Leave the Astro. Take the Tempo. imo.

I thought I was a fucking pussy before reading this . Now I feel like a Navy Seal.

just do what 90% of hubbies do when they sneak to the garage, bring your dugout, toilet paper roll and fabric softener….godspeed.

This is my ex wife. To a T.

Current wife is so much better. Just dump her and your life will improve by a million (if this isn’t very tongue in cheeck). She can’t possibly hang out with people that douchey and be much (any?) fun, and she shouldn’t subject you to this.

Unless the super bowl just isn’t your thing. It isn’t mine. I actually wouldn’t mind going to a super bowl watching party with a bunch of caual friends- I don’t care about the NFL a whole lot, or either of those teams in particular.

The day Vince Young makes the super bowl this would be out. And I wouldn’t even watch a longhorn regular season basketball game in such an environment, let along football or tourney. But, to each his own I suppose. Hope she’s super hot.

Every time I read something by Brick, whether a main post or a comment, I end up really feeling terrible about everything.

It’s like … a blind-drunk Eeyore with consumption brandishing a bloody machete.

I’ve gotten lucky: My ex wife was this way. My current girlfriend cared nothing for football when I met her, but she was a former New Orlean’s resident, and when the Saints got good, she started watching. Then she started caring about play calling and defenses and why Greg Williams sucks. Now the only conversation I get during games is questions over whether team X’s blitz package is wise given how team Y is using their slot receiver.

To be honest, she’s starting to exhaust the mine of my football knowledge.

Her impression of Case McCoy is pretty priceless, tho.

Sasha= Barbara Jane Bookman

Wandering:

<>

Are you me? Other than not having to drive to office that describes me to a T.

Wu Law/Bates: It’s funny, but seems to me that most ex-wives of chill dudes are almost exactly that way. The chillness never rubs off, and the relationship just degenerates into a pit of misery for both parties. The husband will never be happy to spend his fall Saturdays making post Pottery Barn shopping stops at a wine and cheese bar where the mediocre jazz spews annoyingly over the speakers like drivel from her friends’ mouths, and the wife will never pull whatever implement she has up her rear out long enough to realize that her heart has grown as cold and shriveled as the bank account her husband was once proud of when he was single.

The only option is the nuclear option in such cases, it seems.

I LOL’d until I pee pee’d a little.

Roach - You have caused me to experience a groin pull.

“I thought I was a fucking pussy before reading this . Now I feel like a Navy Seal.”

Sasha= Barbara Jane Bookman

That’s about right. If her dad is as rich as Big Ed…

And people call ME pessimistic…

Outstanding work.

Should you decide to rebel, I suggest the following course of action:

Pour your favorite liquor into a glass with a little ice, consume contents of glass and repeat frequently.

Begin to exclaim loudly at the game action.

When your wife or another partygoer sees fit to comment on your transgressions, grab the remote and flip the TV input to the DVD player, in which you should have Eddie Murphy’s Delirious cued up to the following scene:

My father standing in the middle of
the cook-out saying: “It’s my house !”
“You know that it is ? And if you
don’t like it, you get the fuck out!”
“I don’t give a fuck !”
“I don’t give a… I pay the motherfucker
bills in this motherfucker !”
“And, hey… Kiss my ass if you don’t like it !”
“Yes ! Yes, motherfucker, yes !”
‘cos you know what it is?
I’m drunk. So what? Beautiful ! I’m drunk.
I’m drunk ! So what? I’m drunk.
“You know what ?
I got drunk in my motherfucking kitchen,
I was drinking out of my glass
in my motherfucker house.”
“So, fuck it !”

Then flip back to the game like nothing happened.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lW0iMUyudeI

You’re welcome.

Redfoot: Your example, while vivid, is spot on.

Nuke it from orbit, it’s the only way to be sure.

redfoot - haha! I don’t think I’m you, are you drowning in debt? Gotta admit, it sounds like you have bigger stones…hanging out your own shingle. Impressive.

Not too much debt here, thank God for not going to a T14 (because my grades would have been terrible either way, so it’s better to take the lower debt to go with my sweet 2.2.)

It’s not all that impressive, because I get spoon fed a crap-load of work by a 401(k) TPA and a CPA that I know. I had been a pension actuary before law school, and so now I basically just get the Schedule B and other portions of the 5500 form filing completed, contribution amounts calculated, certify deductibility of pension contributions, and do the compliance audits and reports for defined benefit plans.

Basically I just need a computer, and high powered printer, and I guess a phone to get stuff done, so I don’t have much over head, couple that with lack of need to market, and repeat clients, and it basically didn’t take any cojones whatsoever.

I actually think that I don’t even need a law degree to do this, but it’s steady work, and I actually really enjoy it, so I figure I’ll keep at it. My buddy wants to start doing criminal cases together so I might look into that.

What field of law are you in, btw?

Good to hear you’re in good shape and getting steady work. Better than a lot of people I know.

I do construction and government contracts litigation. I’m in DC, so some sort of public contracting is a natural outgrowth of basically everything in this town, but that tends to be a big portion of my work. Haven’t had to do much marketing and client development myself yet, but they partners are pushing it.

Man, you truly are a wanderinghorn, almost all the way up to Yankee country.

Haha! You obviously don’t recognize my avatar. Google Pepe’s Pizza - that’s my local place.

Brick, you’re pretty much effed, so either I deal with you or your wife. I’ll give her $100 for your useless collection of musical instruments and miscellaneous gear (would give it to you, but I know where it will end up so I’m bypassing the middle"man"). I need to finance some of my musical needs and my friends will pony up with my new inventory. She and I will talk about your worthless and highly dangerous gun collection. Back away while your boss & I talk about this. She wouldn’t want that junk around the house with guests coming for her party.

That’s wild man. So you’re from Connecticut?

From Texas, grew up in Connecticut, studied in Germany, worked in London, and now live in DC. Thus, WanderingHorn.

Damn son. That is some serious wanderlust.
Are you a fellow non-Texas at Austin Alum, who just happens to love the Horns because they are your home state’s flagship school?

No, I am actually a Longhorn. Would be a fan anyway, though, as the whole fam went to UT.

It’s all about being sufficiently passive aggressive. Start with the inhalation of multiple Shiner Bocks a good 5 hours pregame, ensuring that at least a little air goes down with each gulp. Follow it up with either hot wings or any large amount of dry rub brisket (no BBQ sauce of course as this slows the digestion of the meat). Do a few jumping jacks to mix it all up. By the mid to late first quarter, the dark beer /meat induced flatulent usually will smoke out those who are not genetically predisposed to shut the fuckin fuck up during the Superbowl. If you have DVR, go ahead and pause during those commercials (right before the punchline) to go to the pisser, preferably cropdusting on the way out. Eventually, they will get that you don’t appreciate their presence or will not want to be swimming in methane gas you can actually taste. Once they are out of there, just pretend it never happened, rewind the game back to the beginning, and 4-skip/1-back your way through all the commercials like any self-respecting football fan.

Wandering, lived in the DC area for awhile. Liked it a lot but I my love for brisket and Mexican food made me run back to ATX as soon as my employer let me. I do have a better appreciation for the four seasons now though. Lived within a walk from the Vienna Metro Station.

Wow Brick, makes me want to set in the old F100 and listen to it on the radio.

Henry James has great Super Bowl parties

jkabulldog, that’s so classic.

If my friends and I wanted to dominate the law review office during finals period, we would always just gas everyone else out, generally by going to the Hare Krishna temple where they would give us as much all you can eat awesomeness for free because we were poor law students.

Is Joan Rivers doing a pre-game red carpet show? She kicks ass.

“Or that my gun collection remains uselessly unloaded, trigger-locked and secured in a safe instead of loaded with illegal Ukrainian-made anti-personnel rounds and stashed in various strategic locations throughout the house.”

Good news! Sounds like you only need one gun, one bullet.

you only need one gun, one bullet.

Depends on how shifty she is - some of them aren’t all that easy to hit - too much time consorting with cats imo.

Tex, I spit my Virgin Mary everywhere after reading that.
This is the thread that keeps on giving.

I fly out in the morning to begin a 4 night ski trip in Utah. It’s an annual guy trip 7 years running that just happened to start on Super Bowl Sunday this year. First we’ll stock up, roll into our 7 bedroom VRBO, and then kick it off with the game. At first, I thought “shit, I guess I’ll be missing some Super Bowl party.” Jesus. What was I thinking? It was an act of pure brilliance. I owe DJ a fine bottle.

Mona, we do have a Hill Country now, so the BBQ is serviceable - actually, the sausage there is good (I think the bring it in from Elkin) - but I do miss the Mexican food. That trip down to see the in-laws in Dallas once a year just isn’t enough.

Wandering horn, you might enjoy this blog, I’d you like to cook:
http://homesicktexan.blogspot.com/

I’d = If