Why did I read this? WHY?

If you are to be relentless, it means you never stop.

Fuck me, I should stop right here. It’s like Bill Little installed a snark deflector at the entrance of his mawkish lair, the Jack Handy equivalent of nailing a coyote carcass to the fence post. Abandon all snark, &c.

But I shall not waiver.

The sea, the wind, the summer heat - all are relentless.

If you see a beach in Austin, you are in San Diego. Head to The Casbah, and I’ll pick you up in a butterfly net.

Little could they have known …

Yes, they could have known Little, but they heard he was a flipping fruitcake and duck the other way when they hear him coming, whistling “I’ve Been a-Workin’ on the Railroad,” for some reason I’ve never fathomed. SAVE YOURSELVES! You’re 18 - 21 years old, and have so much split tail to live for!

With a little less than three weeks remaining before the start of the 2012 season, the theme of “RISE,” is now being put to the test.

How do I test a theme? Check its saliva? Melt it in a ceramic crucible and look for crud? Feed it psilocybin mushrooms and make it watch ZARDOZ?

ABORT | RETRY | FAIL

The “E” is emotion. The “S” represents sacrifice that translates to swagger. The “I” is for intensity.

Wait, wait, wait, you’re going backwards! This is not Hebrew, this is Texan, gul durnit, and I’m fixin’ to אֲגַדֵּ֑עַ the dad-blamed קַֽרְנ֥וֹת right the hell off רְשָׁעִ֣ים.

But it is the “R” - representing the word relentless - that will initially determine how it all plays out.

Wait, what? Really? ’Djya hear that, Longhorn Scott? Looks like you can take the season off. Use those internet skills of yours to find a mate or something. The rest of us will break down game film to keep track of the letter “R,” like Sesame Street, only less violent.

Webster tells us that the word “relent” means to slacken, to soften, to become more mild, and finally “to yield.”

No. No it does not. Webster‘s might tell you that, but Webster does not, because Noah Webster had to go and die in 1843. If Noah is still talking to you, I’ll see you at The Casbah.

But wait. Is that music I hear? It sounds like … Lawrence Welk after a three-day Enzyte jag. All horns and drums and humming. I CAN TELL SOMEHOW THAT THE HUMMERS ARE SMILING …

And in London, in the basketball game for the Olympic Gold Medal, the United States men had to keep coming. Near the end of the third quarter of a game that seemed always in doubt, the American men’s team, led by the greatest players in the game, had actually trailed a twice-beaten team …

[|^o]

… and at the end he was part of an all-star cast of super heroes who deflected personal credit in deference to the goal of the team.

WHA … ? Oh, wow. Whaddeye miss? This is why you get married, guys: so you’ll have someone to tell you how the movie ended after she peels your drunk ass off the couch.

Man, I had the strangest dream. I had joined the Rhodesian Green Berets and was sent on a secret mission to steal rat poison from Desmond Tutu.

SWEET WHISPERING DEATH, BILL’S STILL GOING!

In the theme of the Longhorn team, each letter carries significant weight.

Actually, the “S” is carrying two weights, “swagger” and “sacrifice,” just hanging there from the crooked thingy like a pendulous pair of javelina testicles.

Each plays on the other. When former Longhorn Dusty Renfro spoke to the seniors at a dinner prior to the start of practice, he suggested you could tie the first two letters together and make it read “relentless intensity.”

Shit, he must be a college boy! WTF, TIL you can connect words in an acronym. From now on, when we scratch the year’s theme into the flesh of our football golems, we will wear reminder bands on our own wrists that say “WSWDRE?”*

Think, for example, of the sea. The waves come, over and over again. Sometimes bigger and with awesome power. And sometimes less, but always, always, rolling in. The wind has its moments as well, but from the storm’s force or the gentle breeze, you always know it is there. And undeniably, that is always the case with the Texas heat.

… [blink, blink] What the shit did I just read? If that’s not the sound of Oklahoma University’s Advanced Institute for Jethrodynamics tackling carbon forcing, I think John Steinbeck is gonna sue somebody.

[NOTABLY ABSENT VERB OF BEING] Relentless on the football field means your opponent always knows you are there, and that you are a force to be reckoned with.

But what if it’s a trick play, Bill? What if it’s a trick play? Where do I put my relentless[ness]? And then I’m only left with “ISE,” like “The ISE of Texas,” or “ISE gonna pretend I don’t have the football on this play while ISE running by the guy who smells like old hot fuck, hoping he can’t detect my INTENSITY or my EMOTION or my swinging pig nuts.”

It will be in the grind of the days of August, when the calendar serves no purpose and time is measured only on where you are to be and when the true character of relentless [sic] will come.

OK, E-NOUGH. I’m gonna speak in Malayalam or Nazgul from now on, because I don’t want to be associated with this dude. THE TRUE CHARACTER OF RELENTLESS[NESS] IS RELENTLESSNESS, BILL. IT HAS NOWHERE TO HIDE, REMEMBER?!?!?

Enough. I’m going to go eat lead or something.

*What Syntax Would Dusty Renfro Employ?