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Bourne Three


Saw the latest in the Bourne trilogy at the Drafthouse last night.

Bourne is a cross between MacGyver and Jet Li with the face of a man with Down Syndrome. Take Damon's character in Saving Private Ryan, send him to an assassin school where he learns to call Brendan Fraser a Jew and strangles Ben Affleck to death with a gym sock and you have Jason Bourne.

After determining that he is not gay, the CIA puts him to work killing people and shit. He's really good until he screws up while trying to assassinate Dikembe Mutombo. Then they try to kill him as he tries to regain his memory over the course of the first two movies.

Although the CIA can take out the editor of the Sacramento Bee within 5 minutes of putting in the request, they can never kill Bourne because they keep sending assassins after him that were recruited from a United Colors of Benetton ad. They only manage to kill his marginally attractive love interest.

The majority of the movie was filmed by an epileptic with a hand held camera so you really don't know what is going on other than Bourne is probably breaking some dude's arm. I'm pretty sure at one point he drives a Mini Cooper off the Empire State Building and walks away from the crash laughing only after sewing his arm back on with dental floss.

And that's how most of the movie goes.

After wrecking shit on two continents, Bourne, like most stateless antisocials, ends up in New York where his CIA tormenter is stationed. Bourne breaks into the guy's office because while the CIA can bug any phone they want, they don't have ADT. Bourne empties his safe but not before teabagging the guy's keyboard.

Bourne finally makes it back to the assassin school where it all began for him. Here he meets the doctor who turned him into such a douche. The doctor informs him that it was pretty much his decision to become a douche in the first place. Before Bourne can say 'My bad' the CIA agents chasing him burst through the door (again).

Bourne escapes (again), makes it to the roof and then does a header into the water below from about 10 stories up. News reports indicate his body is never recovered, and we see him swimming away before the credits start rolling. The end.

So will they make another one? I don't know. Are there any more books?