2011 Texas Football Preview: The Longhorn State Of The Union

First.

Here’s hoping Gilbert can prove all the “real fans” wrong and be the QB we recruited him to be.

“and can speak authoritatively on the folly of Keynesian stimulus”

Not as impressive as it once was.

Great state of the Union. I’ve got us at 9-3 with a win a 6 game winning streak to end the year. Call it BYU, OU and OSU as losses but improvement along the way.

We absolutely have to send the ags out with a loss, the same way we ended up final SWC champs in 95 with the W at College Station, then take 20 years off from the series and re-evaluate sometime when my now infant daughter is on campus. Good news is, barring key injuries, I think this team gets a lot better throughout the course of the season, has a holiday bowl dismantling ala ASU and sets themselves up for a legit run at a National Championship in 2012, 13, 14 etc.

Full blown optimist!

Awesome! Great job Scip!

Wonderful write-up. Wonderful read. Can’t wait for Saturday! Now if only DirecTV and ESPN could play nice…..

There is neither happiness nor misery in the world; there is
only the comparison of one state with another, nothing more.
He who has felt the deepest grief is best able to experience
supreme happiness. We must have felt what it is to die,
Morrel, that we may appreciate the enjoyments of living.

“Live, then, and be happy, beloved children of my heart, and
never forget that until the day when God shall deign to
reveal the future to man, all human wisdom is summed up in
these two words, — `Wait and hope.’ Your friend,

“Edmond Dantes, Count of Monte Cristo.”

And btw I just realized that Pahlaniuk swiped Durden from Dumas. Jerk.

Erasmus Pfluger is my hero.

Thank you Scipio. Now once we get a preview from Clipper Cooper, the season can begin…

Great read, topped off by this line-

"He may be the most accomplished Pflugervillian since town founder Erasmus J Pfluger’s whittled likeness of President Chester A. Arthur took 3rd place at the Mothers of Pioneers Fight Back Against Syphilis Expo"

That is some funny stuff right there.

“NoI’m not saying he’s aggressive, but Sally Brown has lost three sliding glass doors and a full length hall mirror because Kenny thought his twin was challenging him. Point Vaccaro at a target, take off the genital cuffs, and pray that he doesn’t double back on you:

Manny Diaz: "Not master, Kenny. No. No. Do not attack master! Tranq gun! Tranq gun!""

Damn that was funny.

This is why blogs were invented.

Completely agree Scip,

I don’t know how much flak I took as last year was happening when I hoped we would have a losing record. That was the only way Mack would ever get rid of Greg Davis - after a sub .500 year. 7-5 may have gotten a change at a position coach, but I’m even doubtful of that.

“Chase McCoy is the Blake Gideon of the passing game”

Still chuckling over that one…

Enjoyable read.

Good stuff. My only objection: the Achos, as proud graduates of the St. Mark’s School of Texas, wouldn’t so casually dismiss the value of Keynesian economics.

great write-up! hilarious.

A season of just watching the talent develop into what could be some serious bad asses isn’t a bad way to spend 2011. I’m kinda excited about it.

I think I own the Albanian stock you’re talking about. Great piece!

Garrett Gilbert is still Garrett Gilbert. When, or if, or how, this changes then Texas will start their climb out of the Grand Canyon. Will GG be improved? Will the running game be the reason he improves?

QB is still the biggest baddest most import possition in all of football. If the Horns fall behind by 10, 14, 17 points can GG bring the Horns back. As of right now on 8-30-11 I say not likely. GG needs to be the player everyone expected out of high school, if not. looks like another long year.

So much goodness in each line. Great job Scip!

“… Conan’s lunch buffet …”

“Traumatized stadium remembers that they are Aggies and that this is what they signed up for in life.”

“…a steady trickle of whiz on the grave of Vince Lombardi.”

So, is there going to be a BC tailgate to kick off the Rice game?

Good stuff. My only objection: the Achos, as proud graduates of the St. Mark’s School of Texas, wouldn’t so casually dismiss the value of Keynesian economics.

Scip was calculating by using the term “stimulus” rather than “economics.” I will respectfully stop there.

As I stated long ago this is the year we find out at what point in their career an underclassmen and future first rounder passes up upperclassmen that will probably be drafted between the third and fourth rounds. I give it until UCLA.

“Not dis white mon.” That got me for some reason.

So, is there going to be a BC tailgate to kick off the Rice game?

No, but there’s going to be a Houston watch party at the Cheddar’s on 45N and near Cypresswood. See ya there!

Maybe it’s the heat, or the long wait for game week. Or maybe it’s just Rice. But the new schemes make game one feel like the last five minutes of a demolition derby. Just go out there and bash shit around. Or better yet, you young guys do it. We’ll stumble out, empty Jack pints clinking from our jocks, making lame FIRE ZONE and “flowers for Bergeron” cracks while our wives roll their eyes. We beat Rice? So what? The conversation changes once we have data points and BYU looming like a xenomorph on the edge of our motion sensor.

But after many years of suffering and many months of waiting, this Saturday is for drinking and drinkers only. There is no wonking in the FIRE ZONE.

OK, I’ll stop.

Air Israel, clear the runway …

No, this time, really, I’ll stop.

Good stuff. My only objection: the Achos, as proud graduates of the St. Mark’s School of Texas, wouldn’t so casually dismiss the value of Keynesian economics.

I doubt that he would, since today it’s called “macro-economics.” I got the impression he was riffing on the “doubting the fossil record” from a few days ago. People, they make a noise sometimes, it sounds like this: “________________.”

magnus,

re: cheddar’s watch party in spring — please email me at iscratcher.rocks at gmail dot com

99% of that was awesome. But you threw me out of the moment when you felt the need to explain the Taylor Bible - Chips bit.

I would submit that it would have been funnier if you didn’t explain it. And since you felt the need to explain it, you probably should have left it out due to lack of confidence in it.

Like I said, though…great stuff. Just know that while the Mack Browns of this site are praising you, the Harsins are charting your passes.

Great write-up that could have been better without all the Kirk Cameron bashing.

This is the first time I’ve taped my ankles while reading a football post alternatively laughing and feeling butterflies of excitement in my belly.

Very well done.

That is fantastic stuff right there. I really wish this had come out on Friday, as I now have four long days to attempt to channel the primal adrenaline rush this article has engendered - I need to either battle the savage cave bear or go 3 for 4 in my north Dallas kickball league.

Scattershooting responses:

- I nearly called in several co-workers to admire Bergeron’s thighs before envisioning the resultant conversation with HR.
- Very, very excited to hear that Dominique Jones looks to be all “2.0 and good to go” and shit. Maybe we’ve broken Brian Davis’ curse as well as Greg’s.
- If only Cyrus T. Lubbock and his progeny had shown the same vigilence against STD’s…
- Apparently I’m not destined to avoid trouble with HR, because I got an email from them five minutes after Googling “genital cuffs.”

Great insights and fantastic turns of phrase per normal. Now let’s play some football.

What kind of a hack job is this!?1! No mention of the Longhorn Network?? Obviously this football season is ALL about the LHN.

Oh yes. Right. God bless football season.

Love,
BC Tailgates, totebags, and mudholes

Greg McElroy won a national championship…I am not pinning all my hopes for this year’s team on GG or any of our other QBs. I am also not comparing this team in any specific way to that Bama squad. I am just saying that we can get to 9 or 10 wins without GG being the second coming of VY or Colt.

Awesomeness! Here’s to hoping SMU causes a mass suicide in Aggieland.

Oh, and is it really true that Bible asked to move to OL? And if so, should we be excited about that?

“flowers for Bergeron” killed me, definitely stealing that one.

Loved the Dierdorf reference . . . still remember watching a MNF game where he said “If [player x] hadn’t tackled him, he would have gone for more yards.” Thank you Captain Obvious.

“Though Muschamp left for greener swamps, Mack turned day-to-day operations of the team over to three guys under the age of 40 – a salsa instructor, an Idaho survivalist, and a masochistic ginger cult hero – who did things like create, think, and debate – and whose film sessions resembled the construction sequence in every episode of the A-Team; hired a S&C coach who doesn’t conduct work outs by post-it note; and brought in an OL coach who will recruit outside the geographic confines of his radio pre-sets. Throw in coaching studs at DL and WR and Texas is back in business.”

That’s gold, Jerry! Gold!

wow, i’ve got a chub. if scip starts referencing hayek or von mises and sprinkles in some credit default swaps, my man-crush will be complete.

A salsa instructor, an Idaho survivalist, and a masochistic ginger cult hero are Mack’s smirking revenge.

Excellent cherry to the SOTU’s. Is it Saturday yet?

Would have been Spitz in Munich, Owens was in Berlin.

Great write-up though. Always check your back that Vaccaro hasn’t zeroed in on you.

That picture validated nordberg’s name change.

Okay Scip, I’m stealing that opening scenario for my next script.
Thanks. Do check yer mailbox for yer WGA paperwork.

nobis60, don’t worry. I couldn’t help but notice the kids abundance of lower half muscle as well, and couldn’t help but get excited. No homo.

He must work out.

’Harsin will try his schemes against savage Pacific atoll cannibals, and our linemen will take on 26 year olds who have been married for nine years. ’

Mormons and Samoans, that’s what Utah does!

TRUE:
“and they’ll run in schemes that aren’t a steady trickle of whiz on the grave of Vince Lombardi.”
 
FUNNY:
Mason Walters should bloom like whatever plant that when it blooms can bench press 500 pounds

Great job.

I wonder if it is a good sign of an article if people are posting their proclamations of the next season immediately after reading it. You seemed to have riled up the natives. Good stuff.

Paging ACE - we need a pic of Audrey II wearing a #72 jersey and devouring Jamarkus Russell, stat.

“additional bye week” haha

The thought of B&B gashing a tired D in the 4th quarters of games is very comforting to me. I’m sure also comforting to the “beat the traffic” fans at games.

I can finally take credit for something here on recruitocosm other than derailing a perfectly good conversation! Copyright on the B&B picture! Thanks Scipo!

Let’s cinch our packs, quit worrying about the distance, and start walking.

Hook ‘em.

This

Good stuff…loved the Hoosiers reference…

and yes, Bergeron’s thighs are ridiculous…

Fellache Me -
 
It was e-mailed to me and I didn’t know its origin. Full credit to you and many, many sincere thanks for letting us see the backfield of the future. Are you cool with me using it?

Oh absolutely Scipo you can use it. I think momma Bergeron is the only one that can copyright those thighs! I was just batshit happy to see that I contributed a picture to the Longhorn SOTU article!! Thanks for everything you guys do!!

You’ve used the “Gideon is mediocre. The unwashed masses of the internet aren’t capable of recognizing mediocrity” line plenty last year. And he progressively got worse every game. Maybe the masses were right the whole time?

you have found range. my imagined hat is off.

Last year we would have gone 7 - 5 if our OC had only understood that when your run game and pass game both suck, there is still a tactical reason to call running plays. He didn’t, so we would go into the 4th quarter with the game close (except for KSU and OSU), our defense gassed, and their defense fresh.

I expect our run game to be at least average this year. If we game plan for our QB to throw 20 - 25 passes per game, we can Tressell our way to a decent season.

“It’s better to burn out than to fade away” is not a Def Leppard lyric. It is from Neil Young’s “Rust Never Sleeps.” The sentiment is still quite apropos.

It may not technically be part of the lyrics, but it is in the opening to Def Leppard’s Rock of Ages.

Cruise can also kiss Kidman if she’s standing in a hole.

IMO the under reported story from the off season is the cronyism and lack of open competition for the 1st Chair Sousaphone spot.

Great write up.

Blackmon.

Yardmon harrod. Bumbaclot yardmon harrod.

“Cruise can also kiss Kidman if she’s standing in a hole.”

Cruise can also kiss Kidman if she’s standing near a-holes.

Great write up Scip but isn’t time you gave Miranda a break? I think her character was so misunderstood. OMG cosmos!

Great read—-hysterical! We will be 9-4 with a Holiday or Alamo Bowl loss. We will lose to those meth-addled rabble from Oklahoma, plus two from Mizzou, aTm, and Okie Lite. Methinks aTm will lose to UT since the game is late in the year. Pray for 100 degree temps at kickoff on Sep 10!

“Because the internet cannot comprehend the concept of average (everything is either amazing or it sucks)”

me - scipio = man crush

Scipio, you got me pumped brother. A few months ago, I was thinking da Horns would go no less than 7-5. But now, I’m thinking no less than 8-4 and that may continue to go up as the season goes. So, the other day here in El Paso, shots were coming from across the border(Juarez, MX). They hit the court house building and one of the buildings at UTEP. How did we respond, we put an effen freight train between us and we went about our business. What does that have to do with football and da Horns. Absolutely nothing, just thought I’d share that. Anyhu, time for some football ladies and gents. Time to earn some respect again. And time for me to get on P90X.

I’m bursting with optimism

Oh, and about that pic of Brown and Bergeron, reminded me of Dumb and Dumber’s

“Harry: Ooh, look at the buns on that one…”
“Lloyd: Yeah, he must work out.”

Proof that Elvis was a Longhorn fan: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nyc3RaI2AV4

It has begun.

I just flashed on the Gilbert-led ’Horns taking on ’Bama in New Orleans January 9th.

Scip - saw you mention in a previous post (IIRC, the Leach fishing trip) that Spencer’s writing has gone to a new level. He’s not the only one. You’ve got this sh*t locked down, son. Another hilarious read.

Kidman is 5 ’ 10 . she looks taller because she is only 6 inches wide.

I have not seen anything in Oklahomas defense that says the will be any better than last year. i think they were ranked about 45th in the country. Their top runningback is a walk on, they couldnt run last year with a cowboy draft pick. i think they are beatable.

Nice going on this one, Scipio.

Scipio: good stuff. Time to dust off the ole Remington before the meds wear off & complete that N Y Times best seller you’re been threatening for the last 20 years.

JS: I’ve got some undervalued Ukraine lead mine stock I’ll swap you 1 for 1 for your Albanian shares.

All the rest of you cats: go ahead & throw a 4 day drunk & we’ll give ya a wake-up call before kickoff …
Hook’Em!

Mormons and Samoans, that’s what Utah does!

You say “and” as though there were a definite difference. There is no shortage of Mormon Samoans. LDS is big in Samoa and American Samoa. Only Utah and Idaho have greater Mormonian percentage of the population - I think the Samoas both run about a quarter overall.

Laughter is an elixir that has no substitute or generic brand. You sir, are the Pfizer of Pfunny.

“We’re standing at the bottom of the Grand Canyon. Hiking out will be tough, but the view at the top will be all the more rewarding for having suffered.”

Having hiked out of the Grand Canyon, I beg to differ. Once your get your worn out ass to the top, all you want to do is collapse. Fuck the view. If you want to appreciate the view from the top, look before you start down.

Not sure what the hell that has to do with football, but whatever.

Took another look at the pic of Brown and Bergeron. If you combined the two, you could get Earl Campbell’s thighs. If the two of them can equal one Earl, we’ll be golden.

That Kenny Vaccaro bit was damned funny. I cried laughing. Sally Brown lost 3 sliding glass doors and a hall mirror…priceless.

“David Ash should retire now as 12,000 career passing yards and a Heisman would only diminish his current legacy. "

Ah, painfully true.

Tape me up Coach, put me in! I’ve been a Longhorn fan since 1967, and I have never anticipated a season more than this one.

Those are some seriously good riffs, Scip. Despite the fact that we’re picking on the fat guy with asthma this week:

It’s all about settin’ a precedent. First day there. I walk in the mess. I’m wearin’ a puss - a fuckin’ scowl. I look around and I spot the biggest, blackest mutherfucker that I can find. Everybody’s lookin’ at me. I walk past him and I say, ‘What the fuck are you lookin’ at?’ He says, ‘What?’ I said, ‘you heard me, mutherfucker. what the fuck are you lookin’ at?’ Then I went bam, bang on his fuckin’ coconut. He goes down. I’m on top of him, everybody’s around us. He gets some shots in. Everybody goes fuckin’ crazy. Bam. Pow. From then on, nobody so much as looks at me cross-eyed.

Coincidentally, it says here that Harsin and Diaz are about to deliver a whack upside the head to the rest of Division I.

late to the party, not much to add; but Scip, this is one of your best, and that’s saying something. Hook ’em

total domination, scip.

Scipio, I last donned a helmet in 1961, but this preview has me ready to go if needed. OU does love them some ou, but it is common knowledge that they do suck.

Just flat brilliant. This the kind of prose only a UT prodigy can author.

Great job setting the table…..

As for Saturday, expect we won’t resemble North Texas State in this year’s Rice game. The 2011 version of the O-line will maul, maul and maul again, hopefully with a meaningful rotation across all the 2’s.

Doubt the Rice secondary will tell us much about the passing game and receivers, Gilbert should have all the open windows he needs with enough time for Taylor Bible to make it over and back from Conans. Darius White might just go nuts and have 6 touches for 175 yds, while Mike Davis goes 8 for 110, and Shipley 12 for 80.

Oak, Jeff and Wilson total up for 7 sacks.

Thank you LHN.

I appreciate that Acho has respect for senior citizens and also appears to have a better understanding of economic theory than most of congress.

“QB is still the biggest baddest most import possition in all of football. If the Horns fall behind by 10, 14, 17 points can GG bring the Horns back. As of right now on 8-30-11 I say not likely.”

Asking GG to come back when down is like asking him to lead the Horns back against Alabama… say, wait a second!

Just let the kid walk onto the field before you boo, “fan”.

I read Scipio’s excellent article as more pessimistic than many others on this blog. My impression has been over the years that any team that feels like they have a real chance to beat us usually will. If 9 teams can beat us, my guess is that about 7 of them probably will do so. Hence, I am anything but pumped.

Optimism and humour combined - difficult to work out which is which. Starting 12 underclassmen is young but not ridiculous.

A+M will get jobbed every week just like the corn last year. Now we both have an excuse.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/sports/colleges/texas-ad-says-aggies-had-chance-to-partner-with-texas-on-a-regional-network/2011/09/01/gIQAt1SvuJ_story.html

Hello there, I found your blog by means of Google even as searching for a similar subject, your site came up, it appears good. I have added to my favourites|added to bookmarks.