2012 NFL Draft: You've Got Ross

[Phone Rings]

Sir, call on line 1.

You've got Ross.

You've...uhh...got, well. Philbin.

Regis! How are you, old chap? Still making millionaires out of thin air, eh, Reege?

Uhh, no sir. Joe. This is Joe. Philbin.

Joe? Joe...

Your head coach, sir? Of the Dolphins?

[Silence]

Of Miami? The Miami Dolphins?

Joe! Yes! Terribly sorry. The ol' Rolodex is out of date, if you catch my drift. Thanks for ringing back. I'm letting you know who we're drafting tonight.

Sir? Aren't Jeff and I making that call?

Picture this. 112 career receptions. 1,600 receiving yards. 10 touchdowns. GOLD!

Yes, well, I suppose we could use a receiver after you traded Brandon Marshall without my knowledge...

WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT RECEIVERS HERE, SON! We're talking about our QUARTERBACK OF THE FUTURE. OF TOMORROWLAND.

But I thought you said receptions...

STAY WITH ME JIM. He only PLAYED receiver because he was behind Vince Young. Or Cam Newton. On the depth chart. Someone. I forget. SYNERGIES.

Do you mean...Jerrod Johnson, sir?

JOHNSON. Yes, John. Damn fine player. Great name, too. ALLITERATION. Puts all other JAR-ed's to shame.

Mr. Ross, Jer-ROD Johnson wasn't even drafted last year. Undrafted free agent, sir. I, well, I don't know if he's even signed on a team right now.

AVAILABLE QUARTERBACK?!? GRACE--get this Jansen kid's agent on line 2. GRACE!!

[Sniffs white out]

Sir, you missed my point. He couldn't even beat out--

Here's what now. 16 touchdowns. 9 interceptions. 3,000 yards. BOOM. I call him...Tinker.

That's, uhh. Who? What?

Blaine. Magic. WITCHCRAFT. TINKER. Those dirty northerners got him TENTH last year. TENTH.

Are you talking about...Jacksonville, Mr. Ross?

Jason. Listen. I'm telling you this one time. We don't dignify our enemies by saying their names before we bury them in their graves

Okay...

MONEY BALL statistics are at play here. Our boy doubles up their insipid homo sapien excuse of a quarterback.

I do like the kid's 29 touchdown passes last year.. But 15 interceptions...

And 3,700 yards! BOOM. Doubled. TIMES TWO. Eighth would be a steal. A STEAL. Real estate ECONOMICS.

But sir, he completed just 50% of his passes against Oklahoma. And 40% against Texas. He threw 6 total interceptions in those two games. Frankly, he looked awful.

WINNING. That's what the Twitterites were telling me last summer. Charlie Sheen direct twatted me. WINNING, Jake. It's all about WINNING.

But, did you even read the box score? They lost those games. And four other ones. I mean, Texas A&M was 6 and 6 last year after being a preseason top 10 team! They could barely beat Northwestern, sir. Northwestern. I wasn't even aware Northwestern played real football.

MEDIOCRE COACHING. That was his problem. Defeat. Inevitable. Reminded me of the Germans defending the Maginot line. Or Scipio Africanus in that movie about Gladiators and brother-sister relations.

Sir...we, uhh, hired their head coach. He's our offensive coordinator. Mike Sherman. Sir.

Sherminator...American Pie. CLASSIC. GRACE. GET ME MY NET FLICKS PASSWORD!

Here's the thing. We didn't even get to see him against live competition in the Senior Bowl. Or how he would perform in the NFL Combine setting. He had a broken foot all spring. Frankly, sir, I'm not sure how he'll hold up against quality NFL competition if he was consistently terrible against any semblance of average to good college defenses..

SENIOR BOWL? He didn't even play the quarterback until he was a JUNIOR. Class ranks. Get ‘em straight, Jimmy. MIND BULLETS.

Sir?

SHORTS WEATHER. Miami. SOUTH BEACH. He looked tantalizing in his workout. Dynamite areolas. We need the female fanbase! For the footballs!

We, uhh, don't play...the football...in shorts. Sir.

CANNON ARM. Smart cookie. Devastatingly handsome. JASON TAYLOR. MARKETING. WINNING. Jiminy fracktack Christmas, running a footballs team is easy.

Sir, if I could...

Reminds me of Joe Theismann. You know. Monday Night Football broadcaster. Witty. Insightful. GREAT HAIR. Best Joe I ever met.

The thing is, we have a pretty good quarterback. Matt Moore. He threw 16 touchdowns last year, passed for almost 2,500 yards, had an 87.1 quarterback rating. He was placed in a hard situation after the Henne injury, but he made the best of it. We think we can win with Matt, sir. We don't need to draft a quarterback that high. It's a two-year project...

Project? Like a...HOUSING project. My bread and butter. Ooh, James, you really know how to tickle my buttons, don't you? SOLD.

Does Ireland know about this?

It's DONE, Jack. ETCHED IN STONE. I've already told PETER KING. Peter BARISTA STARWOOD King. There's no going back now. Tannehill. Write it down. T-A-N-E-Y...umm...H...Y...DONE. No defeat, no SURRENDER!

Oh, dear God.

GRACE! JOHNSON. AGENCY. JASON BIGGS. MAXIMUS. THE NET FLICKS. NOW!!

[Dial tone.]