Games I'll watch this weekend

Tennessee at Florida

Remember when Phil Fulmer was thought to be a great head coach? He went 45-5 from '95-'98 and won a national championship. Rocky Top! He then proceeded to lose 30 games over the next 8 seasons and never won a conference title. His fall from the mountain top made Hank Williams Jr wince. Phil Fulmer is not a great head coach. Phil Fulmer is Joe Don Baker.

"Coach, wake up! Bama just hired Saban!"

Florida is led by Tim Tebow who is going to put up huge numbers in Urban Meyer's offense. Raised by missionaries, Tebow has now turned his attention to football with a missionary zeal. He lives and breathes it so much that during the offseason he carries around his offensive linemen and bangs chicks with tits the size of footballs.

Notre Dame at Michigan

I used to like Notre Dame when Lou Holtz was there, when they had guys like Tony Rice, Jerome Bettis and Chris Zorich. Guys who taped their wrists, pulled up their jerseys and went out there and played. Now you kids get off my lawn!

"Visors? Fuck that shit! Pabst Blue Ribbon!"

So why am I watching this game? Two bad teams both coming in having lost four straight. Lloyd Carr running on fumes at this point, and Charlie Weis is running...well, Weis has never run in his life. Look at him. Notre Dame's offense is averaging 6.5 points per game. Michigan's defense is giving up 36.5 points per game. The stoppable force meets the movable object. Something must give!

And thanks to overtime they can't both lose.

Arkansas at Alabama

Bill Clinton. Houston Nutt. Apparently the only one not enjoying consequence free fucking in the state of Arkansas is that woman with 17 kids.

Alabama boosters are some of the most demanding in the country, exherting a huge influence on the football program. Well, they finally hired the coach that will bring their program back. And you want to know the best part? Nick Saban's treatment of boosters runs the gamut from 'Fuck you' to 'Go fuck yourself.'

USC at Nebraska

Halftime of the 2005 USC-Arizona St game. QB Sam Keller has led the Sun Devils to a 21-3 over the number one ranked Trojans. Should've quit while you were ahead, Sam. He proceeds to throw 4 interceptions in the second half. Arizona St loses the game, the next year he loses the starting job and eventually he loses his mind and transfers to Nebraska.

"I thought I was dead too. Turns out I was just in Nebraska."

Pete Carroll is the best coach in college football. He and Urban Meyer have signed the college football equivalent of the Molotov-Ribbentrop pact, agreeing to divide up the most fertile recruiting areas and divide future national championships among their two schools. They'll eventually attack each other.