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The Air Raid is Coming. Will YOU Be Prepared, Texas Fan?

We all have our own way of preparing for a big game. I like to wake up to a michelada & migas while watching Lou Holtz spit at my television on College GameDay before heading down to DKR to set up the tailgate, Homeland Security always trailing a few cars behind. This is the natural order. You just don't fuck with these things.

Oregon QB Darron Thomas eats 15 grilled cheese sandwiches the night before a game. Could you imagine functioning within 48 hours after committing that kind of gastronomic felony, let alone running a 4.4 in a spread offense that requires 7.8 miles of sprinting over four hours (per Nike chip calculations)? I would be handcuffed to a toilet with a bidet option preferably nearby.

Ramonce Taylor used to chug three Dr. Peppers before a game and wondered why he cramped up in the 4th quarter. This is not surprising. Brian Orakpo chewed on crushed glass and washed it down with cyanide. (We need more Orakpos). Jason Glynn read scripture, but not the same verse as Curtis Martin (Psalm 91).

You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,
nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.
A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.
You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.

Some feel that listening to Metallica's The Four Horsemen has a more inspired effect.

Stephen Garcia drank a bottle of vodka before each game and chased it down with a six pack at halftime. You try completing a forward pass against SEC! DEFENSES! while completely shitfaced.

But not all pre-game reituals fall under the domains of poor nutrition and/or life decisions. Most of the bizarre rituals we hear about are superstitiony.

Texas fan in Frisco awakes precisely at 4:58 (4th & 5 from the 8), turns on cold water one quarter turn, hot water three quarter turn, waits a minute while inhaling winning steam, sings The Eyes of Texas at full volume, wakes up family, jumps into scalding hot shower as a fan sacrifice while dancing the Wabash Cannonball, applying burnt orange-dyed shaving cream, shaving in patterns only V or Y, before going back to bed and lying silent for an hour before awaking to an otherwise normal day of college football while never once acknowledging this ritual exists.

Yes, that's your Dad/Father/Brother/Son. We can help. There's an anonymous hotline.

Most superstitions are fairly straightforward. We all know Wade Boggs ate chicken before each game, Michael Jordan wore his UNC shorts under his Bulls uniform. Jason Terry wears the opposing team's socks to bed the night before each game. Brian Urlacher eats two (2) chocolate chip cookies. The Ecuadorian national soccer team traveled with a mystic to dispel evil forces in the stadium before every game. Baseball superstitions primarily fall under twitchy OCD bullshit than actual superstitions, like re-taping gloves, drawing your initials in the batter's box dirt, or sucking on a 3 lb hunk of tobacco every other inning. Turk Wendell is a walking, pitching superstition. Dude wears a necklace with teeth of all the animals he's killed.

Sometimes when things aren't going well for your team, a change is required. Not by the coaching staff in the plays they call, or in the coaches they hire, or how the players prepare for the game, but by YOU, The Fan.

And whatever you did last week, Texas fan, it didn't fucking work.

Whether it was slumpbusting a 300 lb Okie maid at the Across the Street Bar, taking a stab at your first sitcom: Colt & Jordan Ride the Dreamwagon, or consuming as much alcohol as possible knowing another OU beatdown likely awaits, you ALL failed.

The Air Raid is Coming. Weeden to Blackmon. Weeden to other big, fast, angry black men. There's only so much our young freshmen DBs can do.

The rest is up to you. Step up your game.

A good place to do that is the Barking Carnival tailgate located just north of the tennis center, east of trinity, under the big oak tree. We'll provide setups for whatever ritual you would like to practice, whether it be Stillwater virgin blood sacrifice (hep C vaccine on hand), watching Tipsy Gypsie self destruct (wait for it!) or petting LonghornScott's buzzcut (be gentle, his species is nearly extinct).