The Air Raid is Coming. Will YOU Be Prepared, Texas Fan?

This is maybe the weirdest tailgating ad I’ve ever read. Nice one Vash.

Last week was not my fault btw, woke up to March Grandioso and wore the correct leather undergarments. But I think we might have some prima donnas around here who don’t understand commitment.

To everyone else: If we lose to Okie Lite, YOU HAVE NO ONE TO BLAME BUT YOURSELVES.

I think we should play bump and run and blitz the hell out of OSU; instead of playing that passive cushion bull shit we used against OU. It can’t get any worse and at least we’ll be aggressive instead of just taking it up the ass.

On offense we should limit the slow developing plays and go right at them with Brown. Mix in some DJ and Fozzy on sweeps/screens with the occasional play action to Ship, ball control.

I’m happy Cody Johnson will not be with the team next year. He sucks in short yardage. Cody takes little steps with no power and can’t squeeze through a hole/gap. Gideon, what can I say that has not been said. Put in a young buck with speed and tackling ability, it can’t get any worse. We should experiment with Thompson, Evans, or Turner and use Scott on obvious running downs. Tray Allen sucks too I’m glad he will be gone next year. Last but not least shouldn’t someone else be doing kick-offs instead of Tucker? He can’t get it passed the 20.

Does anyone share my sentiments?

I’ve relied on a bottle of gin, a box of adult diapers, and that miniture donkey for so long, I feel lost.

I’m confident the ballgag will turn things around.

I think rolandv just missed wide right but we like his chutzpah. I want him on my team when down 27 on the 4th quarter.

bates,

I know people do weird shit during those long, cold winters up in Maine but man that’s a fucked up power combo of self loathing. You’re in the lead.

dagga,

The ol’ last minute combine two posts into one has served me well. It doesn’t always work out but the stars are clearly aligning this week.

The diapers and the ballgag go on the donkey, don’t they.

Time for some finger pointing. It’s my fault. I didn’t even realize it until now, but last Saturday I completely blew my gameday ritual. My wife broke her glasses the night before, so my time was spent helping her with tasks that involve seeing and getting her glasses fixed. That took so long I never finished carving my soap figurines of Stoops and Mack.

Sorry guys. It won’t happen again.

We all have our quirky superstitious traditions. Take mine, for example. In preparation for the OSU game, I have asked each of my children to pen a memorandum concisely explaining the reasons why I should choose the other as this Friday night’s Sacrifice to Baal. Because my 3-year old daughter can’t read or write, and further because her ability to eventually produce grandchildren is limited by the cruel gender-based asymmetry of reproductive capacity, she’s currently the underdog.

Why do you need a Hep C vaccine for a virgin sacrifice?

Nordberg-

You’re half right.

He intends to gag on the donkey’s balls, obvs.

Not sure since all the remodeling, but there used to be a “closet” in the space just above the pressbox, where a determined fan might wriggle in. I suggest a quick trip to Van Dyke to pick up an M24 modified for tranqs. Let’s see how Weeden and Blackmon perform with a dose of etorphine up the jacksey. Works for elephants, oughta work for Cowpokes. Pre-game warmups best time for application, imo.

Well, I usually wake up to my 10 cups of coffee already brewed at 4:58 so that it has cooled by the time I wake up, then I chug as much as I can straight from the caraffe in one breath. I stumble onto the shitter, tripping over the collie that I ritualistically sacrificed with my replica corp of cadets sabre before going to bed the night before. As I sit down and get ready to furiously unload the super spicy burnt orange habanero mole I consumed the previous night, I start to meditate on my focus word “Tonka truck!” Slowly pinch off a loaf in the form of Bob Stoops’ chinless profile (this was honed over years training). Now, this is where my blame for the blowout loss comes into play. When I was setting up my bedside coffee pot, I accidentally grabbed my wifes bag of decaf. Thus, no matter how much I beared down and focused on “Tonka truck!” I couldn’t produce shitface Bob.

I fully expect to be uninvited to the tailgate after this confession. I understand.

Why do you need a Hep C vaccine for a virgin sacrifice?

I’m glad you asked this question because the term Stillwater virgin is inherently misleading.

She just hasn’t had sex with anyone outside of the family yet.

OK I didnt actually laugh out loud until-

“She just hasn’t had sex with anyone outside of the family yet.”

rolandv:
We’ve seen Cody hit the hole hard earlier this year showing that he does have that in him which makes it twice as frustrating when he pussyfoots up to the pile and leans on it. ie: fourth and zip failure in Aimes.
Capt. America is setting the pace for effort. So glad that Malcolm is able to experience him before he leaves.
I agree with your D philosophy on this game. Get after Weeden almost no matter what.

Mudhole.

I knew someone would hammer that softball I lobbed up there.

My ritual usually begins with two women, a midget and a goat. However, this year the goat died the day before the game. I tried to substitute a donkey but the midget balked.

The women were all for it though.

Maybe next year.

18 Grilled HAM and cheeses is my record. Junior year. I have many witnesses.

William the Bastard (so-called because 1. he hadn’t yet Conquered, and 2. he really was illegitimate) lost his soothsayer on the way to invade England. The soothsayer’s boat missed the island nation, and he and his crew sailed out into the Atlantic and starved to death, apparently.

William was unfazed, “if you can’t predict your own death, what the fuck good are you as a soothsayer?”*

* not an exact translation from Norman French

I admit it was likely my fault—every single one my teams 13 yo AYL football games has conflicted with Texas’ schedule. Our game Saturday was scheduled for the same start time as OU. Unfortunately our game was snowed out (yes you read that correctly). So I watched the game live.

Fortunately, snow is not in the forecast for Saturday, so I think we’re good.

Sunday morning I awoke in my expensive, trendy Dallas hotel (FREE ICEWATER IN THE LOBBY!) to the sight of a black pock mark singed into the carpet in the cernter of the room and the smell of stale piss and smoke. Apparently, I pissed on and then set alight my heretofore reliable t-shirt (you can’t blame it for Colt being injured against Bama, really) strictly reserved for big games and bar mitzvahs, all the while crying and mumbling about the horrific outrage of Mack Brown’s salary and the questionable legitimacy of his children. Fortunately the reservation was in my wife’s name, so they have been phoning her about the damages.

Point is, my new shirt for Saturday has the soft cotton feel of win.

I wore underwear and tried my best not to kill anyone last Saturday. I’ll repeat neither of those mistakes this Saturday.

After over 50 years watching Texas football, and almost 50 years in the same seats at (now) DKR, I’ve learned what I do doesn’t amount to a whole lot beans. To quote General Patton, ""The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his." However, I did learn at school that whenever the chance comes to really inflict pain on an opponent’s fan, take it. Just wish I still had that CT’s boots, but I think the wife left them at Goodwill.

ACE,
Perhaps you can help us visualize this scene? We’re not used to you typing just yet.

Is it you or the UT mapster that spelled “Allison” incorrectly?

(I gotta admit, that didn’t keep me from failing to find the tailgate.)

Teh mapster.

Hey Vash, my own personal superstition for the week after the OU game is for someone to give me a free ticket for that week’s game. Needless to say, we’re 13-0 the week after OU since Mack’s been here. So really all we need is for someone to give me a free ticket and we’re in business. Thoughts?

Great article, Vash !

nordberg,

you can use one of HenryJames’ A&M season tickets. He’s rollicking around France.

Yes, he’s a french Aggie. Does it get any worse?

So is it worthwhile to come by after the contest, or is that dependent on what happened inside DKR?

I would plan on swinging by before the game.

I’ll come by and leave after five minutes of awkwardly standing around.

Sorry Vash but there’s no way I can buy into the fact that I failed for OU week and need to change my ritual. You see, my wife gave me un-reciprocated head that morning while I watched gameday. She followed that up with a fried egg with bacon on an english muffin with a bloody mary (we’re newly weds). I just can’t give that up. You understand don’t you? I’ll just wear a different t-shirt or something.

I would caution all of you in attendance not to scramble down the hill towards the creek for any reason (retreiving a football while playing catch with Trips Right’s kid). There’s some nasty poison ivy or some shit down there.

And whatever you do, DO NOT ask Tipsy Gypsy to show you his Tramp Stamp.

“Texas fan in Frisco awakes precisely at 4:58 (4th & 5 from the 8), turns on cold water one quarter turn, hot water three quarter turn, waits a minute while inhaling winning steam, sings The Eyes of Texas at full volume, wakes up family, jumps into scalding hot shower as a fan sacrifice while dancing the Wabash Cannonball, applying burnt orange-dyed shaving cream, shaving in patterns only V or Y, before going back to bed and lying silent for an hour before awaking to an otherwise normal day of college football while never once acknowledging this ritual exists.”

I see nothing wrong with this whatsoever.

The tailgate is set up. Come on down. MOST PERFECT WEATHER EVAR.